Schizophrenia.com

Command Hallucinations? [WARNING: TRIGGER]

I would like someone to help me stop this somehow. Or at least explain why and what I can do to control it.

I have been struggling with self harm lately. I am not depressed, I don’t have any desire to kill myself, I don’t even really want to cut or harm myself. I just feel like I need to. Let me explain:

Periodically throughout the day I will get this … feeling… that comes over me like a wave so to speak… starting at my head and running down my arms to my wrists which make my wrists burn or tingle. I then get images… kinda like flashbacks but I have not preformed these acts before… the arm and hands in the “images/flashbacks” look like my arms and hands preforming self harm acts on my wrists. Following that image i find myself looking at my wrists and having a strong desire to do what I just saw… i then look around for objects near me that would accomplish this task. Then I try to focus on something else, shake my head, think about something else. This will happen many times throughout the day, after awhile this process includes a voice or thought saying “cut, cut, cut,” or making sounds like “snip snip snip”. Sometimes when i look at my wrists i see blood coming from no wound dripping down my arms.

I don’t know what these are and I don’t know how to keep them from happening. I have tried drawing circles over and over on a piece of paper, and other methods of temporarily distracting myself but the desires always come back. When these “episodes” are not happening I have no desire to hurt myself. And like I said previously I have no desire to die. I know that these images I am having of self harm are not in areas that would cause me to bleed out. The veins in that area are superficial and are not the two major arteries in that area. So if they are not wanting me to die what are they wanting me to do? I don’t want a collection of scars that I have to hide or be embarrassed of. I have plenty already. I don’t know what the point of this is.

Does anyone else experience this? Is this a command hallucination? Is this something else? What does it mean? How can I stop it?

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.

I can’t recall anything specific. This … “episode” or sensation seems to happen randomly and without cause.

@sasha

This is a bit personal, and I’m not SZ, but my brother is. That is how I came by these forums. I usually post in the family section. I’m sorry if this is presumptuous of me. It’s not my intention to trigger or cross a line, so apologies in advance.

I don’t have the hallucination, but I do get the urge. I’ve been coming to realize it’s a part of my stress and anxiety attack. The wave that washes over me is out of the blue and sometimes it’s post event; sort of like a post trauma.

Example: I’ve had the worst day at work, the most toxic argument with a parent, and I just don’t feel like I can catch up, catch my breath, and it all wants out. It’s sheer frustration and internal screaming that overwhelms me. There is a pinch of anger mixed in there with a big dose of feeling like I just don’t measure up.

I used to never cry over anything. I also used to always be the sunny kid or the strong one. As my Dad would say, “The kid we don’t have to worry about”

My other siblings are trying so hard to heal in life, they all have some serious things happening in life and health. I never wanted to be the kid who also needed help. Yet another burden on my parents resources. So I was and still am sunny and optimistic. But then it hits me and after a series of hard stress days, I find myself with an Exacto knife in my hand.

For me, it is stress and the inability to process that stress effectively. I’m not cutting deep enough to bleed out. I’m mostly aiming for ankles and shoulders. I even carved designs into myself so not to alert anyone. Most cutting isn’t artistic. But when all was said and done my brother called a spade a spade and said I was still picking up a knife and carving in.

I’ve been fighting off other problems too, but this is now getting addressed. Some days are better then others. I’m learning how to walk away from that stress or balance with more alone time, or go for a run a swim or I draw something gruesome in red ink and burn it. I’m not depressed, I’m not trying to bleed out, but I do admit I don’t really know how to positively process anger or stress and that is when I find myself in this situation.

Thank you for letting me post.

3 Likes

Thank you for sharing that, I really appreciate seeing another perspective on this from someone who is not suicidal.

I don’t know for sure why i feel this way. I don’t spend a whole lot of time thinking about my stresses lately… yesterday when this feeling came over me a friend was driving and I was simply looking out the window at the trees and birds as we passed by. I love nature and animals so this is something that calms me. It makes no sense that in my little bit of serenity that these feelings would come up.

