I'm in trouble

I don’t quite know why, I’m on the edge. I’ve had two weeks rest but been ill part of it, every time I try to drown myself in alcohol, they use the implant to stroke me with vomiting and severe vertigo to the point I couldn’t sit up. For three days I had to lay immobile, couldn’t eat, or drink to keep much down, even pills. I had to listen to their conversations, shouts and accusations but also tuning into satellites, my thoughts leaving for the world to know. I know you all know the truth but I trust you won’t go to officials as some of you have been where I am. I haven’t recovered, I have to go back to college , no reason for me to be stressed as have had two weeks off. It gets to the point I can’t keep track of time or date, despite repeatedly looking at the date on our planner on the fridge, sometimes forget who I am, because I’m trying to block my thoughts from escaping.

I’m exhausted, feel like I’m in some psychic battle, am sure they’re injecting me in my sleep as am so exhausted despite having slept enough. I know I have to study but none of it saty in. I got my lowest mark ever on my last assignment. Because I was too scared in the house to focus on my work incase they came, sat poised with a knife next to me, listening to voices. My head bounces. Ideas flow through, I’m wondering if advancing to telepathy too now, I don’t know where they’re comin from. The dimensions are back after a long time of staying quiet.

I’m terrified, I’m going to lose everything, I think they’re trying to wipe my head to use me as a channel to get to other people. I’m dying. Not well. I know I’ve replied to other threads, they took me forever to write, even this is hard, I tried doing the gratitude thread, but a few hours later I’m just suicidal, by this time of they day I’m exhausted which is why they’re drugging me. They’re up to many things. I can’t keep up with my head.

I don’t know what I want anymore, I’m failing at everything, I don’t understand anything, I don’t know how t get help. I can’t trust the new doc, I beg he’s in on all This, I’ve become exhausted since seeing him. Something terrible is going to happen.

I don’t know if I’ll make it to summer alive for the med change at this rate,
I’m hidden and sly, maybe I’ll die, it’s how I feel. I feel like I’ve tried everything and I’m going down under. I don’t know why I bother.

Sorry, I’m pathetic.

Try befriending your demons and maybe they will become less scary. Mine became docile and to some degree friendly, although it still attacks me, but I don’t find it scary.

This is the solution.

You are not pathetic.

You are very stressed about this new doc. Considering how egotistic and unhelpful the last one was… it makes sense.

I know it feels like things are spinning out of control and I wish I knew how to help. But your head will not be used as an open channel. Please talk to your Mom. I know she would want to help and keep you safe.

Being exhausted makes it worse. Let you Mom know how you are feeling so she can advocate for a female doctor or find a nurse who can just talk and again help you feel better.

Please if you are thinking suicide… please call a help line. Please reach out. As far as not knowing how to get help… start with your Mom. Talk to her… ask her to help you.

hoping you feel better soon.

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Thank you, I’m just wild right now, I feel like a live wire, I may write mum a letter, and my nurse. I don’t think suicide will happen, My mum said she’d follow, even when I fell like this I rem ever. I just feel like I have to do something. It doesn’t stop the feelings. I feel despair. They get angry when I write for help. There’s on on the drive. I don’t know what’s happening to me, I’ve not felt so wild in recent years.

I’ll try everything. But I clam up or talk nonsense. Whenever I try to talk to mum I get all weird and my true shell shows. I keep so much hidden. Explosive explosions. I will try.

I remember how much I would clam up and not want to alarm my family… get sent to hospital… have my family not let me see my sis… or any of the other things I was sure would happen if I reached out.

But I have to admit… clamming up and hiding… didn’t get me the help I needed. Then it only got worse as time went on… then I was in hospital again.

I hope the best for you. It is so hard to open up but your Mom does love you and I’m sure would want to help you feel better.

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Hang in there dante. You’ve really got to drop the delusions. Telepathy is not real. I know it can seem like it is but it is just your mind. You’ve gotta find peace and relax. If you want to believe they’re telepathic that is fine, but you gotta take comfort in the fact that they will never hurt you. People really want the best for each other. Try distracting yourself and clearing your head. What I did to get over this ■■■■ was get tired of thinking about it. Slowly backed away from letting it stress me out and in that state of mind things got easier. Its obviously not real to me anymore. That may change in a couple days if I let it, but if you want to get over it you can’t believe its real, that is how you give it power. No one can read your thoughts. You’ve got me worried, just hang in there it’ll get better. Good luck with school and recovery. Will be here if you ever want to chat.

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Thank you both, it means a lot To get caring responses, have settled for the day, I ate and had a cup of tea. I’m still feeling horrid but my evening dose is kicking in. I just became overwhelmed. Still am. I genuinely feel something terrible is going to happen, I’m not sure if its with me or others. I just don’t know. My head is bouncing and bouncing. One idea to the next. I don’t want to go to college. I don’t want to leave the house one bit. I’m trying not to give them control but I’m losing my head, I’m trying with all my will to keep control.

