Well dudes and dudettes

Unusual Beliefs
1

I’m pretty lost again. Don’t know what the ■■■■ happened to my life. I don’t even know how I made it this far. Recovery… The hope of that is what kept me going… I accepted things were permanent and now I feel myself falling backwards.

Felt an unshakable frustration with things today. Now I’m lying here sleepless. Mind is completely numb. All my thoughts are just about the illness. Voices like a storm overhead. Still not as bad as they have been.

Can’t think of a single thing that would bring me any element of happiness.

Perhaps this is depression setting in. I don’t know if it was just a bad day.

Sleep might. Slept from 2 pm to 7. Was sort of an accident. Was rudely awakened. That’s all the sleep I need though for 12 hours or more of wakefulness.

You all can stop reading whenever you like. I’d write in a journal but without an audience things fall to ■■■■.

This is essentially me writing to kill time.

The morning was great. Got up early. Symptoms were easy to control. Went to a restaurant everything was pretty good.

Mind was still mostly blank. I had a lot of clarity though. A strong sense of self. What little activity the brain took to was all pretty positive stuff.

Went to tj max. Mom wanted to do some shopping. I went in to use the restroom. Looked at their selection of male clothing. Found nothing. That took about 3 minutes.
Was a little more symptomatic at that point. Messages but positive ones.

I went out and stood next to the car. Smoked some tobacco. Put some music on my phone. Smoked some more tobacco. Was talking on the forums here as well. That sense of clarity and control came back to me. If there is a trick it’s not thinking about it, not allowing the space in your mind for the messages. It’s real difficult when your in proximity to people. Sometimes I can look at a person without a message happening.

Was doing so well that I thought I’d head over to my brothers. Chill with them while I had this clarity.

When I got there though they were just leaving. Getting ready to make the half mile walk to this Mexican place for cheap margaritas. They asked me if I wanted to go. I was debating it. Then I said sure why not. “Do you want to drive?.” It was nice but I didn’t want to walk. So I agreed to.

This is where everything fell to ■■■■.

I was walking up to the restuarant with my brother. Mind was clear. Self consciousness was gone. Wasn’t judging the environment. I was just observing enjoying the air. Then I hear speak “So you can control your mind.” Almost as if he was shocked…

Back to ■■■■■■■ delusion city. That’s all it takes to make it real.

Immediately regretted going. Now I was locked into half an our of psychosis that I couldn’t get out of. Sure enough messages. Spoken words. All about me. Like they are watching me. Paranoia just brought up all the bad psychological crap. Got self conscious. Got judgemental. Shut down on the social level. I was like ■■■■ this I’m getting a coffee.

The coffee shop was on the same block. 20 oz iced mocha. 4$. Bitching in my head the whole way while singing some song I can’t remember now.

Sat down. More psychosis. They finally finished. I drove them home. They all got out and went into my brothers neighbors. I just sat in my car windows down engine off. Really just wanting to leave, but knowing that I had nothing else to do. Eventually I followed them in.

Watched them all smoke a couple bowls from the couch in the adjacent room. Over heard their normie bs. Didn’t say a damn thing. Nothing of what they said was of any interest to me. Same thing was going on that the restaurant.

Once they were done smoking most of them decided to go to the dog park. One of the girls there had a couple dogs. I wasn’t gonna do that. I would have ended up walking back after 5 minutes anyways.

The whole time any of that was going on these people were seemingly telepathically criticizing me behind their spoken words. Watching me wobble between all my psychological states. Critiquing everything. As it has been about 98% of every moment I’m around people for the last two years.

Left that house crossed the driveway into my brothers place. Had that feeling to just leave. To escape. To get back into my room and just stay there. Still bullshited with a friend for a few minutes. Was a dealer over.

At this point I ■■■■■■■ hate drugs.

Left about 15 minutes. The anger that my morning has been so great and my afternoon was immediately crushed by one statement was slowly rising.

Pissed, sad, confused, tired, hateful…

Finally got to my room. Checked the forum out. Probably chatted a bit. Wasn’t enough for me to unwind.

Kicked off my shoes. And just closed my eyes. Tried to clear my mind. Something I’ve gotten good at. Gotta make the best of the times when you get a break…

Anyways that led to sleep.

I was supposed to take my mom and brother out for dinner because we missed it on her birthday the week before. I told I’d pay for it. Would have been a nice time. It was just that afternoon experience. Something that made it all seem real. ■■■■ that ■■■■. They do just enough to keep me on the edge of frustrated confusion. No ■■■■■■■ respect for me at all, and I’ll never get it. Either it’s not real and they don’t see it, or it’s exactly how they want it to be.

Anyways my mom wakes me up. Just stands there with her hand on my foot until I open my eyes. Continues to stand there with her hand on my foot. I shook my leg. Woke up even more pissed then when I had went to sleep.

Completely blew off the meal. I knew that I couldn’t handle it. She could probably tell as well.

Her and my brother did go ahead and get some food somewhere.

I layed there for about two hours. Didn’t fall back asleep. She had eaten and returned home.

If I was gonna be awake for a while I needed some coffee. Went to the gas station. Got some starbucks. Got back home.

Been on my phone all night… Pretty much symptom free :smile: but dealing with a lot depression and anger and doom. One singular thought of suicide…

That is a day in the life.

So it goes, so it goes.

2

I am sorry you had a flair up.

As someone on the outside looking in… reading what you post… it seems there might be a pattern developing.

