for me, it is keeping my feelings intact. the voices, the tactile stuff and all that is also hard but not the worst of it.
how about you?
judy
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the negative symptoms. i was never ambitious, but i was consistent.
now i’ve become really inconsistent.
some days i ask myself, whats the f***king point? i’m on disability and can be for the rest of my days, so why not just smoke weed and chill? why wake up and go to work when all i see is sadness around me?
i was on the subway during the 8 AM morning commute, and man, all i saw were long faces of people going to jobs they ■■■■■■■ hate.
“we have no great war, no great depression… our war is a spiritual war, our great depression is our lives”
we’re born, we die, do a bunch of ■■■■ in between, but nothing truly matters. ash to ash, dust to dust.
i’m 21. dying doesn’t scare me. i just hope that whenever it happens, it will be quick and painless, hopefully an instantaneous death (that’s my only wish).
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Being around people is the hardest thing for me. I get really paranoid that they’re going to harm me in some way. And if I let the paranoia run too far out of control, I’ll start having auditory hallucinations. Not pleasant.
I’m working on it though.
Blessings,
Anthony
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If I leave my house It seems like everyone I come across telepathically psychoanalyzes me . They send me what there judgment of my fruedian state is. You’re straight, you’re gay among worse things. I try not to think about sex there is no point in it, but the voices keep me questioning my sexuality. Something I just dont really care about anymore. Its like being stuck on a broken record and it gets really old. I came out as a bisexual to be done with all that ■■■■, only thats when I went crazy. Now im stuck in this back and forth of a cultural paradigm. Can’t just accept myself and stop thinking about it. I really hope they aren’t telepaths because it seems really embarrassing. I hope its all in my head, its just so real and fluid it certainly seems like they are telepaths in my experience. It gets really old, at least I got a job. If I could just purge myself of all things sexual I think I could be happy but I have an entire psychosis in the way.
The feeling that I will never be who I wanted to be before I became schizophrenic. It hurts to have broken dreams. All I wanted was to be a Navy SEAL and that is gone forever and no matter how well my meds work and how well I perform academically and even physically (I have recently gotten into powerlifting and I am already good, but not great like the guys who work at the gym, they’re all Elite class, I am class 1, two ranks below), I can’t be who and what I had always wanted to be. I wanted to be an officer in the SEALs, I was an honors student at an international school and was working on my third belt in Krav Maga when I became mentally ill.
Schizophrenia can happen to all sorts of people. I think it’s peculiar that it happened to someone like me- a smart, fit teenager who would have made an excellent officer. I was hell-bent on becoming a SEAL, I had researched their training and knew everything about them, and I was planning on joining ROTC.
The hardest part is projecting my thoughts out into onto external reality.
anxiety of being around other human beings, give me a forest with animals and birds, insects , i would have made a good ’ elf '.
take care
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anxiety social or otherwise. its the worst for me its get exhausting.
For me, it’s being held to the same rules and regulations as regular people if I want to fit in long enough to get the things I need and want.
Thought disorder and emotional dysregulation are difficult to me. If I couldn’t trust my own perceptions and my thinkings are tangential. What can I depend on? How can I get anything accomplished? It is difficult to live with a general feelings of anxieties. They are failing qualities to me. I find my life to be kept failing with the development of the disorder. It is like with every move, I fail.
right now i will say i find it really hard to keep taking my med on time but thats because i am stable and almost completely symptom free.
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when I have to do hard challenging stuff, when Im being commanded by voices.
being socially crippled
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The delusions and false memories are not easy.
But the wax-build up, not being able to understand people or figure out what to do. It is very hard to complete task that others find so easy.
i haven’t been diagnosed with schiz’ coz i don’t fit all the criteria but everyday is a struggle for me. mostly because of apathy and voices. i want so much to b a doer and not just a thinker but i find it really hard. sometimes i get bursts of energy regardless of the voices and will clean like there;s no tomorrow but it doesn’t happen often enough to make me happy. i also suffer for half the month with migraine. if i didn’t have those i would b a lot happier i think.
I understand what your saying with your lost dream. But remember things could ALWAYS be worse. You still have your sanity and health. 
And a lot going for you besides that!
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The hardest part is having other people demean me calling all sorts of names. Never had someone doing that to me back then. But it has gotten worse. I have a group of people who detest me calling me freak and other names. I still realize that i’m still sensitive and my feelings get hurt. Also i suffer from intrusive thoughts that these people don’t understand.
I think the hardest thing for me is people not understanding what’s goin’ on with me, especially in social situations outside of my support group. I deal with constantly thinking that I’m inadequate or being to quiet.
Going down that long lonesome highway.
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I found my overall survival incredibly tough. Then after doing all that, what is left of me now is less than nothing. Meaning its mostly negatives and emptiness. Beforehand I used to be afraid of death and I could put up an incredible fight to stay alive. I no longer see a difference between being alive and being dead. Neither one or the other is any better.
These days in my apartment on a table I have a penny standing on its side and I look at it on and off while realizing that the 56 years of life that I have had so far are less in value than the value of that one penny.
After all of the different illnesses that I have had, I fought back and survived each time, but did so for absolutely no gain at all other than becoming a burnt out walking dead man.
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