Ordinarily I can hang in there pretty good and I am not going to do anything rash anytime soon but I do think about suicide. I have lost everything. I am in my late 40’s and I live with my 75 yo superbitch of a father who was neglectful and abusive to me when I was growing up. I live in this poor ass, cheap, shitty little house. I drive this cheap ass 100 yo fking car. I am in Community College for the first time learning High School level Math for Christ’s sake. I had a beautiful home!! Nice furniture. a gorgeous car and now I have NOTHING. I spiraled to the absolute bottom and I have to live with my nega’holic father. He isn’t bad all the time. Sometimes he is OK but I have a LOT of bad memories of him barking and snarling and hissing at me. Not to mention the horrible, gross neglect. This isn’t Fking fair! On top of it all, I have this God damn delusion that taunts me everyday, all the time. Jesus H. Christ! I wish the brain study would end and I could go home (to my beautiful palace) or I wish these brain MotherFkers would just stop Fking with me! I have better days than this. This isn’t all the time. I am just bummed about my situation. after a life of abuse and losing literally everything, I have to start over from the bottom. It SUCKS ASS!!! I am so sad…
Why the stress?
If you understand you’re life in full, why does having “nothing” bother you?
If you have all these wonderful talents in hiding, then you most certainly do not have nothing.
Except when it comes to patience, then you definitely have none.
Sit back, enjoy the show.
I understand your pain. I hit rock bottom twice and climbed out of it each time. The third time I hit rock bottom I took an overdose of aspirin. It is not fun having your stomach pumped and drinking Charcoal. That was 20 years ago and I have never done it again. My Mom said something to me while I had nothing and she said, and maybe it will help you, " Just go on". I have always remembered that line. Just hang in there, life is not fair, and this illness is a bummer. Just keep trucking.
The problem is my talents stay hidden and blocked along with my ‘real’ life. In the meantime, I have to deal with this horseshyt. Like I said, I have better days where I am OK going to school and just doing my thing but, today, it is getting to me. Having ‘nothing’ does bother me, especially when I use to have a much more comfortable life. I know…take the high road and realize that ‘stuff’ and ‘comfort’ ain’t everything but I am still human and losing it all hurts. 100K year to being on SSDI and living with Dad hurts.
P.S. I certainly hope you weren’t mocking me talking about all my ‘talents in hiding’. I will assume you weren’t. I wasn’t kidding when I said I was depressed and thinking about suicide, so I would hope you wouldn’t mock me.
Thank you for the well wishes, understanding and kind words 
I am sure tomorrow will be a better day. This isn’t typical of me. rough day…
I’m sorry to hear you’re having a bad day. It’s ok to feel the way you’re feeling. Sometimes it’s ok to imagine a way to escape, and that’s what suicide is. But I do hope you can find things to live for. You’d be missed here for one if you did anything to yourself. I hope those feelings go away and leave you alone and in peace.
Most certainly not mocking you, was being serious when I said talents in hiding.
I know that one of life’s most tortuous moments are when you know something can be better than it is, but you aren’t able to touch it-yet. So close, yet still to far away…argh!
It’s very frustrating to say the least, and what led to a couple of my suicide attempts, so I would never take it lightly.
My thoughts were along the lines that you ‘think’ you had it all, but maybe before perfection comes, a little learning in the class of patience would be in order.
…and I have to admit patience isn’t something I have in abundance, and it’s something not easy for me to learn, but never say never.
Please stick around, because suicide only prevents the opportunity of your life from ever getting better.
Ya, I’d like to think I would never do it because it would be totally unfair to my kids but I can see how people fantasize about escaping. The reality is no one knows how hard it has been except you, the person who experienced it. I will bring it up to my therapist when I see him. I hope I feel better soo too. Thank you.
You know, I was making good money when I went psychotic and lost it all. If you have talents, they are still there and now you have to practice them. You will get better. You are in a tough position, tomorrow is a new day.
Today is slightly better. I am going to try and get into my homework a little bit. See if I can stay focused in the here and now.