All i can say for sure is in the past few months the frequency that I have these thoughts is more and more. The only thing that can keep me from doing it (unless i just get overwhelmed which occasionally happens) is the thought that it destroys my fiancee K when she sees it. She use to cut to deal with stress and pain in high school but no longer does so it triggers her to see it and she loves me and doesn’t want to see me hurting myself. I get that and I don’t want to see her sad so i don’t want to do these things… I hate it when it happens… but I keep getting cuts and scars. I can’t say that I am not in control when it happens… well i can’t say that I am not aware anyways… i am aware when the harm happens but unable to stop myself.

It hits me sometimes when I’m at home in front of my brothers fish tank enjoying the puffer fish.

It feels like, at work I’m tense and my focus is 100% the job, 100% school, 100% what I’m doing at the moment and every muscle is ready for a car crash. I’m ready to jump into action. Then when I get home and start to relax, then the emotions hit me, and then I’m sort of decompressing and then I get upset. As the adrenaline of stress fades the urge hits me.

This isn’t how everyone handles this situation, but my brother who I live with; bless him, can get into very extreme modes. He gave ALL our knives to our neighbor for safe keeping. I have to go to the neighbors apartment if I want to borrow anything sharper then a dinner knife. Not how most people would do it I admit. But my brother is an original.

K has locked up and hidden every sharp object in the house, and I am not allowed to have under-wire bras or glasses and she filed down my keys… And I try to keep my fingernails trimmed. But i keep managing to find ways to do it.

Looks like command hallucinations, false memories, intrusive thoughts, visual hallucinations, tactile hallucinations, but I didnt see any paranoia or other voices mentioned. I think your case is full of positive symptoms, which is VERY TREATABLE, VIRTUALLY CURABLE.

I had strong positive symptoms and relatively low negative symptoms. Meds have made my life turn around and move in the other direction. I have been over my past, I engaged in self harm, did attempt suicide once, was drinking like a raging alcoholic, and did well in school the whole time, I had a 3.5 at the end of my freshman year of college. I got on meds and now I have a 3.9 and dont have more than say one or two drinks per weekend, only socially, far from the old fifth every night, and I am training for a powerlifting competition later this year, and I already am doing quite well and am going to get the rank I want by November.

You seriously need to take medication. You really need it, I dont mean to be rude but you will not get better unless you take medication. I would know, I refused medication for a year after being given Psychosis NOS and it resulted in a year long visit to hell. I take my antipsychotic twice a day with a complete meal, like the doctor said to, and it works. It makes my legs restless, so I take two more meds for restlessness and anxiety, separate problems from schizophrenia. The result is a new life and a new Maurice.

I want to see you become a new Sasha. I really love your posts and your attitude, I want to see you beat this. Insurance will cover your meds, if you really want to be like me, ask for Geodon twice a day. You might run into side effects like mine, which they make meds for, or other side effects, but Geodon has a reputation for being less sedating and causing less weight gain than most other drugs, save for Latuda, which is very new but has a bad rep for causing miserable restless legs. You could take Latuda and also take a ton of beta blocker and a benzo if you like it but it gives you restless legs.

But do know one thing- this probably wont stop for good unless you religiously take medications. Episodes come and go for some people, for me I was batshit or diarrhea batshit, dysfunctional and requiring care from my parents or able to function but behave strangely and antisocially, and I was never “okay” before medication.

I think your life will get better if you take the leap of faith and try out a few meds, you never know if you dont go, so please try them. You have a job, (better than most), a fiance (way better than most) and hobbies that are cathartic and nourishing to your emotions (I identify with that), if only you were on meds, you would have a charmed life. I really want to see that happen. Again, private message me if you have questions, I know a fair amount as a psych major and someone pretty far in recovery. I may talk about weightlifting and college all of the time on here but I am on here because I used to be super diarrhea batshit all over the fancy stuff in Batman’s batcave.

