Rhubot
January 19, 2018, 12:21am
4
last night my head got noisy, and for some reason all my family were trying to talk to me at the same time. Everything starting echoing in my head. I started snapping at everyone and finally got them to stop talking to me.
I went to my room to lay down and get some peace and quiet but my head wouldn’t stop. I just wanted to die because I made everyone leave me alone and I felt so guilty I just wanted to kill myself.
I’m a little shaky this morning and worried I’ll get overwhelmed at my daughters ultrasound today. I need to find a way to keep it together. I want to be able to handle stress better. I went from fine to suicidal in 60 seconds, not cool.
And I took my last Ativan yesterday and…
I too suffer from mixed state episodes, I tend to make poor decisions. It’s a really dangerous time for me. Thankfully my moods are fairly stable at the moment. The pendulum is swinging from mild depression to mild hypomania throughout the day and very rarely agitation.
The worst mixed state episode I can remember having I was standing in my neighbors yard swinging a sword and threatening to kill his guest because she said the f word to my 10 year old daughter on the playground. I was ranting and raving about being a ninja or some shite like that. Poor judgement indeed.
For me I think I just hold on for the sake of my children but I don’t really want to be here. I don’t know why I just feel so done. I’m so exhausted. I’ve been done for quite awhile now, Ever since I tried to kill myself the first time, but still I hold on. This is no way to live. Do you ever feel that way? Maybe things will change once my grandchild is born. Maybe this new therapist can help me if I get to a place where I feel I can open up to him.
I am the ugliest person in the world. I can’t believe my husband hasn’t left me yet. I’m surprised people don’t vomit when they have to look at me. I get so upset about having the bad luck of being so ugly that I just want to kill myself. I’ve always known I’m ugly but it’s just sad because I would have made a good Barbie type.
It started yesterday, or maybe a little the day before. But it’s really bad today. I had to tell my husband so he can keep me safe but I just hate myself so much I just want to die. I’m a worthless piece of ■■■■. I don’t even know why my family puts up with me. And of course I think my son would be better off without me. I don’t know what to do to change my thinking, it keeps hitting me in waves. As soon as I think it’s gone it comes back and hits harder. I just want it to be over, I can’t stand this feeling or my own brain.
I can’t remember being sick when I’m well, either. Someone just liked a post I made two years ago when I was doing poorly, and I was shocked by what I had said.
1 Like