I can say one is when things don’t go right I instantly wish I was dead. Why is that?
I would say not knowing who I am is the worst part
I dont know why that is but what is most disturing for me is the rage I feel for the psychological invasion.
The negative stigma media keeps distributing with the illness…anytime someone does a violent crime they must be mentally…and instantly people think …schizophrenia. Not all of us are psychopathic killers…even at our worst
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The worst part about my brand of the disorder, if you’d like to call it that, is knowing what it is.
They show me over and over again by way of external causes and also some internal that im dealing with something with a conscious cause and they are burning my entire life to the ground.
I hate the way it is going to kill me at this rate.
I’m cutting out preworkout because I had an aortic anuerysm and my lower abdomen was twitching and pulsing like hell and I stayed awake until 4am and then had school today.
I’m gonna go back to caffeine pills, maybe energy drinks, I have both stocked in case of emergency. I think preworkout makes me high and we don’t need me high. It also makes my heart beat go insane and my skin crawl and feel prickly. That ■■■■ is just no. I’ve quit it before due to it interacting with zyprexa. I don’t need that ■■■■. It’s not worth dying or being in a wheelchair after surgery for.
As for smoking, I have quit three times and picked it back up three times. When I get accepted into a grad school, I will go on the patch, perhaps permanently due to how nicotine helps me concentrate. I just don’t want to die of lung cancer. If I get into a PhD program, I will surely quit smoking, a masters program will make me quit too but a PhD program would make value my life so much that I would quit hardcore and not even keep smokes around for emergencies.
Being a candidate for the title “Dr.” means that I can’t behave like a stereotypical schizophrenic who smokes a pack a day.
I just want to get into a PhD program and not drop dead after I finish it. Then I want to save lives just like mine was saved.
In the meantime I do very well. If I have to get a masters before getting into a PhD program, so be it. I will get licensed one day and I will sit down and listen to someone like me and use professional skills and personal experience to help them. I am overqualified for the masters program they offer at my school. I am actually standing solid for admission to a funded PhD program, it just matters where the program is; if I apply to like a dozen programs, I will probably get into one of them with my test scores, GPA and research experience. I don’t want to leave my friends and family and girlfriend behind. And my cats and dogs, I love them too.
I hate when I can’t tell what is real or not and just have to follow the law of parsimony- I was legally insane and still have chronic schizophrenia- strange things are probably not real because I am certified crazy. I am well treated, not cured. There is no cure.
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The world, myself not being real for 50 years - I dropped out somewhere.
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Pre workout also makes me high as ■■■■ . I do fine on energy drinks or really strong coffees though
I don’t like the part when the line between reality and unreality gets blurred to the point where it can be difficult to tell what experience was real or just hallucinatory
The one person we should be able to trust is ourselves but with this illness that ain’t the case
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I hate the paranoia the most, you question everyone’s motives thinking everyone is plotting against you.
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I hate the residual images that “film” you could call it that still likes to pop in my head…I hate still being haunted by the grotesqueness of the images. Like reading too much Stephen King…can’t get the pictures out of your head.
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That I have totally inappropriate emotions at times
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I hate the self consciousness I feel around people.
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Not being equal to other people. Not being able to win. Not being able to compete on the same terms as most “normal” people in the game of life.
But I’ve always been like this.
But I should be grateful for what little I’ve got.
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The medications
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I hate the fact that I have little control over my mind, especially during an episode. I want to think differently but the paranoia takes over and that freaks me out. Each time I have an episode I have to get my meds adjusted with the pdoc’s help. I wish there was a way to reason oneself out of psychosis.
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Having it…
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I hate voices, just voices
Being paranoid and questioning everyone around me all of the time. I’m also very socially isolated.
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I don’t really hate the Sz. It’s just ■■■■ that happened to me. I hate being overweight because that’s on me. That’s my fault for not fixing.
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