Introduction: I'm Back and New Stuff (Long Post).

Unusual Beliefs
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I’m back hopefully. I’ve been a member for a while (years) but took a break for a while.

This is a good website.

I haven’t been feeling well and I am lonely. I have no friends. Limited family.

I’m the guy that still drinks 10 low carb monsters every day due to some strange addiction. It does seem to be impossible to quit.

My dad is mean to me over the phone (he moved) and I barely get monetary support and he’s not that nice anyways. My mom seems a little weird to me and my step- dad is getting old and our relationship has improved. We never got along. I wonder if I was born into the wrong family or I am dependent on them and I just have a lot of hate or bitterness towards my family now and especially my own life and circumstances. I live in a hoarder’s house and my room is messy (trash on floor) because I have to collect cans and I hate it. My room also smells…

I think I come from a dysfunctional family, but I also believe I’ve tried to believe in God and the Bible more…so?

I’m disabled. I have had treatment resistant schizophrenia for some time but they call it mild/borderline schizophrenia ie schizoaffective disorder now.

I probably tried too many supplements over the years like the race-tams (causes psychosis/paranoia/dopamine), but cured my severe dissociation and de-realization where I thought I lived in a dreamworld or matrix or simulation based on my senses.

I got too heavily involved with conspiracy theories (alex jones, books, youtube, rumble, Super Soldiers, etc.) and I am poor, dependent, and hate my life and sometimes myself, but I have insight into my illness – I know I am sick.

I’m fat and physically weak…but I thought I was psychic.

I stopped interacting and talking with my uncle. Oh well.

I don’t think given my luck, circumstances, fate, and health I’ll make it past 40 – especially to 50 :frowning:

I’m 34 now, I guess.

I do like being alone. I realize I am delusional and was told I have grandiose fantasies and stuff like that.

I think I drink my energy drinks due to stress, fixation, anger, OCD, routine, depression, negative symptoms, and medication. Been doing it since I was 15 years old.

I also smoke a lot of cigs and don’t do much and sleep to much now – currently. I rarely change my clothes…

I do take the medication and it helps. Caffeine cancels out the meds and I heard same thing with the cigarettes.

I realize my brain is broke. I have some sort of amnesia for most of my life now – from birth to around high school. That’s from 1989 – 2007ish. Then I have another gap from 2007-2011. Then another gap from 2011-2013 possibly. I have biographical information and all that stuff but feel like it didn’t happen and I’m either a clone or experienced an infinite time loop…basically reincarnation/time travel. I question things now.

I was pretty low functioning or treatment resistant undifferentiated schizophrenia early on. I even got ‘misdiagnosed with Asperger’s first’ and I used to smoke marijuana back in the day with my marijuana card because I was stupid and thought it was cool and had poor social skills due to Asperger’s.

I take only 2 medications and I’m obese. I take Vraylar 6mg and Cymbalta 120 mg. I realize the Cymbalta works great, but Vraylar isn’t the best anymore. I thought about changing it but I do seem better to others now, which makes no sense. Inside, I’m a mess.

My teeth are bad because I don’t brush them and I rarely shower. Is it depression or lack of care?

I would say that I felt really down lately and all that crap. I have the matrix delusion and all that crap; I have lucid dreams that are negative/traumatic where I was getting astral projection into another me and I was being tortured. I guess my brain is broke and it’s not real to others. I don’t have visual hallucinations, but I very rarely hear voices and they are short. Thank God I barely hear stuff. I sometimes think it’s grey aliens or reptilians, or even a mind control program, but that’s crazy, and nobody believes it. Do I entertain it or just ignore the thoughts? For my own health, I must move on hopefully.

I thought it was either “cloning centers” or past lives (parallel universes), really. You know “Illuminati aliens” which aren’t real.

The biggest things that have negatively impacted my health are 1) Energy drinks 2) Taking adder-all once while hospitalized 3) seeing that ‘alien UFO’ in the backyard no one else saw AND black helicopters… 4) and the “nightmares” 5) and not improving that fast/well, really.

I felt like I had barriers set in place or set backs to improve my life like working…getting a job…

I’m starting to realize it’s my subconsciousness messing with me and I’m not being cloned at night and I probably don’t have amnesia, a brain chip, DID, and I’m not an alien abductee or in a Mk ultra like monarch. I probably am just a random, insignificant, boring, lonely, path-ethic, poor, loser.

I never had sex or had a girlfriend or been intimate. It never bothered me, really. I’m over it, really now.

Beginning with my illness: I lost motivation, energy (mainly), drive, and organizational skills and planning.

My philosophy on life sucks like time loops, eternal recurrence, etc. It’s not real to others. My brain is broke and I get images and ideas stuck in my head and delusions (mainly) from what I read and hear.

