Schizophrenia.com

Wanting to give up

DX'd - Other
#1

I can’t keep doing this… I know my death is inevitable at this point. My bad days are getting worse. And my good days are sparse… even still they don’t last all day.

I am getting help when I can afford visits. I am medicated. Yet nothing seems to be helping. I am loosing hope. I know there is no cure for this… and I am not even sure if I have Schizophrenia… the meds don’t seem to be working… there are so many stories on these forums of people finding the right med and being able to manage… I have over the course of my treatment tried many of the 2nd generation and 1st generation meds. Perhaps I can’t be “managed” perhaps there is nothing out there that is going to fix me… perhaps they don’t know what is wrong. I feel like a lost cause.

What happens to someone who is not treatable with meds?

7/10/2014
8:00am - Took meds

8:31am - I feel like I need to cut really bad… I have the itches in my arm and they are very strong. I am so ashamed that the last cuts were little baby scratches and not deep, they barley bled and that pisses me off. Next time I hope they are deeper. I feel like I should die. I feel hate for myself.

11:35am - Robert and I are about to leave for lunch. I have the itch again. The voices are whispering cut…cut…cut

2:04pm - I have the itch again. The voices are talking about suicide. Cut… cut… cut… I drew a picture to help calm down. The result is terrifying… I drew another… more razors… it is all i can think about… trying to programm again.

2:27pm - arguing with myself… they want me to cut… i am trying to distract my thoughts and tell myself that i don’t want to.

3:14pm the king wants me to cut. he is displeased that Katie will be there when i get out of work to stop me. Frank says if i can get the spiders out of my body the king won’t be able to watch me anymore and I won’t have to cut.

4:34pm they are showing me images of things to cut with… the king is displeased with me. He is angry about Katie waiting for me. Frank continues to convince me that I need to hide from the king by removing the spiders that are spying on me.

7/11/2014
8:00am - took meds

8:35am - The spider king has spiders all in my body that spy on me and report back to him. He wants me to kill myself and when i refuse he makes me sick and torments me with wounds that don’t bleed… lashes all over my body that never appear. Frank wants me to cut the spiders out of my body so the king can’t see me any more. He is trying to protect me but K had hid all the things that I need to successfully do this. So I am at work trying to concentrate and make these 9 hours go by as fast as possible killing any spiders I see. I am so sore… my back and legs are burning from being struck and I keep telling Frank I can’t cut them out at work because I will get blood all over my cardigan. I took all my meds but they don’t seem to be doing anything.

I just want this to go away.

8:59am - I really need to cut… I am seeing spiders everywhere. Trying to keep myself positive and think about the weekend. I just have to make it 8 more hours.

10:30am - suicidal… i really want the torment to stop… talking to Robert about wanting to be an illustrator or graphic designer… topic changed to what jobs i couldn’t have because of my cutting… he wanted to know why I felt i needed to do it. After explaining the king got mad and started tormenting me again. If i ignore him he punishes me and makes me miserable… if i comply with his demands I will die… if i push through the torment someday i may give in and die… all roads seem to lead to death… i don’t have hope that anything will cure me… death is starting to sound good.

3:19pm - I
have a heartbee
in my lunghs
and i can feel its wings slapping my lung walls
and it ticklnes
sting me…
would be bad
I COULD DIE
and it is simple
simple enough
that pie
is inside
of the dishes
see
i love you
like yogurt
but not bees
the shading is wrong
on the side of the light
because of the bees
CAN"T
they buzz too loud
it tickles
my heart
my HEART stinger
STINGER
st…
stop
;lkasdjf;lkjasdlk;fjaskldfj

This is why I have been cutting. When I am having a good day I realize these are delusions and hallucinations behind why I am cutting… when I am having a bad day… i don’t know what is real and I end up severely hurting myself if left alone. Lately… the past month or so… what started as scratches has turned into wounds deep enough to see fat… and the feeling that I need to preform a specific set of actions that will lead to my certain death if left undisturbed for just a hour. If they can get me to cut when every bone in my body doesn’t want to… then I fear the more fatal outcome is unavoidable.

I am seeking help. I am medicated. So far though… nothing has worked.

#2

@sasha I am real sorry that you are going thorough a really rough time - it is vital that you communicate everything to your doctor, especially during this time. If you dont think the meds that you are on are working or are worsening your condition - contact him immediately and tell him or her how you are doing and feeling so this way he can properly treat you with maybe an adjusted dose or some new meds. Therapy can help with the cutting - DBT is a good proven type of therapy for self harming and impulsive behavior. Right now it seems like you need some medication intervention first. Both medications and therapy might be beneficial to you. Just dont lose sight of hope and keep pushing forward - and please continue to communicate with your doctor - Hang in there

5 Likes
#3

I don’t know when my next visit is. But i will call her later this afternoon and see about the meds. I am too dizzy right now to think straight.

