Ok, now I realize, that I am a very severe sz as my current doc said it… He says, that my sz is particularly painful…
But the pain lasts since two decades, pals…
We’ve tried all possible meds for ten years. They only helped me to be on my feet, to be able to sleep and eat but I often still am in hellish pain…
I socialize so badly, that everybody leaves me in fact 
There was the fact, that I was given up to fight for 15 years… this made my state even worse I guess. But it wasnt my fault either, I had a terrible past.
My decision to fight now is since an year. But I still suffer so much from my false beliefs, the rejection from the others or just their despair about me, that it’s still a hell.
Should I continue my efforts on activating myself in every possible way in order to fix my thinking and my emotional life? 
Who else still endures a lot of pain but it starts to get better for you because of some efforts?
Tbh, i turned into an animal with this pain… I find that few could have endured it 
should I continue my efforts, is there hope that they’ll pay for real one day?
I hate that I became this soldier… this soldier who let in herself so many pain for so long…
I just need to know, that my efforts will end up by paying one day?
I tried all meds, my doc stated that she cant help me more… and all my docs push me now to act. But will this stop my pain one day? Could you recover in sz with “efforts”? I need some courage on this, cause I have no other option for fighting the sz anymore…I try to break the sedentary, the loneliness, the delusions, but it’s still so fragile that I dont know if itll work…
Anyway, you all seemed to believe in the meds, but the meds never fixed my thinking nor my emotions. I was in the psychiatry for 10 years, pals… nothing…
I still can’t get the answer I want from my therapist. Pm me if you feel like you need to talk more about it.
You should definitely continue your efforts and continue to fight it. You don’t want to go back to isolating the way you used to. Don’t let the delusions get to you too much. You’re a lovely woman, I bet with some continued effort you’ll have a chance to make more friends. Friends are hard right now especially because of the pandemic. I don’t have any friends in real life, only on the internet. I come here every day to be social. It’s three closest I get to conversation.
I feel for you @Anna1 . I have been in a very dark place myself at one time. PTSD and major depression made everyone withdraw from me, even my family.
Small efforts, one day at a time. I hope at least you can find some comfort and encouragement here on the board. I think we all understand
Thank you, dears… I come here too every day.
But do you believe in the efforts if even my ex pdoc got desperate about my healing by the meds? She saw very well how the meds dont help me much we agreed that I need the zyprexa in order to not be crippled in my bed, not sleeping and not eating, but I need a life too now gosh… I cant even talk much, I am aware of my thinking deficits, I get paranoid a looot around people still… all this causes me lots of suffering… I dont want to die up alone, between 4 walls.
Ya know, now I go outside in my neighborhood almost every day for 10 minutes, but when the pain gets me in the evening, I turn just into an animal I think plus I still carry so much despair about my future every day, that its killing me… in fact, I had this despair about my future since kid. That’s how few I lived… even since kid, yeah… 
I try to change as hell now, but I am left alone to those efforts… will be they enough to make me recover? Or most of you believe more in the meds? Gosh…
Are you better in your mind now dear @LED ? I am interested 
I should ignore the pain and just step forward or how? @LED, I feel nothing on my zyprexa, dear, isn’t it strange? One doc told me it’s like this when you are at our worst… Maybe I dont get better, cause I was sick for 15 years before the meds? It’s a long time to have been sick I am afraid yeap…
I sometimes wish, that my zyprexa hits me so hard in the head, that I forget about all pain etc… To knock me out so at least I feel something from it, in the hope, that this will lead me to a better state lol…
How long have you been on Zyprexa @Anna1 ?
I’ll tell you one thing. The fact that you are fighting every day, you are on here still fighting, no matter how hard it is, and we know it’s hard, but you are a true warrior. I’m in pain right now but I know you are in more pain than I am. I want to encourage you with all sincerety to never give up hope. Never! It WILL pay off, because when you are in so much pain there’s so much goodness to be felt. There’s so much life that you have to experience still. It’s not over, does not matter how long, your pain will decrease. I truely believe.
I spent 6 years in misery, not nearly as long as you, but 6 years I was nothing. Just a person in a room. I become so overweight, my online escape was online video games. I would feel so numb from the meds, I wouldn’t talk to anybody. I wouldn’t want to be around my family. Most days I didn’t ever believe I would ever have a life worth living. But like you at least my animal instinct told me to keep on pushing through the pain, because it’s the only option. There is no other option than to keep fighting, truely.
Meds yes, always keep trying variety of meds. But yes at some point there’s other things we must do. I started slowly letting go of things that were hurting me, even though they helped me for a long time. I let go of junk food, fast food, all sugar. My mind started to become more clear. I started intermittent fasting, not eating breakfast and no snacks, etc. I started to lose the weight, I started to like myself again. I started to believe in myself again. I quit the video games, it took me a long time and I didn’t have anything right away to replace them with but I said I’m done. I’m not going to waste my life away in a fake world. I WILL at least do something that will fulfill me. I started playing music. I started learning a foreign language. I finally got back into college part time. It was a lot, and is a lot of work, and it’s very hard, but my life is better.
I say this to encourage you, to keep fighting and do whatever you can outside of meds to help you. Do whatever it takes. Even if it means no dessert ever again or junk food (it’s so hard I know but it has helped me so much.) Anything you can do, do it! I believe in you!
Oh, thank you @thomas well, I feel guilty again, but I cant focus now on better eating tbh… It’s a bit of comfort in my evenings, where i am alone since decades…I guess I am a hater still. It’s hard to have the motivation when you were alone and sick even when I was decently looking… anyone, I need a bit of sugar still sometimes, it probably helps my brain a bit… maybe I’ll want it more to get fit one day…
You spent six years in the illness? It’s a lot too but am glad it’s easier now for you, really
Yeah, I find that I dwell a lot on the fact that I was sick since a small kid, but maybe some others were like me and this still makes of me a strong fighter lol 
maybe one day, I wont regret my past hah… thank you for the message lol 
5 years @Cragger tbh… but I was sick for something like 15 years before it… you know, my ill friends are knocked out by the zyprexa. Some find it depressive too…
Me, I feel nothing on it, nothing, for real!!! Nothing in my mind I mean. It doesnt even put me straightly to sleep hah…
But without it, I am crippled in my bed, stopping to eat or get up. So my doc says that it helps me… but not on my mind or body yet I say…
I have bouts of depression everyday, best thing I do is lie down and re collect my thoughts.
We “program” ourselves everyday. Through pain we get pleasure and vice versa.
Just try to have a balance and I’m sure things will workout for you @Anna1
Hope this helps.
Maybe the meds can put you in a good enough frame of mind where you can start helping yourself a bit
I do some very light exercise everyday, just to get your blood flowing and have your blood oxygenated. It does help. I hope you can start feeling better soon
I take my meds every day and yet I’ve been harassed, followed and recorded every single day since 2008. That’s why I think it’s real. I understand your pain. I really do
Just tell yourself you don’t care, so what, and move on. Literally “SO WHAT!” “WHO CARES?!”
If I do anything wrong, they’re going to kidnap me and torture me. That’s why I care. They thought I was a CIA agent. But they now know I’m not. Now they’re wondering if I work for another government. So if I mess up they’ll come after me. I don’t know what exactly would cause them to do it so I’m freaked out
I was until i started making more art and started following my dream career. Now i feel pretty fulfilled and whole though i still go through my episodes of suffering.
Do you know how they would torture you?
No. I don’t. But I know they’re specialized in torture
I had visions of where they would torture me.
That’s awful @flowers20