I can’t keep doing this… I know my death is inevitable at this point. My bad days are getting worse. And my good days are sparse… even still they don’t last all day.
I am getting help when I can afford visits. I am medicated. Yet nothing seems to be helping. I am loosing hope. I know there is no cure for this… and I am not even sure if I have Schizophrenia… the meds don’t seem to be working… there are so many stories on these forums of people finding the right med and being able to manage… I have over the course of my treatment tried many of the 2nd generation and 1st generation meds. Perhaps I can’t be “managed” perhaps there is nothing out there that is going to fix me… perhaps they don’t know what is wrong. I feel like a lost cause.
What happens to someone who is not treatable with meds?
8:00am - Took meds
8:31am - I feel like I need to cut really bad… I have the itches in my arm and they are very strong. I am so ashamed that the last cuts were little baby scratches and not deep, they barley bled and that pisses me off. Next time I hope they are deeper. I feel like I should die. I feel hate for myself.
11:35am - Robert and I are about to leave for lunch. I have the itch again. The voices are whispering cut…cut…cut
2:04pm - I have the itch again. The voices are talking about suicide. Cut… cut… cut… I drew a picture to help calm down. The result is terrifying… I drew another… more razors… it is all i can think about… trying to programm again.
2:27pm - arguing with myself… they want me to cut… i am trying to distract my thoughts and tell myself that i don’t want to.
3:14pm the king wants me to cut. he is displeased that Katie will be there when i get out of work to stop me. Frank says if i can get the spiders out of my body the king won’t be able to watch me anymore and I won’t have to cut.
4:34pm they are showing me images of things to cut with… the king is displeased with me. He is angry about Katie waiting for me. Frank continues to convince me that I need to hide from the king by removing the spiders that are spying on me.
8:00am - took meds
8:35am - The spider king has spiders all in my body that spy on me and report back to him. He wants me to kill myself and when i refuse he makes me sick and torments me with wounds that don’t bleed… lashes all over my body that never appear. Frank wants me to cut the spiders out of my body so the king can’t see me any more. He is trying to protect me but K had hid all the things that I need to successfully do this. So I am at work trying to concentrate and make these 9 hours go by as fast as possible killing any spiders I see. I am so sore… my back and legs are burning from being struck and I keep telling Frank I can’t cut them out at work because I will get blood all over my cardigan. I took all my meds but they don’t seem to be doing anything.
I just want this to go away.
8:59am - I really need to cut… I am seeing spiders everywhere. Trying to keep myself positive and think about the weekend. I just have to make it 8 more hours.
10:30am - suicidal… i really want the torment to stop… talking to Robert about wanting to be an illustrator or graphic designer… topic changed to what jobs i couldn’t have because of my cutting… he wanted to know why I felt i needed to do it. After explaining the king got mad and started tormenting me again. If i ignore him he punishes me and makes me miserable… if i comply with his demands I will die… if i push through the torment someday i may give in and die… all roads seem to lead to death… i don’t have hope that anything will cure me… death is starting to sound good.
3:19pm - I
have a heartbee
in my lunghs
and i can feel its wings slapping my lung walls
and it ticklnes
would be bad
I COULD DIE
and it is simple
of the dishes
i love you
but not bees
the shading is wrong
on the side of the light
because of the bees
they buzz too loud
my HEART stinger
This is why I have been cutting. When I am having a good day I realize these are delusions and hallucinations behind why I am cutting… when I am having a bad day… i don’t know what is real and I end up severely hurting myself if left alone. Lately… the past month or so… what started as scratches has turned into wounds deep enough to see fat… and the feeling that I need to preform a specific set of actions that will lead to my certain death if left undisturbed for just a hour. If they can get me to cut when every bone in my body doesn’t want to… then I fear the more fatal outcome is unavoidable.
I am seeking help. I am medicated. So far though… nothing has worked.