I’m trying, it’s the best I can do, I will go down fighting. I promise, I see my doctor and nurse in two weeks. I feel like I have to prove something, I’m very distressed but does that make me ill? I sometimes feel as if I’m making all this up? How can anyone but the dead prove that I’m ill and it’s not real? I don’t know I’m rambling.

I appreciate your replies, it brings me down From my crown a bit.
Take care,
Meg.

It’s not real. I still have to tell myself that every 10 minutes and after even the simplest interactions. I have breaks here and there where I’m not even thinking about it and that is what I’m trying to empower. The problem is the whole mess of the last two years is so mysterious and interesting. Got all the memories of schizophrenic bs that loom up. You can get better dante13 or Meg or whatever. To take J’s words were rooting for you.

Instead of trying to constantly deny the obvious, which is the personal reality that it is real, try dealing with it as a reality, and try making friends with them or gaining some kind of understanding. Things will go smoother for you.

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If I were you I’d do both. Come to peace with your symptoms but keep it in perspective.

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Hi Dante. I hope things improve for you. You do know these things come in cycles and oure likely to be hitting good ground again pretty soon. I hope you do as we appreciate having you post here on the forums.

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I wouldn’t exactly suggest befriending demons, but to, like the song says, the strength to face them…confront them, seek to understand and learn, but without falling into their traps…

Check this out…OMG, when I played the song look at the ad that popped up on it

If you look at the song in the right perspective, yes, it is definitely an answer…

2 Corinthians 4:6
For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, has shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God

(the light came out of darkness…)

Daniel 2:22 (11:11)
He reveals the deep and secret things: he knows what is in the darkness, and the light dwells with him.

1 Kings 8;12 - The LORD said that he would dwell in the thick darkness.

Ok, now that’s clarified, listen to the song… :slight_smile:

What has come over me
What madness taken hold of my heart
To run away, the only answer
Pulling me away
To fall upon (the night)
The source of my recovery
Sweet shadow taking hold of the light mind
Another day has been devoured
Calling me away
Begging a question
Why?

For saving me from all they’ve taken
Letting my armor fall again
Giving me the strength to face them
Feeling it taking over now
On the path to take it all away
There could be no better way of knowing

In a world beyond controlling
Are you going to deny the savior
In front of your eyes
Stare in to the night
Power beyond containing
Are you going to remain a slave
For the rest of your life
Give in to the night

This self discovery
Redemption taking hold of my mind
A serenade of haunting voices
Calling me away
To feast upon (the night)
The source of my felicity
Dark maiden taking hold of my hand
Lead me away from hibernation
Strong and unafraid
Never a question, why?

For saving me from all they’ve taken
Letting my armor fall again
Giving me the strength to face them
Feeling it taking over now
On the path to take it all away
There could be no better way of knowing

In a world beyond controlling
Are you going to deny the savior
In front of your eyes
Stare in to the night
Power beyond containing
Are you going to remain a slave
For the rest of your life
Give in to the night

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They can be both friend and foe. I am telling you guys, work on actually being friends with them. Embrace your “dark side.” You might reach to an understanding.

This is you. You are suppressing something. They are suppressing it, and you have to find a way to release it.

maybe mine is a bit more from personal experience… this -

In a world beyond controlling
Are you going to deny the savior
In front of your eyes
Stare in to the night
Power beyond containing…

Jesus revealed himself to me around midnight in an almost completely darkened room, and there in the darkness I found the savior…clarity in darkness…

I had actually been looking for and often communing with demons for some time prior to that night…

I even wrote this 12 years ago

For the Lord possessed Wisdom in the beginning of his way, before his works of old, from the beginning before the earth was created. Wisdom with the Lord and of the Lord is the light of all things by which creation is brought to being, yet in its essence, This “light” dwelt darkly, for darkness was upon the face of the deep, and the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the Waters. At that time God said “Let there be light” and there was light- yet prior there was light hidden in darkness awaiting its manifest birthing into visible/ tangible radiance ~ not just the brilliance of Starlight, and the light of energy forms, but the esoteric brilliance of the light of God’s Wisdom, unfolding itself, spreading through every corner of the creation, indeed, without this " dark light" would nothing be, for it is by this light which God hold all things physical and spiritual together.

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These entities will be with you until the day you die. All I am saying is if you can make friends with them you should consider it.

Your like a character out of a Philip k dick novel.

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I feel for you @Dante13. You want to succeed at school, but your symptoms and stress are getting in the way. You are not pathetic. I would suggest you go to the Disability Services on campus. They can make accommodations for you. I hope you succeed in all your endeavors. Peace Out. .

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Dear Dante,

      I had the kind of trouble you describe in my twenties.   I'm in my sixties now; things are a lot better.

Jayster

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