Why do my parents do this?

Unusual Beliefs
1

I don’t want to sound like a little baby complain about “how hard my life is boo hoo”, but I really have no one to talk to about this and my relationship with my parents concerns me, and I can never have a convo w/ them for the way they treat me because I don’t know /how/. I don’t want to sound like a pissy teen.

To everyone else, it just looks like I’m being a temperamental teen. Part of that is true, but my mood swings have passed, and I don’t show emotion on the outside anymore unless it’s anger or crying.

It’s hard to explain what my parents do, because I can’t keep track of the things they say or do to me, but it just happened now and it goes like this:

Dad: “There’s a HUGE poop stain over here!” (I own two ferrets and for exercise they run around. They do poop sometimes in the wrong area. If anyone points it out before I find it, I’m yelled at/harshly scolded, and then kicked away from whatever I’m doing and to ‘keep a better eye on them’, which makes no sense to me, because if you own ferrets you’d know that nothing can stop them from pooping unless you’ve litter trained them. And my ferrets are a bit… well, I’m working on it. And ferrets are almost impossible to know where they are, and I cannot keep an eye on them for 4+ hours, I have things to do.)

Me: I panic because once my dad points it out I get a yelling from both of my parents. My fear and anxiety always turns up as anger

Me: (with some attitude) “It’s NOT poop, the cat threw up!” (which is true)

Dad: (some attitude) “Then who’s going to take care of it?”

Me: “It’s a hairball!”

Dad: (attitude) That didn’t answer my QUESTION. (he speaks like this way sometimes when I get on his nerves because we fight constantly, and it only makes me more scared so I scowl in defense mode because in the past he’d yell at me and verbally abuse me).

Me: I get up holding my tongue and play with my ferret in another room to remove myself from the situation

Most of the time it’s like this:

Mom: question

Me: “I don’t know I-”

Mom: repeats question and adds another question

Me: “I don’t know, probably-”

Mom: repeats question

Me: “I DON’T KNOW!” (or I ignore her, which makes her more upset and she persists)

This happens 3+ times every day, and it’s gotten to the point whenever I hear her voice rise my heart flutters and I have to block myself to prepare her to yell at me.

Other times:

Mom: storms in and yells at me for something I did or didn’t do

Me: “OKAY”

Mom: will continue to rant even though I know this and she knows this

This happens 2 times a day, which makes me hate coming home or being in the same room with her, but she’s the only parental figure I trust so I deal with it, even though sometimes she makes me so scared I feel sick/pain.

I just don’t know how to stop myself from getting angry. My dad abused me and sexually abused me in the past, but there hasn’t been a real incident in a few weeks/month. So I really have no excuse to yell and snap at him even when he’s asking me a question. Sometimes he’ll do something because he messes a lot of things up and I think mean thoughts in my head, and I act exasperated with him.

In the past he would kick my cat and threaten to harm or throw me out of the house because of my ferrets. I got some of it on video but it got deleted.

I already know I’m a bad person, I just don’t know why my parents make me so stressed and sick, and how to stop being angry at them.

1 Like
2

The way I see it, your feelings are justified.
If someone was that abusive towards me, I would get frustrated and annoyed as well.

You can’t stop yourself from getting angry at them, and you shouldn’t, but you can choose how you react to that anger, and how you show it.

You’re not a bad person, and don’t let them tell you otherwise.

3 Likes
3

Thank you. It’s so hard, because most of my life I was seen as a troubled kid or delinquent, because I would throw violent temper tantrums and rip up my room or throw things down the stairs. I would yell and fight with my parents. I don’t do this anymore, save that time they got rid of everything in my room w/ out telling me (I threw a chair down the stairs lmao. Also why is it I get so angry when people drastically mess up my room? Honestly it’s my only safe place and when people temper with it I feel violated and unsafe. I have no way of communicating that w/ my parents because they have “reasons” or something)

And dealing with this is so hard, because I’ve been seeing myself as a dangerous person, or angry for nothing, even when my parents don’t provoke me. I just… I get so scared, man. I know guys aren’t supposed to but I get really scared. It’s just a reflex for me to snap back if I see a threat. Like a growl or bite if you randomly hit a dog.

Thanks for believing me

4

And you really think they’re being abusive? I thought they were just looking out for me, or just trying to make sure I do things. Because I have an executive functioning problem, and I’m lazy and forget things often. But damn, I really wish my mom could just approach me nicely and tell me what I did wrong and have me do that instead of making me so sick from fear I physically shrivel and try to hide.

5

I don’t know enough about your situation, but badgering you and yelling at you until you do things, and threatening to hurt or disown you sounds a bit abuse to me.
I would get scared and provoked too. Functioning problem or not, there are ways to get someone to do things without making them feel like crap.

I read your other thread about PTSD, and I wanted to tell you that PTSD can come from sexual abuse too, which you mentioned here or in the other thread that you’d been subjected to.

I hope your situation sorts out eventually.

2 Likes
6

Thanks. I will try to explain my situation. Again, I really only explained my point of view, but I try my best include what my parents say without bias.

