No, the meds didn’t work well on me, but I still take them…
I think, that I had such a bad family, that it was too much for a human… my father was terrible tbh, he made of me a slave, dumb person unable to talk, to move, having all wrong beliefs about the life and the others…
Folks, you know, I couldn’t even hug the guys which I was liking, my hands were weak and shaky, I was all stiffed and freezed from pain…
OK, so, I was totally given up for the last 15 years. Now I fight. But I find myself often still in pain… should I continue this fight now? It’s unbearable sometimes, my docs said, that I am a severe case…
But I try now all kind of things. It’s few still though, I sometimes can’t move from the couch for hours…
I guess an isolation of 20 years made me even sicker, right? 
I think this is true too… but my isolation wasn’t my fault either, I was programmed by it by the beatings of my dad… I was a sick and unhappy kid and gave up already around my twenties… now I am 39 years old and I want to recover…
But will my pain will ease if I continue my efforts? Maybe my mind turned numb too. I think a lot though, but about crazy stuff mainly… it’s like an inner monologue still…
It’s hell tbh. The main reason is that it lasts since decades…
Did your pain eased too with time and efforts? Now I want to live, I want to feel OK, but am on the edge still… my life situation is bad too… but I can’t change totally in a flip of a switch after such a past… maybe now I pay the price of the isolation and the loneliness besides the sz…
Tell me, that my efforts can pay pls? 
Or no one can’t be sure about it?
Yeah, one doc thinks, that I tried way too many meds, they dull too he said… but it’s done this… it was done even for 10 years with not big results…
Your posts are very difficult to respond to @Anna1 . That’s one of the reasons you are not getting replies I think. I don’t think any of us know enough about your condition(s) to say whether or not you will get better over time. Schizophrenia’s positive symptoms are supposed to get better as you age, if that’s the answer you’re looking for, so yes, you might get better as far as sz goes.
Your post is once again very desperate and hopeless sounding, however. What conditions do you have besides schizophrenia? Anything? Or are these all your sz symptoms? You sound like someone with a fatal disease and not someone fighting sz. I wish you good luck either way.
Sorry, but I am a sz… maybe I sound fatal, cause you can’t even imagine what terror we lived around my violent father… we weren’t even allowed to dance at home or to laugh or even talk…
It’s hurting me that you see me as dying…
I have conversion disorder as well and maybe bpd…
My ex pdoc was saying, that my sz is more painful than for others…
I look for hope yeap… I need to know if the efforts can pay, I can’t be always in pain if I try no?
I lived with suicidal ideation since the age of 10 until my thirties… this makes dull…
It’s not my fault, that I am hopeless, it’s not your dad who made you look for your mascara in the toilet for hours, cause he put it there only, cause you wanted to go out to flirt with the boys… and many worse things…
I start to think around you, that many people here didn’t have any abuse…
I was alone for 20 years and I still try to be kind…
Yeah, I am in pain, you could understand this. And no, the meds are not always the only answer…
I feel like you need to get out your pain through therapy. A therapist (a good one at least) can help you reconcile with a rough up bringing and to mourn for the past. I think then you need to try to move past your burdens from the past and try to seek the best solutions to your current day problems.
If you are in pain, emotionally the therapist can help.
It seems to me maybe you should be in some kind of therapy for your childhood trauma. Beyond that, I don’t know what to recommend. You are 39 years old now. At some point you are going to have to put your fathers abuses behind you and try to live for you. You can’t let those abuses rule your life forever. As far as the sz goes, I don’t know if it’s the positive symptoms of sz bothering you or the negatives but, as I said before, the positives can improve with time. Medication is not going to heal your childhood traumas however, nor should you expect it too. It seems to me this is more at the root of your suffering than anything else.
We’ve told you some things that can help you work your way to a solution, but at the end of the day, it is still work.
The problems you have emotionally won’t go away unless you go through the effort it takes to heal.
Just like physical therapy can improve a bad joint, but not fix it, you can improve your emotional state with therapy.
