Hey, @Sardonic. I spent a lot of time thinking about your situation last night.
You have to be honest. I hope that if I told you I felt compelled to kill my partner, that I spent my evening looking for a weapon so I could do it, that I thought that I should keep the weapon by me so that next time I felt compelled, I wouldn’t have to look, that you would tell me that I needed to do whatever I could to get help immediately. I hope you would be terrified for me and for my partner. I hope you wouldn’t suggest I lie or wait it out, because my life and the life of my partner were too valuable to risk that way.
I’m going to be blunt with you here. We’ve had forum members in the past have voices and commands like the ones you’ve been having. Most of them do what they can to get the necessary help. But some don’t - one gave in to compulsions to torture his pet, and he hurt it so badly that animal control had to euthanize it. It’s comforting to think that you can just exercise self control, but unfortunately, that just isn’t true.
Having these thoughts and compulsions says nothing about your character. You have an illness. It is cruel and severe and devastating. However, what you choose to do to prevent tragedy during your moments of insight says everything about your character. You have the tools available to you to keep yourself, your grandfather, your family, your cat safe. You need to take advantage of the opportunity to get help and get help.
Your mother loves you and wants to protect you, but she doesn’t understand the full implications. She is trying to save you from one thing by pushing you towards something much worse, and just trusting the worst won’t happen. You can’t trust that. We’ve seen the worst happen here, and we are scared for you. Please help yourself.
Yes. I do want help. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Sometimes I lose sight of that and start thinking I do want to hurt people, but I really don’t. I was on a walk with my mom and voices were telling me to hit her, so I held my hands tightly and swung my arms, then I stopped. When I got home they were still telling me to hit her, so I did a massage thing that requires you to hit the person’s back. The voices say take the knife and stab her. I don’t want to do that. But then I feel anger and the voices and urges get worse. I’ve been really irritable lately. So I feel like I should be honest with the people in the ER. But my mom knows more about being black than I do, and I feel strongly that I should listen to her. My mom admitted that she doesn’t know what will happen. But I have to tell the truth and trust that it will be okay. How am I going to disobey my mom? How can I? She is trying to protect me. I am conflicted.
@Rhubot@Pikasaur@Moonbeam I personally think the truth is the best option. I have to tell the truth, don’t I? Can you help me? How can I disobey my mom?
I’ve noticed that I’m too worried about making my mom happy. I don’t want her to be angry with me so I go along with whatever she wants even when I don’t think it’s right. But maybe she’s right about this one. I can’t decide what to do. Thank you for trying to help me though. I know I can be difficult so it means a lot.
On the civilian side is there something called a ROI (release of information). Without it they cannot talk about you with whom ever. They have it on the VA side. Even my wife could not sit in on my appointments till she signed one.
The ER is a go now kind of thing. Not in a day or two. If you don’t tell them what’s the matter they can’t help you.
I have had voices, hallucinations and text messages in my head tell me to hurt myself but thankfully never to hurt someone else. That sounds dangerous. I have been a danger to myself but never to others.
You really need your meds adjusted to get these voices to stop. Hopefully there is room for adjustment or you can try a different med.
I think I should go now. The voices want me to go get the knife. But my mom says she’ll take me tomorrow. It’s scary because you feel the urge to do what the voices are saying, much like you do when they tell you to hurt yourself. My mom says it’s not the meds, that it’s happening because I wouldn’t put in the work. I do talk to the voices because it’s difficult to ignore them. At first I didn’t want them to go away. Now I see that they’re dangerous. That doesn’t stop them though. But yeah it’s pretty much my fault that I’m in this situation.
That’s maxed out on your AP. I take the same amount of Geodon. You really need to be hospitalized and have your meds adjusted. You will either have to add a second one or try a different one most likely.
Hopefully I can get some help tomorrow. The voices told me to take the scissors and cut my grandpa’s fingers off. I don’t even think that’s possible. I don’t know why this is happening.
