Ever since, first, my best friend moved back down south six months ago, and then I moved back to my hometown…well close anyway, I have felt so isolated. I’m rarely if ever even dealing with symptoms anymore but I do have my demons I struggle with daily. There are people I COULD hangout with in this area, one or two, but these aren’t people I wish to spend time with. One is ten years younger than me and sort of functionally impaired in a way I am not, the other is an old high school friend who I am hesitant to reconnect with after what I’ve read of his posts on facebook.
Not that it couldn’t be much worse and hasn’t been, it has, years ago. The new clubhouse I’m helping out with is gearing up and it will be a busy week with all that stuff…open house and hopefully potential members coming in. And who knows who I’ll meet through this work, but that is so positive and healthy that it feels strange to me…alien…and I tend to live a double life in this way…positive and healthy during the clubhouse day and not so much in the evening.
Even when I was sober it was positive and healthy during the day and hanging out with drug addicts at night, though not using drugs myself…but that was where I wanted to be at night. And I know what my first order of business will be once I am socializing again…because all I want to do these days is get messed up…feel all numb and tingly inside. I have no clue where I am headed next but my good sense tells me it will probably be yet again the double life, positive and healthy during the day, pleasure seeking and self destructive at night.
But anyway, isolation, that was the topic here…I am in no way an outgoing person…I am very strange when it comes to socializing. I am social phobic and I don’t make friends easy…but I am capable of developing meaningful and lasting friendships though I’ve simply up and walked away from my fair share of those in the past. I am vulnerable in oh so many ways and I’ve been mortally wounded in the past, stuff you don’t just up and dust yourself off from.
I guess I really do miss my good friend who moved back down south six months or so ago. Guy’s a schizophrenic drug addict and never once betrayed me…sure it got scary once or twice…but he never once betrayed me in any way. I count him as a true friend.
I just wish I wasn’t so damn isolated at the moment…perhaps things may change in this respect in the coming weeks. I know I’ll probably shy away from most interaction outside the clubhouse…as I shy away from most interaction period…and I know that the nature of my current motivations are darker and more self destructive than they’d been in the past…but that is nothing new. We’ll see…I’m under no illusions and simply being honest here…
Just felt the need to talk to nobody in particular I suppose.