I don’t want to be disrespectful, but it seems like you brother… who does sound like a nice guy and a friend… has a few toxic habits that seem to start your glitch over and over.

You might need to set some parameters saying… you can’t hang with him if he’s going to get high and drunk… it seems to trigger you.

I could be very wrong on all this, it’s just how I’m reading it.

Maybe suggest a hike with no margaritas or a show?

I’m sorry you had this hit you. I do hope you feel better soon. I know the telepathy feels real, and I’m proud of you for fighting it off.

I hope you feel better soon. I’m rooting for you.

3 Likes
3

The morning was great… I’m just going to look back on that and forget about the rest.

Them kids always doing drugs. If I want a social life I gotta deal with it. My other friends are no better.

4

Sorry to hear that. I hope they grow out of the drugs.

You’re right… enjoy the good times and accentuate positive.

I hope you can find other things to do that they might want to join in on. Or try and add a new friend into the mix.

How’s today going so far?

5

Pretty good. Been isolated for long enough that things have slipped out of memory. Restored my mood and stability. I definitely plan on staying in today. I need a break.

2 Likes
6

Kind of getting some voices. They “sprout” and say some ■■■■ I can’t discern then disappear.

7

Sometimes I think our families make us worse. But what alternative is there? When I went to California and lost contact with my family I was always trying to find a replacement. Dated nice guys but always blew them off. Trusted the wrong people I guess.
The trouble with normies is they exist in the mundane. So they look for trouble while we avoid it. I plot my escape often but even if I can hold a job down the road, what will I do in my spare time. Same thing as I do now. Stare at the wall and get on my phone. I hate drugs. Just another excuse to have an excuse.
starting to make friends with my brothers gf. She’s the only normal one. As in normal=understands that world does not owe her anything and she is not better then anybody. My brother will blow it with her though to crawl into my moms lap. I guess the love is good O.o.
I’m asking myself the same thing. What am I doing?

1 Like
8

As the saying goes, “if nothing changes, nothing changes.” Time to meet some different people. Suggest looking into volunteer work for a couple of hours, one day per week to start with. You’ll meet people there who are into a much better scene. Are there any programs you can attend in your area that will let you meet other, healthier people as well?

Running with a toxic crowd never ends well. Changing my surroundings was one of the first things I had to do when I quit drugs and booze over two decades ago. My old friends kept trying to drag me back into the quagmire because my sobriety made them uncomfortable.

Good luck.

10-96

4 Likes
9

Been trying dude. Did meet some cool people the other day, but they are also users. Everyone in this town is its ridiculous.

10

I remember that happening to me as well. It’s hard to get that transition going… but I had one friend follow me out of the fog… we lost touch with each other… but we both were able to quit drugs and drinking.

1 Like
11

Is there a Salvation Army store in your town? They usually need help getting stuff out for sale. They’re totally non-judgemental and I’ve never had them shove religion down my throat in over two decades. If you just want to chill and help out without any pressure to do things you shouldn’t, they’ll understand and invite you to come in and fold stuff or put labels on. I met some cool people there I’m still in touch with 20 years later on. They’re a good way to meet people who aren’t party heads.

10-96

1 Like
12

I’ll look into that. We do have a salvo.

1 Like
13

I don’t know I wouldn’t be too hasty in ditching your friends. Looking for new ones is always good of course. I personally have no problem with my friends taking drugs and they have no problem with me abstaining from it. If you can get in such a situation than what’s the problem? I think it’s good to stay in contact with people who know you well. And as far as I understand, your friends aren’t the only people triggering telepathy symptoms, it happens with most people, right? If so I would be careful in blaming them for the symptoms even though they have some habits you no longer have.

1 Like
14

If they are telepathic… which they probably arent. They are all inclined to treat me the same. I havent spoken to a human in two years aside from on the internet without this telepathic shiite going on.

15

It’s not most people… it all people. its ridiculous.

16

Does the telepathy transcribe like mass amounts of coincidences? Not trying to trigger you. Just have something similar in my own life.

17

Uhhh. Yeah fits seemlessly into the experience of life. Matches up with peoples expressions. Then I hear spoken ■■■■…

dont worry about triggering me. If I walk outside the nearest human would start talking ■■■■.

always triggered. it sucks. Ive thought it through so many times I just have this mental shrug.

For the most part the make sure it doesnt seem real. Then when I’m doing good. Theyll say some ■■■■… Making it seem real heightening my paranoia.

18

I will be talking to God and he will tell me I should get red apples at the grocery store so I will say ok. Then I get there and there is a red geo metro illegally parked blocking the door. That’s a very mild example but it always strikes me as odd.

19

Even though I don’t even like red apples…

20

And annoying as that is, I therefore wouldn’t be too quick in saying your friends are ‘the triggers’, I have had this period where I’d say very little in social situations, almost nothing unless asked. It was good to have some friends around, if only to hear them talk and be around. I know it was difficult for them that I was being so quiet and all, doesn’t make for the best conversations if one person has to do all the talking. But them having me around showed they cared. Maybe you’re a bit less talkative as well, i dont know, but if so then for your friends having you come over is a sign they care, even though they may not talk directly about how things are going with you etc. I get the sense that you quite regularly keep visiting friends even though it’s causing you much distress to be around people. I think that’s a good thing, when things get better you don’t want to have lost touch with everyone you know I suppose.

2 Likes