“get out of bed”… “come here”… I wake up and see sarah standing next to my bed… “come with me i need to show you something” I leave the bed and follow her to the bathroom… “it eats them” … she points to the toilet… frogs again…jumping out of the toilet… I rub my eyes… they are still there… i sit to use the restroom… slimy things touch me… I feel disgusted… i go back to bed…
my alarm goes off… “hurry you are late”… i grab my watch… it is my normal alarm, I have plenty of time… “they are watching”… “you are so slow” … “shes going to pick the same shirt again” … i grab the shirt on the floor next to the bed and start to get ready… voices continue… .hallucinations…
I kiss Katie goodbye and leave for work… I grab my keys and start my car… “the children are awake”… I look in the rearview camera and start to back up… a child appears in the camera… I slam on my breaks… she dissapears… I take a deep breath and continue to back out and on my way… as i reach the main road the voices continue to torment me… I am scanning the cars that pass for cops… “they know”… “they are going to take you away”… I spot a cop two cars back in my rear view… “hes coming”… the car moves into the left lane beside me and accelerates twoards my car… I continue to follow his movements… he comes up on my left and dissapears… a red car drives past me… as i continue to drive to work I will hallucinate many more cars as cop cars. the voices will point them out… and they will mostly be white cars or trucks, or hallucinations… I play my game of trying to change the color of the cars in front of me while I drive to focus…
I enter a large room that smells of coffee, in the center of this room is a grid like arrangement of cubicals, 4 to a row, 8 rows total. On the outside walls of this room are a collection of offices occupied by the people who have power over those in the center. In front of me I see the 8th row. I make a left and walk alongside the rows seeking the last row in this collection while averting my gaze in hopes that I will remain a ghost to those who occupy the rows I pass. My cubical is the last of this row, I am situated in such a way that my back is to the hallway opposite the door I entered. This will be my prison for the next 9 hours. My chair has no padding remaining, this will cause me to shift around in my seat multiple times throughout the day in search of comfort that I will never find. There are two monitors positioned in front of me both below eye level, I will stare at these during my time here not leaving my desk until 5pm. It feels like there is a hot iron pressed against the skin on my right forearm, i grab my hoodie sleeve and slowly roll it up to expose my skin. The fingernail sized pits in my arm are hot to the touch and covered with dried blood, a wound suffered during one of my recent moments of weakness. My wrists touch the cold table and I start to open the applications I will be using today… one by one the programs load filling both of my screens with code and information. I divert my attention to footsteps behind me… they are drawing nearer to my desk… my heart starts to race… “they are coming to get you”… “they know”… the footsteps pass my desk and continue on. I am here before my co-workers as I always am, always on time. I look back to my monitor and find my todo list. As i read the items scheduled for today i find myself having to re-read entries multiple times to understand what they mean, I wrote these yesterday, I should remember what they were. I check the schizophrenia.com forums. I load my email. “they don’t want you here” “don’t talk to them”… I close the windows and turn back to work. “he is going to fire you”… “you are worthless”… the voices are not letting up today, i find it hard to focus… as the day goes on I see images of past trauma, the rape, my dad assaulting my mother and I, hospital visits … “they know… they all know”… I wonder how many people can tell that I am different… I wonder if I am blending in today, maybe I should smile more… when is it appropriate to smile… i give up these will only make me stand out more… “they all hate you” … “they know”… “you should quit”… “they are going to fire you, they are just looking for a reason”… I hear footsteps again… papers shuffle… liquid is being poured in the office behind me… coffee creamer for the coffee… papers shuffle, keys are pressed… “they know”… “they all hate you”… the footsteps get closer… “cover it they will see” … “they are going to take you away”… I cover the wound on my arm… the footsteps pass by my desk…
Visual hallucinations, voices, anxiety, paranoia… these things continue till lunch…
I am loosing my grip on reality, my friend sarah wore that stupid mask to work again… I am thankful nobody can see him… the voices continue… my skin starts to crawl again… i hate this feeling the most… i feel like I want to run out of my skin and scream, i start to scratch again to peel the skin away… Katies Voice:“Don’t hurt yourself”–“it will get infected again”… i stop scratching… my skin is moving faster now… god I want out… please get me out of here… I stand up out of my chair sweating… “they see you” … “they know”… I look around… my coworkers are not paying attention… I grab some water and sit back down…
This is a sample of how today has went so far… I feel like I am loosing my grip on reality and I am very stressed. I don’t know what anyone can do about any of this save for telling me to get on meds… I am looking for a local shrink…