1 Like
#4

sasha, you need to hand yourself in to the hospital…suicide is a mistake, I know…I tried twice…don’t think negative thoughts sasha…think about going in to the hospital…they can help you with all your thoughts…please sacha…you don’t deserve all this pain and angst…

3 Likes
#5

I’m really worried about you. This is your most concerning post. Please call your doctor. The meds take some time to work. It also takes time to find the right meds. Are you more suicidal since your antidepressant was increased? That’s a possible side effect. Please call your doctor and be honest. Remember you are in control. They’re just voices, they can not hurt you. There’s nothing living inside your body. I know it’s hard to believe this. A couple years back I was convinced there were snakes in my stomach. I even had memories of them slithering down my throat while I slept. I wanted to take puppy dewormer to get rid of them. This really concerned my therapist and doctors. I went to the hospital and even though they did an ultrasound, my doctor was concerned something physical was going on and that was why I had that delusion, I believed they didn’t scan the right area to see the snakes. It gets better, I promise. Don’t lose hope! :sunny:

2 Likes
#6

I will call her later today. I am so scared that they are going to lock me up. I really don’t want to go to the hospital. I would rather die.

#7

Don’t give up Sasha. You’ve got such great talents and that should encourage you to go on. It is a struggle to get the right meds and even if they are working to some extend the paranoia and delusions do creep in at times for me. I’m very scared that my meds will fail on me and that I’ll have a relapse. There is anti psychotics available for treatment resistant schizophrenia from what I’ve heard but I don’t know the detail. Hang in there until you can get to your pdoc. Sz is a b@st@rd but life is too precious to give it all up. You are not alone in this.

3 Likes
#8

The hospital really isn’t that bad. I’ve been in and out of them since I was 13. Think of it like a vacation. And you might die if you don’t go! I used to cut too and it’s so easy to cut too deep or get an infection. Please be honest with your doctor. Hang in there! :sunny:

2 Likes
#9

@sasha
I am so sorry you are suffering this much. I know you don’t want to go to the hospital, I know the thought of it is scary. But walking in under your own power is much better then being drug in under restraints. Please also be open with K. She loves you. “protecting” her from this battle doesn’t help either of you. I’m sure she would want to be there for you… help you over come this. Let her help you too.

Your fighting off suicide, your fighting for your life. It’s the hardest struggle ever. The hospital can help you. I admit, I hated it at first, but it did help me. It gave me tools to cope, and a safe place. I’m very worried for you. I do hope you keep talking to your doc, and to K.

I really am rooting for you.

2 Likes
#10

I do talk to Katie but there is little she can do. She is very supportive and is trying to keep me out of the hospital too… but we both realize it is coming to that poine…

I really don’t want to be committed though… there is a part of me that would rather die…

so much of a struggle inside…

One side says I am fine, the pills are poisonous and I should get away from all of these people trying to “help” me who just don’t understand

and the other side says… i am sick and I need help FAST before things get worse and I end up 6ft under.

#11

Hi Sasha, I’m sorry to hear you are struggling so much. If I were in your position, I would take myself to the hospital, because it is there that they can stabilise you. Its not scary place, it’s a place of rest. I went there six times (when I wasn’t even as ill as you are) and they always managed to help me if I stayed long enough. Its for the best, because you are in danger of killing yourself, and I wouldn’t want that to happen, because you are a special person.

3 Likes
#12

Am I really that sick? I don’t want to commit suicide… They are going to kill me though. Want me to kill … they want me to kill my arms… and no … no no no… a;lsdjfl;kajsd;lkfjas;ldkfj

#13

I’m really proud of you for realizing that your coming to that critical point. I know it’s scary, but like I said, walking in under your own power will make it easier. It will make it a lot less scary. You’ll be there by slightly more choice and not by someone else’s force.

The side that says the pill are poison and the people trying to help are dangerous… that is the paranoia, that is the persona inside that is trying to destroy. It’s hard to trust people right now. I understand that. Please try. Please don’t end up dead. Please ask K to call an emergency number.

There is no shame in getting some extra help with this. I understand your not trying to commit suicide, but you are trying not to slash your arms open. If you hit a vain by accident, rip through a tendon… your going to end up in hospital anyway.

Sorry to sound so cold about that. I really do want you to beat this and be Ok.

1 Like
#14

I am at work right now… finish work. muyst fuinish work. Money for bobs and the billy bobs BOBs… bike… i don’t know

#15

I think if there is a monster inside of you trying to destroy you, then it’s time to get help, because it sounds like the monster called psychosis is trying to rip you apart. I had that monster, too, and he still lurks in the background, but he’s under control, he’s just intrusive thoughts in the back of my head, which I can push away.
But it sounds as if your monster is threatening to go from your thoughts to influence your actions, and it’s best to try and stop him before he does a lot of harm. Please don’t give up and let him win!

3 Likes
#16

Naruto has kyuubi in his body a nine tailed monster… my nine tails is getting out of the cage he is in and threatinging to kill me i think… right?

The monster behind the cage in my body:

Me holding it back

but it is taking me over

And this is how i feel now

#17

sorry sasha, i want to give up too. life is suffering.

1 Like
#18

hug I am sorry. Sorry.

#19

i want to slit my wrists and bleed out. the voices are telling me to kill myself. everyday is exactly the same.
wake up, pills, eat, sit around on the internet, play a video game if i feel like it, and repeat.

if i had some pills that were OD worthy i’d take em.

i’m sorry too sasha.

1 Like
#20

I feel the they… a scars …same…