last night my head got noisy, and for some reason all my family were trying to talk to me at the same time. Everything starting echoing in my head. I started snapping at everyone and finally got them to stop talking to me.
I went to my room to lay down and get some peace and quiet but my head wouldn’t stop. I just wanted to die because I made everyone leave me alone and I felt so guilty I just wanted to kill myself.
I’m a little shaky this morning and worried I’ll get overwhelmed at my daughters ultrasound today. I need to find a way to keep it together. I want to be able to handle stress better. I went from fine to suicidal in 60 seconds, not cool.
And I took my last Ativan yesterday and the pharmacy says I don’t have any refills so they need to get a hold of my doctor before I can get some more. This happens every time I really need one.
I need some better perspectives to help me through this day. Is anyone out there?
Hang in there @tera.
Hopefully your prescription will come through soon.
In the meantime do things for yourself to calm down without the Ativan.
My thoughts are with you.
Oh I’m with my husband and my daughter and her boyfriend just got here. My meds are all locked up so I can’t od and that’s pretty much the only way I’ve ever tried killing myself. So I’m safe from physical harm, it’s just the noise gets unbearable and I get so miserable. And I start obsessing about suicide, I don’t know why.
Hang in there @tera, I think we’ve all been there. I get suicidal thoughts a lot when my voices are peeking. It sounds like a good way to make everything just stop. But it’s not. It makes everything around you stop and unless Heaven/Hell or some form of that (whatever you believe in) is real it means you stop to exist.
I have a bad time handling stress to, I often need to find myself a quiet place to sneak away to and try and regroup. Also, sometimes anti-psychotic medications and those that treat depression can cause suicidal thoughts. I’d talk to your doctor if this a reoccurring thing.
One thing I do when I’m in one of those moods is I refuse to take any action on my thoughts for 24-48 hours. Usually by then the suicidal thoughts will go away. Sometimes I find someway to release the emotions, I like writing and coloring a bit.
sohare1981, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. I know what you’re saying is correct. I find it hard to be reasonable when I’m like this. But you said it will pass and I know that’s true. I like the idea of not acting on my thoughts for a period of time, that’s smart. I did recently buy myself an adult coloring book and a new set of pretty colored pens, you just reminded me. So since keeping busy seemed to help… I see coloring in my near future. Thanks again I really appreciate you.
Hi @tera can you tell your pharmacist to fax a form to your doctor so he/she can give you a prescription ?
That is what I do so I never run out :o)
I got pretty suicidal this winter and cried myself to sleep. You need to distract yourself. Do something simple that you like, go out for a walk, listen to music. I am sure your family will understand you?
Hey @tera, this will sound strange, but have you tried placing an ice pack on the back of your head, near the base of your skull? That will cool down your limbic system, and reduce activity in that area. This will give your prefrontal cortex a handle to re-engage and think rationally.
Take some time out for yourself, and do lots of things you enjoy ! Get a nice bubble bath, listen to your favourite music or feel good songs, get your fav chocolate or snack and put on a really good film and snuggle in a duvet! Hope you feel better my love. Never feel guilty for wanting a bit of quiet time❤️
thank you specialK, the pharmacist has been faxing the pdoc since Friday to no avail. I just called and asked them to refax, I don’t know what the hold up is. You’re right about distracting myself. I’m keeping busy reading on this website and in a few minutes I’m leaving to go to my daughters ultrasound for my first blood grandchild. It has me pretty stressed. I think that’s what is behind all this negativity. Breathe tera, breathe. I’m just so worried and anxious, and I have to leave the house without Ativan which can be really, really hard for me.
Don’t let your family get you down with guilt. That’s just not fair when they can’t realize your pain and cut you some slack. Then they are just using you and for what? entertainment?
A lot of times when I am overwhelmed I begin to get suicidal thoughts as well. So I try to specify my feelings. Instead of saying “I hate this I want to die” I say “I am stressed and overwhelmed because of x. This is a temporary stressor that will pass.” Changing thought process helps me a lot.
I suggest bracing yourself. Go through an outline of what’s going to happen and know what you’ll do if you get overwhelmed. For example “I may get stressed out at my daughter’s ultrasound. This is nothing to be ashamed of as I cant control what triggers me. If I do become triggered I will take a break to step out of the room and do some deep breathing to calm down before I go back in.” Remind yourself the ultrasound is just an event that will be over and then you’ll feel good for having supported your daughter.
thank you anna, chordy and Spiderpig I really appreciate your feedback. And anna that’s great advice.
It’s over now, Her ultrasound has been rescheduled but her appointment went fine otherwise. I do feel a sense of relief and I’m having some soup now. Then maybe a nap and some coloring this evening.
Every day i get thoughts of suicide. I don’t take it seriously. I hear the thought and release it. There’s no way in hell i am gonna kill myself. Life is a blessing.