I guess my craziest symptom is my dreams where I hallucinate entire worlds and people and they talk and stuff like that. Sort of like I google/look up “Emma Roberts” or “Taylor Swift” and in my dream she is talking to me and stuff like that, for example. These experiences or lucid dreams last 1-5 minutes, mostly. Not that much longer. I think it’s called astral projection or something but I don’t like it and don’t do it on purpose. It might be called lucid dreaming and I’ve been experiencing it nonstop (not every day) (but frequently).

Started thinking I was demon possessed or some ■■■■ lol…

My consciousness does seem broken and my subconsciousness seems infinite. My delusions are like “I can remember past lives, which seem forever”. I’m not that smart…!

I hope these thoughts are appropriate now. I know it’s long. I tend to type a lot of things lol. I posted a lot. I don’t expect nor want or need compensation anymore. I’m over it…

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Hey there nice to meet you. Welcome to the community

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I’m sorry that you’re in the shape you’re in, it can’t be easy to live like that. I don’t know what to say except I was in bad shape too at one point but I got better and maybe you will too. I could make some obvious suggestions to you but I’m not sure if you would be happy hearing them.

First of all I would say take care of your health; it’s very important. You’ll feel better if you have good hygiene, go to a dentist and eat right. Those things are under your control.

The monster drink addiction is a tricky one, I think you could join a 12 step program to help you stop drinking so much. An addiction is an addiction and getting all the support in AA or NA would help you overcome that. And before you dismiss going to AA entirely I’ll tell you that I had a crack addiction in the 1980’s and I finally got clean in 1990 by going to AA. in the 15 years I went to meetings I only had two members complain about an addict using AA to get clean. And honestly, they were both jerks.

Another suggestion is going to some sort of day program to get help and take your mind off of your problems. Can you look into finding one in your area? I went to a day program for a year. There were 11 or 12 clients and two staff members. The staff members led groups and classes and counseled us clients. The program was four days a week, 4 1/2 hours a day and they kept us busy with the classes and groups I mentioned and led us in doing art projects and playing games and cooking. We had a couple of 20 minute breaks during the day and had a 45 minute lunch. We socialized and hung out and it was a good program.

I think it would be better than sitting around thinking about your problems all day which it sounds like you do now. I can say from experience, you can spend all your time trying to “think your way” out of your problems but very few problems get solved by ruminating on them while you’re alone and not having contact with people.

I personally never had the typical delusions about religion, aliens, the government, the CIA or conspiracy theories but I used to think a lot of weird stuff, my thinking was so off that I ended up in the hospital for 8 months in the 1980’s. I still think weird stuff but as I have gotten older my symptoms have got better. But I’ve been in hospitals and group homes and seen psychiatrists and therapists. I find the busier I am, the better I do. When I have nothing to do I ruminate on my problems and go over and over the same delusions in my mind and it’s not fun.

You’re not hopeless, I’ve seem many amazing stories of people getting their lives back after mental illness took everything from them. They go better and participated in life. It seems like you are overwhelmed with your problems and you probably feel like giving up but there’s hope. You can start by making a few little changes like cleaning yourself and your room and dressing halfway decent and eating right and once you mastered those you can work on your bigger problems.

In my 63 years on this planet I have often seen that people give up because life is too hard but in a lot of cases, giving up is harder in the long run than to just keep struggling and improving your life. I don’t know if any of this will help you but I wish you good luck and I hope your life gets a little better. Take care.

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Thanks everyone!

@77nick77 Thank you for your post! It means a lot.

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Hey, I remember you. Lots of sci fi delusions. You seem better a bit.

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I’m actually not better, but am more kinder, appropriate here now. I see things have changed here and I want to be civil here and still am working on my delusions of grandeur and fantasies I guess. I don’t want to entertain them ad nauseam. I was told they weren’t real every time, and then I also realize the ‘impossibility’ of my own theories and delusions.

I want to improve my life, be a better person, and be nice. I want to heal.

I guess it’s my imagination, mind’s eye, and hallucinations in my head and stuff like that. I have past life memories that are there, probably from ‘psychosis’ from caffeine or some ■■■■. I was told the caffeine stimulates me and makes me more talkative, energetic, changes my personality, and stuff like that. I think it stimulates me basically, which I always felt I needed.

The energy drinks are a lie basically. It does the opposite. I feel better when drinking water (I might drink water 1-2 a week :frowning: ). So basically, I’m dehydrated and my father insulted me and said I am like an alcoholic or have water on my brain, which I doubt and was viewed as a cruel insult.

It’s an addiction. I’m thinking about detoxing and going to a place – somewhere new, different, I guess – eventually. I’m pretty limited. I’ve been to treatment and therapy before too many times and don’t like it anymore. It’s a crutch and a waste of time and money and causes anxiety, stress for me now. I did feel pretty depressed or down about it. I used to go all the time and since I started ‘Vraylar’ I stopped using it as a co-dependence or crutch, basically. I used to be addicted to therapy, I guess because of the negative symptoms I had and mood swings.