My parents really don’t do anything to provoke me some of the time, and I still get mad and angry because I misinterpret it as a threat. Like in the car, my mom looked at me and began to ask me something but her voice rose a bit so I freaked and snapped at her. She apologized and I felt bad. This happens a lot I noticed. I think they’re doing something and I panic and I get angry. Whenever someone looks at me I automatically get angry, because I assume they’re going to do something.

7

Are you having therapy, or is it possible for you to have it?
It sounds like your senses are on high alert all the time, and you might need some strategies on how to relax.

1 Like
8

No I don’t. And yeah, that makes sense. But if I relax, what if something happens and I’m attacked? Something might happen and it’ll hurt 10x worse

9

That’s true, but if something happens, it’ll happen whether you’re on alert or not. It must be tiring always being on full alert, and I can imagine it stresses the system quite a bit.

Some times things that hurt happen, and there’s nothing much we can do to prepare ourselves from it.

1 Like
10

Hmm… okay I will try it. Thank you for the support

11

Do you have a counselor or social worker at school that you can report the abuse to?

2 Likes
12

Possibly. But the thing is it’s not that serious, he doesn’t rape me. In the past he would grab/touch my butt or give me messages that went too far down but not quite there, or touched my thigh and just touching me in general (non sexually, things like hugs)

13

That needs to be reported. With your mom, if you’ve gotten angry and thrown temper tantrums like you say, she might be the way she is due to high anxiety about you doing it again. If I were you I’d continue to be calm and rational with her even when she’s not rational so that over time she learns that you’re not like that anymore which will then calm her down. It will take time.

2 Likes
14

To me it sounds like your mom is trying to be annoying. I suppose she wants to feel like you want her in your life. Which is hard for Mother’s at this stage because teens want/have to go out and do their own thing to be able to develop properly and learn to function in society without their parents.

Your father probably feels his relationship with you is meaningless (I’m sorry to say) so he tries to act as if he needs you for something when he really could have done it himself. He really does care, but it’s more loneliness than actual anger. The anger is just a symptom of him wanting love from you. Which again is hard because teens want/have to go do things on their own.

Can I ask if you are a guy or girl? (It’s nothing personal, I just want to how to handle the person I am talking to. If that’s a question you aren’t comfortable answering, it’s okay if you don’t.)

1 Like
15

I did not read this before. I don’t know how I missed this but this definitely needs to be reported. Or hold it over his head so he doesn’t do it anymore.

1 Like
16

Okay, I have to say again. You need to report the abuse to someone. It doesn’t matter if you don’t think it was that bad. The truth is, it really is very bad. There is something called grooming. That is when abusers start slowly pushing a kid’s boundaries, very slowly. They do things that are inappropriate, but not so bad that e kid immediately knows something is wrong. Then, the kid thinks they have no reason to report the abuse, because it doesn’t fit what they think abuse looks like. Slowly, the abuser will push further and further, and backtrack when the kid shows too much resistance. The goal is to completely destroy the kid’s resistance, so they will never fight back. This is what is happening to you. It is not okay.

You are displaying classic signs of PTSD, and you need professional treatment for it. All the flashes of anger, and immediately becoming suspicious of your parents’ motives, that is all PTSD stuff. PTSD isn’t always having flashbacks and shaking uncontrollably. Especially in guys, it can present as uncontrollable rage, based on fear. There are different therapies that can teach you how to overcome these issues. You need to be put in an environment where you’ll be safe. You need to report the abuse to a teacher or guidance counselor. There are people in the world who can help you. You should not have to continue living with your abuser.

1 Like
17

I am a guy, but to be specific I am FTM transgender. I take testosterone, and I’m pretty far into my transition so I think it’s safe to say I’m a guy, just minus some obvious things. And yeah… my mom is very annoying. But I don’t shy away from her unless she’s touching me. I’m with her all of the time. She’s the only adult aside from teachers who I let boss me around. If she asks, I do it. I spend lots of time with her and I don’t usually shove her away when she wants to show me love. I talk to her often and I try to make her laugh. But you’re right, she’s probably dealing with the fact that I’m almost an adult now, just one year left, and I still can’t take of myself. I don’t know… it’s very frustrating. I want to be able to do things on my own, and I get upset if she coddles me too much, but the thing is I /can’t/. Idk

1 Like
18

Okay I will talk to my counselor right now. It’s hard for me to deal with what my dad is doing/what you’re describing. Because I’ve never met someone other than my parents that love me so much as they do. He really does care for me. Why would he do this? I don’t understand. He was abused as a kid but I don’t think it was sexual.

@LilyoftheValley that is interesting. I’ve never thought of it that way. I don’t yell at my parents when angry, or do anything violent (anymore for the past few years), I just scowl and don’t answer them. I don’t understand, if she’s anxious about me getting angry, why does she prod me like this? She prods me until I get angry.

1 Like
19

Good luck. I’m glad you’re reaching out for help.

2 Likes
20

Also, I just want to reassure you. Being sexually abused as a child does not make someone more likely to become abusive as an adult. The overwhelming majority of sexual abusers have never been abused themselves. It is a common myth. I used to believe it, and I was afraid I would become abusive, but it is just not true.

1 Like