So my paranoia in the evenings is still hard. I guess I am afraid that the others will judge me as a bad person. That they’ll be afraid from me. That they’ll judge me or even attack me cause they don’t like me. But its mostly, that they’ll judge me as crazy and will have fear by me. Its a painful state and its mostly physically paralyzing. for whom here his paranoia was also paralyzing? Maybe I cant move out from the bed in the evenings more because of the paranoia, than the negatives? Cause I went deep in the illness. I couldn’t determine if its negatives or paranoia what I have. Tell me the meds should work one day. They are not candies in the end, no? Is the paranoia such tough symptom to heal with meds?
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I also find quite difficult to find this balance between the peace of mind and thinking. That’s the point at the end, isn’t it? To still have thinking, but without fear too, no? I guess that’s why I am not ok, cause its not just up to calm the paranoia. we should have thinking and I guess this is hard for meds to do, no?
Everyone has people who like them, and people who dislike them, that’s life. If people think you’re crazy and fear you, it’s not the end of the world.
You can handle it.
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Sometimes what we fear and expect to be unbearable, we are wrong about it, and we can bear it. Sometimes our fears are wrong, and we can take it 
You’re a strong person Anna, and maybe you underestimate yourself.
Normies are foolish in that they fear anyone different. They think anyone different is Hannibal Lecter, they are wrong, not you.
I am just tired frings. I cant control my paranoid thoughts anymore… Ill kiss the ground outside soon. and I make efforts though. I am tired of having this ultra abnormal state… I cant get up from the bed cause I fear even some mystical forces, not only the others. I don’t pay attention, but I suffer, its not normal!!! I want to be happier already, I am tired of all kind of symptoms of mine
Sorry it’s so hard Anna, this is a hard illness.
I am tired of my coldness, I cant even hug my mom or something like this. Its been too much and maybe the fault is mine. I should have talked sooner that I am not okay…
I don’t think you’re cold, you shouldn’t blame yourself. If you tried your best then let that be good enough, noone is perfect.
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I really count that the meds will help me a bit more. Its not normal to feel them as candies, idk… For my docs, it was a progress that I got up from the bed because of the aps, but I cant imagine anymore so much loneliness and passivity for the future.
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In my experience I came to terms the fact that the fears, anxiety, paranoia, and “paranormal interuptions” as if those have ever been really what I thought before now…
…when I realized that these things were all my voices, and my voices were not just the spoken voices, that’s when it all came home to me.
Voices are feelings, complex thoughts, visions, whole concepts about entire areas, groups of people, and some of the most exaggerated and seemingly vilifying creative perceptions that my mind can make were what was causing fears, stumbling, stuttering, forgetfulness, distractions from focus, depressive thoughts, paranoia, odd arousal, even the stark sensation of being raped, molested and even being slaughtered and being chastised for it at the same time.
It all was the voices.
I think most people can relate with that, but what brought it home for me was when I figured out what everything that my mind is.
Mind is a phenomena. Light is a phenomena. Light comes from many sources, and the same is true of mind.
Mind is information. It represents other things, places, and what they are doing or being, but it is never any of those things, thus it is information.
Information is shapes. Information is frequency such as how many times per second does something vibrate.
When we read information, we look at these shapely letters. When signals are sent, the algorithms sort out the frequencies in the internet pulses as information.
In the universe there is only time and space. It’s kind of simple. Space is the shape, and time is the frequency or rate that the shape changes.
If there is only one shape of the universe, then there is no time because for there to be time there has to be continuous changing.
The context of a feeling is information. It represents something like a thing is unsafe, or our body is hurt, or our body needs nourishment thus hungers.
The shape and hues of images is another form of information. The frequencies and sequences in the sounds is another form of information. The sense of where our arms and legs are is another form, and there are more types of information to the mind.
Like in nature in information there is a subject and a predicate. They call this the logic. The predicate is what the subject is being or doing. It’s the same in a sentence, in a movie, on a computer, in nature, or in our mind.
If we said suddenly, “White,” that would be illogical because there is no subject that it describes. If we said, “Him,” that’s just not logical because what about him? There’s no predicate in that statement about the subject, “Him.”
If someone said, “The sky is talking,” we see that “sky” is the subject, and “talking” is the predicate. We have to check to see if there really is a sky, and we have to see if there really is such a phenomenon as talking. Yes, both of these are real.
Then we have to see if the predicate logically describes the subject, so we go to check in nature whether this is the state of reality, and per the rules of reality the sky doesn’t talk. Therefore the predicate fallaciously describes the subject.
“The sky is talking” is a logical fallacy. Even a movie that shows a sky talking is a logical fallacy. The movie is information, the sky is falsely depicted as a talking phenomenon, and that’s a fiction movie.
The same is true when we see in our mind something like a talking sky or a voice etc.
To me my mind is all grammar, and my sz symptoms are a kind of automated politburo news agency working to change the meaning of grammar and say what happened didn’t happen and what didn’t happen did happen in order to control. Yes, it is like having an automatic personality in my mind, but let’s keep in mind that it is my mind.
At the same time that that kind of “voice” is doing that there is another kind of voice that is acting out being scared, being forgetful, being emotional, being clumsy, and other strange characteristics.