My biggest complaint I have with my mother is she is ‘inactive’ or doesn’t act or ‘believe’ or ‘engage’ my delusions and fears. I’m basically ignored. Basically, she married 3 ‘wrong men’ including my father. I get along with my step-father now after many years of anger towards him and vice versa. I think he feels bad, has mild cognitive impairment, diabetes, etc. I think he feels bad, guilty how he treated me for 30 years. I’m not a kid anymore, and I have changed. I have no where else to go, basically.

My father never respected me and treated me like ■■■■. You cannot change who raised you or ‘created’ you in a sense. You’re stuck with your family, and a group home or something would be worse for me I think right now and my mom agrees.

My biggest complaint right now is my parents, which I care about. My sister told me she feels the same way. I get along with my siblings right now. They are good people.

Overall, I’m pretty optimistic now especially now coming back to the site lol.

I embellished (lied) that my IQ is 140 when actually it’s like 110-120 or something, which is meaningless and I cannot do much and have no skills or anything. At least I have insight now. I know I have schizophrenia and cannot perform like I used to. I never wanted to be a statistic and refused to be one. I believe in God now, but honestly, don’t know if it’s 110% real nor if it’s good for me. I have to put things in perspective that I was raised evangelical and my mom used to be a Sunday school teacher for pre-school or something growing up and married a man (step-father) who has the same level of faith as her.

I think I went too “OCD” about my delusions and went full force into my disorganized thinking that I was “Satoshi Nakamoto” (I’m not). It was a delusional fantasy I read about and then reinforced with my paranoia and mental thinking. I don’t and never had those skills. Furthermore, I even got religious about it reading into things and between the lines that it is the ‘mark of the beast’, which it isn’t at all.

I think the same thing can be said about the “John Titor” story. I am not him either lol.

I’m just a random schizophrenic that feels hurt, traumatized, and got the short end of the stick in life. I guess I’m ‘crazy’ now.

I got into the whole ‘cloning’ or parallel universes, and past life/reincarnation thing like ‘INFINITE REGRESS’ or ‘turtles all the way down thing’ where I live in a simulation, computer program, or matrix or whatever one identities it as. I guess I even viewed it as aliens or God running things and even had a God complex and superiority/inferiority complex. I even had delusions of grandeur I was a time traveler (I’m not) and experienced all sorts of unknown things like time loops and fears of being hurt/tortured/killed, etc because of my beliefs and delusions as well as people harming my family – even. I got scared and I guess I have irrational thoughts and paranoid delusions and persecatory delusions too.

I do have past life memories of the Secret Space Program and alien abductions and being a perpetually disabled, defunct, failed “super soldier” despite zero real world (tangible) evidence except ‘recall’ or delusions at night when I sleep – mostly and day light recall – sometimes…I also weaved my delusions due to distorted memories and perception that I was in the Montauk Project and the MK - Ultra Monarch Program. I don’t know why. I don’t think I was ‘trafficked’ or ‘sold’ or ‘born into’ these programs, but I do think it involves past life memories, ‘soul contracts’, and even ‘targeting’ and does seem to involve a pretty much near infinite amount of past life memories and trauma, that isn’t real to the world like my family, doctors, hospitals, and sometimes even to my self…

I developed schizophrenia from skunk weed (bad trip) in 2011 and view it as a deterministic, God thing like I was always pre-disposed or destined to become a schizophrenic person. It did traumatize me and it did feel like a ‘bad PCP trip’ or something that psychologically caused permanent damage to my brain/mind. I feel like this isn’t my first like and even believed I experienced the “Butterfly Effect”.

Furthermore, I would say I’m easily influenced by electronics, and electricity to the point where I feel like I’m being brainwashed by aliens or TV at night when sleeping even if it’s unplugged or off or disconnected since I don’t watch TV. I think I’m easily influenced and see and experience ‘invisible people’ or ‘MiB entities’ or ‘shadow people’ and thought I was being teleported or experiencing REM consciousness delusions of being at Dulce (past life) and other places and been a milab and alien abductee in the multiverse according to some quantum mechanics or some ■■■■ or a fixed, closed time-like curve or time loop or even some ‘intense philosophy’ of “eternal return/eternal recurrence, basically…”

What doesn’t help (I realized now) is reading other people’s experiences and buying into conspiracy theories (books and videos on the subject) that are similar to mine and then mixing up their stories with mine and contaminating my experiences/testimony, which nobody recognizes and is too outlandish even probably for a non schizophrenic, basically.

I believed these people and even felt a similarity or empathy towards these folks and a sense of belonging. I guess they could be viewed as a crazy too.

Basically, I have many delusions and have the irrational belief my delusions might be real or people might get mad at me or engage or believe in my delusions.

That’s all. Sorry for the long post…

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Ya, that’s quite a long post. You got a lot on your mind. I would have difficulty writing that much, just because I dont think so much anymore.

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Hey mang, it’s been a minute. Welcome back!

:blush:

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