I think step one is don’t panic. Easier said then done. The wave of paranoia is getting faster and more furious.
The kid sis and I always go out on Sundays. She picks small quirky stuff that’s around town and I found out she deliberately makes sure we arrive during the slow times. This time it was the U.W. student’s art exhibit at the loft gallery. I know this gallery. It’s in a park where I used to work I. I used to mop floors there. It’s a good open space, not huge, but has a spacious feel. But today, I had to get out of there. I was feeling like there just wasn’t enough exits, not enough hiding places and a few of the darker exhibits were really upsetting me. I was on the lookout for the kidnappers again. It didn’t help that I kept loosing her in the crowd because she dyed her hair from her natural redhead to shiny black. I kept misplacing her and getting panicked that the kidnappers got her. I was able avoid a panic episode and shouting in the gallery because logically I KNOW she would never just take off on me. I know if a kidnapper tried to get her in the middle of a semi empty gallery, she’d be noticed fighting him off.
(But I did have her paged. I told the curator my 7 year old kid wandered off. They paged her and he was surprised when he saw that she was 17 and not 7. She was wondering why her Dad was paging her to the front. Fun times had by all.) I also had a personal earthquake, and then I ended up walking around the park for a while, trying to catch my breath and calm down. She was fine with leaving.
The other day I was upset that she just walked into a store without looking through the window’s first to find the fire exits, the security lay out, the lighting, and the safety zones. I’ve always taught her and my other siblings to look through the windows and make sure the place is safe before going in. She was surprised we’re doing this again. I was surprised we ever stopped. It makes me think that maybe I’m not doing so well. The more I panic about not doing so well, the worse I get.
I haven’t had a paranoid wave like this in a while. It started off sort of small as I’ve been dealing with a negative family member who really set me off; and now I just can’t seem to catch up. I feel like I’m loosing ground. I’m trying to use logic and common sense and keep my mind from racing. I’ve been able to slow down a bit now. I still have more good days then bad ones. But I don’t want that scale to keep tipping.
I’m wondering if my old milk cartons are bring up all this memory and just continuing the paranoid wave that my younger brother helped set in motion? It might be time to burn the old milk cartons. Yes, and go talk to my doctor. That too.