Meanwhile I am not them. I am mind, so these things are mind, thus they are bits and pieces of what I am, but they do not define the logic in nature. Logic in nature is defined by the nature of nature which is not malleable.
LET ME SUM IT UP FOR YOU
In one hand my voices are mean, manipulative, and they change the meaning of my thoughts, what I see, hear, feel on my skin, in my body, what people say, and all kinds of tricks. That is the red ball in my one hand so to speak.
In my left hand is a blue ball, and that is the other half of those voices which are the feelings of fear, forgetfulness, stutterer, shyness, no confidence, no will power, sloth, anger at the voices, sadness, depression, attention deficit… That is the blue ball.
Both the red and the blue ball have a specific set of grammar. Remember, it’s brain grammar not writing grammar like what we see here although these are just shapes on a page, yet they too are brain grammar all the same.
So my trick was to just remain calm alone in bed for hours at a time when I need to, and just define the grammar of my mind. What does one feeling mean? what does another mean?
What about each thought? I can carry on and on this way.
What I could see then is that sometimes what a thought or feeling means at one time means something else later. I could see logical fallacies in that the subjects or predicates were not real, or they did not match in the mind grammar. I could see that things would happen that didn’t happen, and that’s what my mind said as though it didn’t happen, but I knew that it did happen. It would also say that things happened or are happening that never were happening, but I could see it, feel it, hear it, and it was so real.
All that was real was brain grammar, and if I didn’t understand the importance of defining grammar and subject/predicate logic in nature and information, then I would be at the mercy of this organ that lies to itself in order to defeat itself in shame, fear, and crying for mercy.
The brain is a strange organ. That’s why I study it as much as I do in a lot of fields of study under the “anthropological study.”
I hope you can relax. It was neat finding out the things I found out that I just shared. It helps me, so I thought I would share. 
Oh, @DMAdataANDmoodanalysis, thanks for the message. Since 6 months me gtoo I am more attentive to my thoughts. Me too I try to organize them, to listen better to what is healthy in me. But I am still ultra passive, it sucks. Maybe I am too ambitious still on that, that’s why I am not happy. But being like this since kid, and youll be impatient too. I don’t have voices but what I have is quite strongly psychosomatic. I have terrible headaches, because of too much bad thinking, not an ‘‘ok’’ thinking. Ok, ill try to fight, but my mom says that I wont get better with just thinking. Tbh, I don’t believe her on that a lot. she doesn’t know whats in my head…
In my experience headaches can be voices too. It’s just another kind of grammar. My voices would place pains in strategic places on my body, and when I was younger I pretended that depending on where the pain was was a telepathic sign. I was crazy obviously, but these pains and headaches were definitely grammar of voices too.
I think the quickest relief I can get for myself which i will share with you is a video about the brain on youtube. When you get bad off, I suggest watching a video about the brain, and just keep in mind every color, feeling, thought, pain, and all that you know of the world is all in an organ exactly like the one in the descriptive videos about brains.
I say don’t fear the brain. Get to know the brain. I actually, believe it or not, think like the brain is a special talking liver or kidney. It’s just another organ in my body, but this one talks. It’s neat, but I have to keep this in mind, so that my mind does not stray into logical fallacies, lies, diversions, and every manipulative thing that happens when the voices get out of control. That’s when the brain is not knowing what it is or where it is such as in a brain. Instead it is believing that it is something else, and that reality is everything in that hallucination bubble instead of what is outside of the brain. It’s confused, so I just train it again when it gets confused by myself a brain video on youtube. 
I hope that can help you too.
I had a paralyzing paranoia before the meds Anna, I’m sorry they don’t work more for you 
Whoever said, “sometimes the paranoids have real enemies” caused me a lot of anxiety.
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They helped a bit frings, but i still have it. I have anxiety too. Maybe the isolation really worsened me idk. In fact i lost my cofidence to talk also. I always have the impression to cant think too. Frings, one doc here once said to me, that ive tried too many meds and all this made me number probably too yeah… maybe they really turned me in a lab mouse 
. I felt crazy now after the long message of @DMAdataANDmoodanalysis wow. Dont worry guys though, but i lost my ability to think and socialize. Yea, i definitely got better since i am trying not to fear my brain and to push my confidence in others and myself. But gosh, i am ill probably after my 17 years of isolation. I dont want to be rejected cause i have some problem. Whatever, i have a hurted ego now 
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Yeh so much isolation would affect anyone, not just a person with sz. I think it’s great you push yourself to go out, it’s not easy I know.
I’m sure it helps even if you don’t notice it much. Like a sculptor chips with her hammer at the marble, nothing happens on the outside but it’s breaking on the inside, until she hits 1000 times and it is chipped away for the eye to see. Maybe that is how change happens.
I should sleep, best wishes.
Yeah…idk anymore to what to grab to stay alive cause its almost impossible now to recover after 17 years of isolation… idk any other case like this. ■■■■ my hole family, they did this to me!!! To what should i stick now after so much time, please tell me??? To what in order to have the strenght to fight? Yeah, the isolation marked me i think…
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I feel sorry for you, Anna1. If you ever want to talk about anything even crazy stuff that you never got to sort out before, you can talk to me. We can’t change the past, 
but we can change the future. 
Hehe