I’ve always had a very conflicted relationship with my dad. As I’ve mentioned before, he has a lot of issues…and is oblivious to other people’s feelings on top of those issues.
Tonight he took my brothers to some place to get haircuts and one of my brothers was upset because his didn’t turn out the way he wanted. We drove in separate cars to a restaurant after for dinner, and apparently in the boy’s car my dad screamed at my brother for being upset with his haircut, and then threw my other brother’s drink out the window because he was crunching ice. Then when they got to the restaurant he acted normal like nothing happened and was trying to joke around with everyone.
Then when we got to the restaurant he wouldn’t let us order certain foods (nothing to do with health-for example we were allowed to order ribs, but not burgers) and then constantly quizzed us on pop culture trivia from decades ago while making fun of my brother’s haircut that he didn’t like.
Then we get home afterwards and he’s chasing the dog all over, making her bark really loud, which EVERYONE in the family hates but he always does it anyways because again he’s oblivious to other people’s feelings and just laughs at you when you tell him to stop or that it’s annoying, or if you go too far he goes into one of his rage fits. (Like one time I was doing work in the office in hs and he kept running in and out with the dog barking, and I asked him to stop because I was doing homework. He didn’t and I locked the door. He got absolutely furious and wouldn’t stop screaming at me. Ok.)
I realize he could be a lot worse, and my mom always tells me his dad was a lot worse, but holy crap is it frustrating to live with this man.
My father used to blow up with rage in certain situations, it was a long slow build and we’d see the warning signs and get out of his way. It used to scare us all to death for fear that he’d get violent and haul off and hit someone.
He eventually stopped doing it, but I think all my siblings have issues with expressing anger, because we’ve seen how destructive and toxic it can be.
We were always terrified he’d become violent as well…I would get nightmares about it all the time as a kid. He never did though. Once he yanked me by the hair when I was little because he was standing in front of the TV on purpose to tease us when we were watching a movie and I was trying to jump around him to see it and I accidentally bumped his chin. He also does some pretty aggressive chest jabbing when he’s mad but that’s it.
He doesn’t do it as much anymore…but still. I rarely ever express anger either. I’m known for being someone who’s impossible to get mad. (When really I can get angry very quickly and easily, I’m just pretty darn good at holding it all in)
When I grew up I loathed my father, but after I became an adult I saw that he had a good side. He would have been an exemplary father except for one failing. Now I’m reviewing my relationship with my mother, and I am seeing faults in her. I didn’t used to think that.
That’s the same thing that’s happened with me. I hated him deeply as a child to the point where I would fantasize about killing him. I learned to see him as a person and his good qualities over time, but to me that does not excuse his negative qualities like my mom seems to think they do. My younger siblings still hate him, except the youngest. (They’re more just afraid)
I no longer hate him. Sometimes I even like him and feel bad for him. Other times he acts like a total jerk and I wish our family wasn’t dependent on his income so we could ditch him. I feel awful saying that now, but it’s how I feel when things get bad again.
And while we’re talking about parents I was mildly irritated with my mom today as well. She made a huge deal over what my 6 year old sister was wearing. First she wouldn’t let her wear her new Easter dress out (which ok I understood that) and then my sister comes back down with a new outfit and my mom actually yelled at her about how it didn’t match and didn’t look good until she started crying. Then my mom brought her an outfit she thought looked good (I thought my sister’s other outfit was fine).
In the car I remember telling my sister I thought she looked beautiful no matter what she wore and that mom was a stinky poophead.
My mom’s always been kind of obsessive over appearance. But again it loops back to her parents because her mom was obsessive over appearance. (Once when my mom got a haircut in college she thought looked cool and modern her mom told her it made her ugly and that she was ugly now)
Parents really do affect us a lot. I’m going to do my best to keep my parents positive qualities and ditch the rest.
When I was younger, my Mom was the dragon slayer / problem solver. She could really scare us.
My Dad was at work. When he got home he was very tired and passive.
I’m sorry to say I saw my Dad as a very weak man with no real ability to speak up for things.
But now that I’m older…and I’ve gotten to know my Dad better… I see that my Dad is a very quiet man who balances out my Mom a lot and has a lot of strength in a calm sort of way.
Mom is the mover and shaker and get a plan of action rolling.
Dad is a very quiet observant man who can lay out a plan of action.
i find your posts about your mother being a ’ dragon slayer ’ offensive…
i belong to ’ the protection of dragons secret society '…we have a secret handshake…!!!
dragons are highly endangered.
take care
we don’t choose our parents…
but we have to accept the obvious flaws in their personality’s…
but not forgive or forget the pain or the lessons though.
know some one cares.
take care
I got to watch my father and brothers play cribbage every night after dinner, and thought when they had all moved away on their own, it would be my turn.
Found out it was only a game for boys.
So I hung around the TV when he sat on the floor in front of it, and did the "word find " puzzles in the daily newspaper.
I would pretend to watch TV, but really was scanning the puzzle to find the word on the list before he did.
He was pretty fast, so when he finally paused, I said I found it, but he didn’t believe me even after I showed him where it was hiding.
I found the next one too,
and the next…and the next.
He wasn’t going to accept being beat by a girl,
so we kept playing everynight, for a couple of years.
My dad became ill about a year and a half ago, and It was good to be there to take care of him before he died.
I miss him a lot.
It’s only quiet when my father and I do not speak to one another…You get 2-3 sentences MAX to convey anything. It’s almost always a NEGATIVE RESPONSE on any questions/requests.
My father has stopped being belligerent with us since I moved into their home 1 year ago due to a couple failed moves out of town. I think my family told him it would get the cops on us worse. Cops live next door. Cops here know me and made many threats over the years they refused to help me terminate an abuse relationship with former friend’s sex abuse family problems…I rarely even bother raising my voice. I’m allowed to come/go, handle my affairs okay, work, socialize. Nothing else you could want for free.
My father used to be so belligerent working in a stressful job, my sibling and I spent most evenings with a grandparent so we could not have to deal with him. We got home in time to go to bed. Father refused to help with homework, grandparent didn’t mind.
Dad was raised with a much worse situation & very severe beatings from his drunk father. He went to work in janitor job as a teen so they could throw out his dad finally. He went to school too badly beat up once after his dad beat him and a teacher got him a job cleaning the high school…Sadly, he was drafted into military as soon as he finished high school and grandma was back dealing with her ex-husband sometimes…
My mother was an absolutely freak out while we were teens and kids. She would absolutely make us miserable for trying to socialize then ask us why we were not going out and dating!!! Facebook just brings back the negative memories as I have lots of ‘will talk to me’ but I’m not invited to do much because of the problems from my family situation while I was in high school. I have some closer friends but really, many ran off from this city as soon as they got the opportunity and most of the rest are raising a family.
As far as miserable childhood, I just kept telling myself I would age out of it when I was 18 & I could leave it. I did and stayed gone for 20 years…I could always provide better for myself (clothing, food, leisure, hobbies) & neutral homelife too without all the negativity… I’m staying with the parents for a while and will find another living arrangement when good friend gets out of jail…(((Lots of the older men in my city are turning into predators who try to ruin women to get a relationship, even the poor ones are hard to ditch as the restraining order system here is a joke & only way to get away is to move without explanation…Females here are keeping track of the good guys and running to them quickly when females are single again because they don’t want the predatorial males to try to latch on…)))After meeting some of these predatorial males, I know nothing is wrong with my family. Every family unit has some annoying qualities, we are used to dealing with it by the time we’re adults or we distance ourselves.
I went over to the library to work many times. He would not even keep it quiet when I had to sleep during the day for second shift work during college. I slept in the student union sometimes.