I have both positives and negatives yeap…
Why do you see me as dying though, while I am on the edge to kill myself because the others give up too easily on me? The fight is new to me, it should end up by paying no?
Today I don’t want to be kind… I saw people meaner than me with minor problems…
No, the others never can even imagine what we lived in my family… my father made of me an unhuman…
I don’t control my sz well still, it’s common in it, no? I think that it’s common yeah…
But yeah, some people had it easier… they don’t know, that I was smashed that the others see me as dying, while I had the paranoia of dying precisely, almost pissing on myself in the bed, cause I couldn’t get up…
Hopeless yeah… drag your feet every day for 4 hours since 20 years and then you’ll see… and you’d still will need love, hope and understanding…
I am not dying though, I just want a life now…
Sorry in advance, I am angry today!!! My online bf said also, that I sound as a dying person while it’s just my sz… I have even physical symptoms from it plus I am numb in my head…
Yeah, I’ll have to swallow my past. The problem is that I ignore now my symptoms, but they are still here…
I try the activities too now…
But tbh, I sometimes still hate to be awake even… whatever…
No one will like me mean as I am now…
And it hurts me to think of me, that I am dying… I feel alone in this kind of sz of mine 
No one said that you are dying. As your boyfriend also points out, you talk like you are however. I’ve actually known people who WERE dying that had a more upbeat attitude than you have. It’s just how you come across. I wish you the best.
Oh, sorry for my attitude lol!!! Have you been alone and isolated for 20 years? How would be your attitude after that, I would like to see it…
Yeah, you hate me all… you don’t understand that I saw the hell, but the main problem is that I saw it for too long…
No one said they hate you. It’s just my opinion that dwelling on the negatives will never get you anywhere. You have to try to focus more on the positives. I don’t hate you Anna1.
Who diagnosed you with conversion disorder?
OK, I am a freak. But 20 years of isolation makes freaks, that’s all…
The pdoc, who also said, that they gave me way too many meds…
I was aware, that I can’t control my body since a teenager… I was making ugly movements, I had pains etc… I knew it by myself, that I have some body disorder but this doc said it right away, that I have it…
Years of rape and beatings in my home as my mom was only attracted to violent men.
This doesn’t have to be used as an excuse. Possible to overcome the trauma and move on.
OK, thanks, I’ll try… sorry that my hate popped up today in such a way 
But my pdoc told me to open up now…
But I really find, that after 20 years of isolation, you will have a bad attitude too… I was a prisoner, with no one around… Only my mother who said, that she’ll take away my civil rights, cause I can’t do nothing…
OK, move on… I just hope, that the pain will ease and I’ll be able easily to forgive then, to all and myself too…
But I start to hate the pain yeah…
If you mostly don’t exercise and sit/lie around a lot, it can lead to debilitating pain as well. This is why I try and and maintain a minimum level of physical activity no matter how little I want to or how difficult it is (bad heart, injured back, etc.).
This is something you need to work out with your doctor.
I’ll hate one day my rumbling, no? Or not… the hate , probably yeah…
I’ll think on all, that you’ve told me.
But unfortunately, I got it very bad, I wasn’t complaining to my friends before about that…
My best friend is sz too, we met before our diagnoses and she said, that at that time, she even didn’t suspected what we had at home, cause I wasn’t talking… I started to complain some ten years ago, haha…
OK, some positive thing? I’ve done my blood checked and almost all is fine, besides a higher cholesterol and a bit of high liver enzymes. But I am healthy still physically, which is strange haha…
But yeah, need to move and get a life.
My docs continue to say, that there’s no trt for my negatives. The ads just increase my paranoia…
If I have a bpd as well, it’s another story. And there’s no trt for the conversion disorder as well, yeah…
Tbh, I feel different than 10 years ago, slightly better, but I have to progress much more, I have no time. And the hell still happens quite often.
But OK, enough on me. I’ll try to stay alive, I am really changing, but it’s sometimes ugly still though, as today here… 
So, sorry about that… I wish I could break something here instead lol…