I do nothing all day (and no I don’t even surf the web or play video games. I said “nothing” and mean it completely). sit in my own head and obsess over nothing and everything. I’ve tried a lot of meds, I smoked meth ffs to just try and see if it would make me do Something, anything. Im in a very desperate state. I was taken out of school when I was ten, and only returned to get my grade 10 (which I got an average of 98% on, and finished a 5 credit course every 3-4 weeks, so despite popular belief, apparently I’m not stupid despite my dropping out…apparently). I have lost everyone in my life. They all cut me off and the only one left is my father who is a total prick and only lets me live with him because otherwise he thinks he will go to hell or some ■■■■. Please please someone help me. Have you gone through this? It’s been 3 years of doing nothing. I had 2 months (2 years ago) where I suddenly “woke up” and started a landscaping biz and took online courses for a bachelor’s in business. But now I’m totally empty, literally I battle not killing myself every single day. I want to, for myself and for others. It may be only the humane option left, i don’t know for sure yet.
Note, I’m sorry for my behavior on this site in the past too. Especially the post where it sounded like I was going to off myself…I’m very ashamed and will try to stay away from the forum, but I don’t know where else I can ask or find people who may have gone through something similar. I understand if you hate me, but if you can help despite that feeling, then maybe I won’t be such a piece of ■■■■ one day. I became the ‘bleh’ I am today because of abuse. And I failed to ever learn how to do what is normal to prevent being a target, in fact I’m so stubborn about it, I choose to be a freak, basically. I don’t know if being passable in public as not a freak is possible at this stage. I’m not even looking for that, I will probably always be a recluse so my evil won’t spread. I just want to prevent me from going completely off the deep end. I don’t want to go from being a parasite to being a monster.
I also stay in bed all day, I only get out of bed to eat, to go to bathroom and 2 times a week to play video games. Stay away from drugs, they make mental illness worse. My psy told me there is no meds yet for these symptoms. They’re called negative symptoms.
If you really want to try and risk having side effects, try Abilify, my psy said its the best for negative symptoms. He was right because I hanged out with friends, drove my car and took baths everyday while on it. But I developed psychological side effects like multiple addictions. I had to stop it. It could make your meth addiction worse.
btw What happened to your musical talents like rapping?
I don’t want to pretend or have others pretend I have musical talent. I’m such a goober. I honestly just had to delude myself that I was good at something.
My family, 6 months ago, made articles about me online, they mention there name, my behaviour, stupid things I’ve said to them. I have no choice but to change my name as currently there are four of them online that show up on page one of google when you search my first and last name.
Even my pdoc lies and toys with me. A doc put his hand over my face and said that it was part of my psychical exam, he was making sure my face worked ok. I just nodded my head and let him, but really it felt bad and I wanted to hurt him for it.
I don’t understand why I have lost everything, including who I was and even human respect. I know I’m bad, but why do they all want me to become worse? Why don’t they try to teach me to be like them?
First of all I want to tell you I’m sorry about your negative symptoms. They are a side effect of the AP meds and although the pdocs can’t do anything about them, we can do a lot about them. Namely, fight back against them.
Force ourselves to do things no matter how hard. I know this is easier said than done but, it can be done with the right attitude.
For instance, I forced myself to shower today. And in a few minutes, I’m going to force myself to do yoga.
I know I should try harder. Ive become quite the pessimist. I have such fear though of people. There is no such thing as a safe person in my life now. And that’s what I deserve probably, but I’d do anything for one last chance to be accepted and have the opportunity to behave properly. Maybe it isn’t always ‘never too late to change’. I ■■■■■■ up my whole life. This pain compounded by hopelessness and not a soul who cares about you…it’s unreasonable.
Are you poking fun, or honestly trying to just uplift me? My “art” is not art. It was grandiose thinking and immaturity, I know that now. Everyone knew this but me, I mean I knew it on some level, some of the time. But here I am replying, sticking around when it’s clear, again to everyone but me, that I’m their toy. Just a goober.
Two of my sisters called me a mentally slow psychopath to my face, they smiled so much when saying that to me because they knew I did understand that was what they were saying and that I would do nothing about it.
It must be very obvious that I’m something sick and horrid. I lie and manipulate a lot, I know people can see it. It’s probably beyond my control, but I swear I never wanted to really be this.
You could also try Wellbutrin, my psy said it also helps negative symptoms. Its an antidepressant but can sometimes work for negative symptoms. Only Abilify worked for me but for you it might work. You can ask your psy about it.
When I laid around and didn’t get out of bed, it was because I had severe clinical depression. Based on your outlook on yourself and life, to me you sound very depressed. Can you ask your pdoc for an antidepressant? It might help. I had to try a few before I found one that worked, which for me is Celexa. I’m doing much more now that my depression is treated. I hope the same can happen for you. It’s worth a shot anyway.