2 Likes

Bear with me. Typing on phone is hard for me. My daughter used to self harm. I have followed a lot of people on tumblr that do. One thing is that it is addicting. You can start doing for a reason and then the act itself becomes the reason.

I don’t know anything about command hallucinations however what you are describing seems like hallucinations to me as well as voices and they are not trying to help you.

I know that you are seeking some help however I think you need to be more open with them about what you are experiencing. If not than it seems like you may be putting band aids on something that needs stitches if that makes sense.

You have some wonderful gifts and I fear that if you keep going this way then these gifts will be lost to this world.

You can’t do this alone and that is ok.

4 Likes

@BarbieBF @mortimermouse

In order to get put on anti-psychotics again… i need to be honest with this new doctor about this stuff. She is under the impression that I have things under control and I am living unmediated successfully. I am so scared that if i open up to her about what is REALLY going on… that they will lock me up. And if that happens I will loose my house, car, K doesn’t have the means to cover me if i needed treatment. I have to keep working. I don’t know what to do.

you wont get locked up. I reported similar things to an evaluator and he just told me to get on meds. Trust me, hospitalization is for people with mental illnesses who are having a worse time than you. Doctors want what is best for you, and with your level of functioning you will not be locked up :smiley:

2 Likes

From what I have seen I don’t think you will get locked up. Do you have a voice making you believe this?

I will be blunt. Get help so that you can continue to be there for k.

3 Likes

I don’t know … I just know it is going to happen. Last time I was in the dr’s office i could hear them talking about me, I could hear what they were thinking. They are suspicious that I might not be normal and they contemplate locking me up. I have to act normal and … I have to handle this on my own … i got drugs for anxiety and depression, i need something for focus so i can keep doing my job… but i can’t let them know what I really … they wouldn’t believe me anyways… nobody ever does.

wrong. Just incorrect. They will listen, they are on your side. I know that is hard to fathom, but trust me on that.

2 Likes

I have a similar issue. For me it is the urge to cope with things and my coping skills have been bad as of late. I just want to make the pain go away. Makes no sense to cause myself more pain in order to deal with pain. I do though.
I agree though with what I have read. Someone recently told me to try cutting apples every time i feel that urge. I have been cutting a lot of apples.
I don’t always hear a “command” to do it but the urge is there. Just a quick cut and everything will be fine.
I have opened up to my therapist about it. I had the same fear. We talked through it and decided that I should try cutting apples or painting or writing… anything to get my mind off of it. So far, it is working. I have my inner strength in order. My coping skills are making it easier to get through the day.
Sometimes it’s just good to hear it from someone else that this happens and its going to be okay.

Blessed be

3 Likes

sasha, u really need tot alk to the dr about ur fears. they r there to help. they will not lock u up at all but u really need help. u need medication and badly. please get help xxx

5 Likes

Cutting is the proof that all isn’t as well as it looks.
It’s found on very strong, fiercely independent people who are used to putting their needs last, after everyone else gets taken care of, and even then, we tend to minimize the need, but the want still conflicts.
A wound needs care…self care works, so does knowing you don’t have to hold the world on your shoulders by yourself.
It’s okay to be a bit needy…it’s okay to be human too.

3 Likes

You were able to tell all of that about me by just this post? Am I that transparent? Does that mean the doctor knows too? What is wrong with me?

I can identify with your post from my experience. You’re not transparent, but you are human. I’ve learned that my mind goes haywire when conflicted.
I want to be that super strong person that needs no assistance, but the conflicts begins when I doubt my ability and the harder I try to put on that “normal suit and mask” and show everybody I’m fine, the quicker I start to unravel.
I should mention this mostly happens when there are some major changes/stressors in my life that seem all to much to handle. In the end, everything went better than I gave myself credit for.

4 Likes

Thank you =) “… it takes one to know one…”

2 Likes