Is there anything we can do or say to convince you to go into the hospital now?
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I can’t go now. I already asked my mom if I could go today. She said no. I need to hold out until tomorrow. Besides my mom is out with her friend. I don’t want to ruin it. I can hold out. I just need to stay calm.
I don’t usually recommend reading the family forum, but I think you should. That forum is filled with scared family members who have been hurt by their loved ones when they lost control.
It’s tempting to think that won’t happen to you. It’s comforting to believe you can have control. But it happens all the time. People lose control and hurt their loved ones. And then they have to live with the guilt forever. Be honest at the ER. They can’t treat you if they don’t know what to treat.
Your mom sounds like she has a lot of paranoia also. She’s taking things to an unreasonable extreme. Yes, racism exists. But they won’t lock you away indefinitely. That’s not legal or practical. It’s very hard to get a bed. They only let people stay if they’re in severe need. If anything, they’ll release people before they’re ready to be released. Nobody stays locked up indefinitely anymore just for violent thoughts.
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It is really tempting and comforting to think this - to think we ultimately have control. But your mom wouldn’t say this about a broken leg, or cancer. She wouldn’t tell you that if you just fought hard enough, you wouldn’t be sick, wouldn’t have symptoms. It’s just easy to write off mental illness as something to do with willpower or character instead of recognizing it for what it really is. Anyone here can tell you it has nothing at all to do with willpower, and that “putting in the work” means getting proper treatment.
Your mom knows way more about being black than I do, too. She isn’t wrong to worry about you and your safety, but I think her worries here are misplaced. Ask her to think about having the police called to your house in an emergency, because you gave in to the voices. Ask her about being black in the criminal justice system rather than the hospital system. I’m not trying to scare you or threaten you. I just think that the hospital is far safer for you than any of your other alternatives.
When you go to the hospital, tell them you’re scared. Tell them you’re afraid to be left alone, afraid you may hurt yourself or someone else. Tell them that you hear voices and have thoughts that are confusing and frightening, and you want help getting them under control. Be clear that you don’t want to hurt anyone, and that’s why these voices and thoughts are so distressing. Ask for help. I understand that it may be too frightening to tell them all the specifics, both because of your mom and because it’s just a hard thing to do, but the main point you need to get across is that you are scared to be alone and you need help.
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If you’d like, we can help you come up with what to say. You can write it down to give to the doctor when you get to the hospital. Often that’s easier - you only need the courage to hand over the paper, rather than remembering everything you need to say and figuring out how to say it properly.
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I read some threads on the family forum, of loved ones worried about violence. I don’t think my mom is worried that I’ll do anything violent, but I am. She doesn’t know what it’s like to have someome that you can’t get away from tell you over and over to kill. It wears you down. I just texted my mom, telling her what you said about telling the truth and what I think. She won’t want to hear it but I sent the text anyway. I would like help writing a note yes please. If things go sour I want to have something to give the doctor. Thank you for taking the time to help me.
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I think the note should go like this:
PLEASE DO NOT TELL MY MOM I TOLD YOU ANY OF THIS! I’ve been having voices in my thoughts telling me to harm others and myself. This is stressing me out and making me want to kill myself. I am scared to be around my grandpa because he is the main object of these voices. I fear that I will give into the voices if I do not ask for help.
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Is there anyway you can go in now? Call 911 and they will help you. Please 
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That is fantastic. That gets across exactly what you need them to know. I can’t guarantee how the ER nurse will react, because mental health may not be an area of specialty for them. They may be alarmed at first, but even if they are, they will get you to someone who knows what to do. MH doctors and nurses have heard all of these things before and much worse, and they will know how to help you.
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No I can’t call 911. Secretly telling the doctor about my voices is one thing, but calling the police to my house? No I won’t do that.
If you have a plan as to how you want to commit suicide they are likely to take that very seriously. At least that is what happened with me when I was in a private psychiatric hospital. They took away all my privileges and confined me to the dorm. If you have a plan to commit suicide you probably need psychiatric help.
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Well I don’t know what to tell you then. The only way you are going to get better is by being honest with everyone. 
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Thank you @Rhubot. I’ll get to writing that note. I’m having a conversation with my mom now. She doesn’t seem angry but it’s over text so I could be very wrong about that.
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I do have a plan, I just haven’t told anyone what it is. I know I need help. I will try to get it.
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I have made the decision to be honest. Whether my mom is with or against me is to be determined.
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Honesty is your best bet to get the treatment you need. I really wish the best for you. The note is a very good idea. I sincerely hope you get the treatment you need and recover soon
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Your mom is always with you, even if she disagrees or worries. It’s clear that she loves you very much. It’s also clear that you don’t want to worry her and want her to be happy. Just get yourself the best care that you can. That’s the best way to take care of both of you.
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Okay so I talked to my mom. She said that you definitely can have indefinite commitment. She also said that the treatments for suicidal commands and homicidal commands are the same, but that saying I have homicidal commands could get me locked up forever. So I won’t be telling anyone about the homicidal commands. I hope this doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass.
What happened to being honest? If your having those thoughts you need to tell them.
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She is incorrect. You are only locked up forever if you actually do kill someone. Otherwise they just hold you until they find you have recovered. Keeping someone locked up their whole life is extremely expensive.
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