I really need your advice.

[manidk]

I know this is long, and I’m sorry, but I haven’t been this clear of mind in a year and I need to get this all out there. Thank you if you read it all for being patient and extra if you reply!!!

So I’ve been depressed since forever and I think as a coping mechanism I started imagining things but now its 100% off the rails.

I hear voices, see people, have specific voices/characters, I feel stuff like people touching my arm.

I’m paranoid that people are watching me all the time, and I have delusions about coincidences meaning something or telling the future or having powers.

So I’m desperate in my moment of clarity to get some advice.

I get anxious going to therapy and went for awhile for depression but didn’t go back after it wasn’t working.

I had tried zoloft but all it did was make me worse.

I have a really hard time talking about it/ admitting it/ asking for help with it, and I haven’t told anyone in my life. It feels like when I try to admit it my body turns to liquid concrete or like… oobleck. Sometimes its not even another voice it just feels like I’m half detached from myself…

Part of the reason I stopped therapy is for money, and I just…need to hear it from someone other than me who can actually judge what I’m talking about that I need to get some help.
I feel like a jerk for saying that, but I also feel like that any time I ask for help.

I don’t know what to do…my mind says stay home and deal with it, but my rational mind says go get help.

I just don’t know if we have the money.

(Also if this is a lot I’m sorry, and if it’s in the wrong area sorry about that too, I’m new here…)

[Hadeda]

Sorry to hear you in bad place @manidk I’m also depressed and in hospital as well. Welcome to the forum and hope you find support here

[Leaf]

Welcome. I’m glad you reached out. I know it can be hard to ask for help. I hear you when you say you don’t know if you have the money to get help but if you don’t get help you may have an even harder time earning a living. So in a way you’re making an investment.

Sometimes county mental health departments have sliding scale fee schedules where you pay based on your income. Something like that may make it easier for you to afford seeing a professional. Then if you need medicine there are some really affordable ones, and you can let your pdoc know you have a money issue so they can prescribe a cheaper one. Or sometimes the drug manufacturer will give you huge discounts to help you afford their drug.

That may sound overwhelming, and I’m sorry. But basically I’m saying there may be a way for you to get the help you need. Take a chance and reach out to your local mental health department. Good luck and I hope you feel better.

[manidk]

Thank you for your advice, I’ve seen you on a bunch of posts so thank you for helping others too.

It’s just tricky cause there’s 8 people in my house, and I had a job for a bit but had to quit so I don’t know what to do. Sorry if I’m talking to much I’m just trying to be honest i guess.

[Ninjastar]

Everything @Leaf said is so true. If you do have psychosis, it doesn’t get better on its own. You need medication, at the very least, and therapy is recommended, too. I’ve actually found that public mental health clinics are better than more expensive, private clinics, because they have more experience with psychotic disorders.

Getting a diagnosis is also the first step towards getting disability payments, if you don’t end up being able to return to work.

Can you qualify for Medicaid in your state? That could help you afford treatment.

[manidk]

I have insurance the issue is is its still too much to go to my provider on a regular basis…

I know it doesn’t sound like much but its $25 every time I go, and we don’t have a lot of income here…

3 of the 7 of us work, 2 get disability checks, but even then when i was going to therapy the bill would wrack up to $300 and it couldn’t get paid, so I just feel bad when we can’t get enough food asking for $100 a month to go talk to someone about something I’ve dealt with by myself for so long…even though I know I need it and I know I’m just being stubborn.

I’ll definitely look into the public clinics if that’s cheaper, because maybe I could find a way to do that on my own… it probably sounds ridiculous not being able to get $25 but I feel bad asking for a dime… I just don’t know if it’s affordable for me to even get to the point of diagnosis, let alone medication.

I’ll do some more research and try to wrack up the courage to talk about going to therapy/a diagnosis, thank you. I didn’t even know there were public clinics…

Sorry if this is too much.

[manidk]

I just feel stupid asking for help, and asking for help, and trying to do something without them knowing would make me feel better but

its my whole family

they’ll make a big deal about it and it’ll cause a fuss and I don’t want that.
I guess I’m just frustrated, but its like I want to get help but my whole brain is like nonononononono

i know I’m gonna fall back into it by the end of the night and I don’t know what to do.

I’m scared but I don’t want them to have no money and have to spend it on me when it could go to everyone else and worry…

[freefee]

Yeah, that sounds a lot like schizophrenia. Its hard to admit you need help, but if you do you will get it and you will feel so much better. At Atleast i always did. It may change your life for the better in so many ways.

[Zelda]

I’m sorry your going through this, it can be confusing. You seem like a kind person and I understand you not wanting to burden your family, but if you are really having these symptoms it’s not ok and I think you know that and why your here.
You’ve gotten some good advice. Please get help and be honest with them (it’s difficult I know), but to get you on the right meds they need to know all that’s going on.
Also you should have a couple of people you trust know what’s going on with you, I didn’t tell anyone at first until it all got too bad to function and that was the worst choice for me.