Sometimes, I think about leaving

DX'd - Other
1

My husband has no respect for me; Just as none seem to.

I seem to have only two schedules that do no good for me – as if I can’t grasp normalization. I will either stay up all night and all day long, getting only a three hour “nap”, or I go to bed at 2 in the morning, only to wake up at 6 am to begin the day.

I always start the late night hours or early morning hours off with submitting various job applications that range from the amount of 10 to 25. When my husband decides to wake up after a full night’s rest, we go upstairs to make lunch where I help him cook. I set out any pans or utensils he needs, set out foods that he cooks with, set out the plates, bowls, cups, or silverware that is needed, pour all four of us drinks while we wait for the food to cook, and feed the baby in the mean time. All he has to do is merely cook the food, itself, while I handle helping him cook, clean the kitchen, wash the dishes, take out the trash, do the laundry, feed and change the baby, set up all the appointments, work on potty training our three year old, clean the house (which is three rooms, two bathrooms, and a garage), while finding time to get a full time job and somehow fit in studying for my college exams, homework and course-work readings.

In addition to those things, I have to spend a few hours reading or teaching my three and five year old counting, spelling, and reading. On the weekends, I have to clean up after nearly eight to ten adults (My husband’s friends) that I have never seen even so much as make an offer to help me. All of this, crammed into 24 hours.

I sleep little and eat little. I bring in (pay for) the food while no one else does, while I clean after four adults and three children (On a daily basis). Everyone else refuses to assist me and when I ask for the help, they merely claim that I am just looking for something to bitch about because I’m apparently too stupid to do housework on my own.

Yesterday, I woke up at four in the morning and filled out various job applications (25 of them). After that, I went upstairs and cleaned the kitchen, washed the dishes, and took out the trash. When he woke up, we made lunch and I cleaned the kitchen again. When we went downstairs, I did three hours worth of homework and managed to feed the baby in the midst of it. By late night, we made dinner and after, I wanted to lay down for my nap since I knew I’d be up all night again. Everyone decides that its a time to be obnoxious and loud – waking me up after falling asleep for 15 minutes.

I get up and here comes the demands that I clean the house again, as if the first few times wasn’t clean enough. I get irritated and mention to my husband the ways in which our marriage is so uneven. When he’s woken up from his sleep, all hell breaks loose. When I’m woken up, I’m told to “man up and shut up”. When he gets pissed off, he expects my comfort and understanding. When I’m pissed off, I’m just being a bitch. When he wants to spend all day long playing video games, then I sit and watch him play video games. When I want to go to the goodwill to buy a pair of pants that may fit me (I only have one pair), I have to wait until he “feels” like it (Last time, I had to wait over two weeks to get one pair that cost $3.00). When he wants to spend a night up at the bar and I don’t want to go – we go anyways. When I want to go on a date night with only him and I, then does he claim we don’t “have the money” and we don’t go anyways.

Last night I napped on the couch away from him; I was incredibly pissed. This morning I try to lighten the mood by joking with him, he snaps at me and it puts us in an argument where he just told me that I claim to do a lot of things that he never sees me do.

I’ve considered putting hidden camera’s around the house so I can play it back for him to witness how much of an ass he is becoming, but from what I’ve learned in one of my college courses – recording someone without their consent is illegal.

I’m overwhelmed and with having Schizophrenia as I do, I’ve tried to be as “normal” as I can for these people (including my husband) and the only thing its ever done for me is put me in the hospital a year ago for attempting suicide. I have a feeling that its going to be the same again if I don’t consider leaving. The only issue with this is: I have no family and friends. If I go, I can’t take my boys so I’ll probably lose them. The shelter here is overflowing with people and I’d probably have to live on the street.

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Sounds like a tough situation and by no means does it sound like he is contributing his fair share. If there wasn’t children involved I would probably recommend leaving as you seem quit capable of taking care of yourself. I don’t know what advise to give. I would be temped to not clean or pick up after him or his friends however that means a messy home for you and your children.

I’m not sure that making recordings of your own home is illegal. However I don’t know for sure.

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I’m not so much as wanting respect as much as I’d like to occasionally have the help or balance of things that need to be done on a day to day basis. I’m not the only one that should have all responsibilities - he should share them, I feel.

I’m unable to ask him for help, however, which is where the lack of respect plays a part.

It’s been this way for well over a year, but I am now at the over-spoken “breaking point”. I’ve had various people tell me that one of the reasons why he responds to my asking for help the way he does is because I’ve allowed him to so now - he expects that if he responds negatively to me, I’ll just somehow manage to cope and do it on my own, anyways. This is coming from people that have actually known him longer than I have.

I’m not worried about social status - I’m worried about having a husband that treats me like ■■■■. Annd, here is where leaving is a considerable thought.

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I’ve tried that method before of refusing to do anything - doesn’t work. It actually got me temporarily removed from my home. He was just fine with letting it get out of hand.

I don’t even know what to do for sure, but I suppose this is where I’ll go have a cigarette and ponder solutions that benefit myself and my boys, rather than situations that seem to suit him and the other two adult that I seem to have to take care of.

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all I know is that it takes guts and courage to leave a relationship that isn’t working for you the question is this
will you just end up resenting him?

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This is a very good question.

For the moment, even while I find myself overwhelmed and exhausted (physically and mentally), I don’t have resentment or hatred for him, however, I do know of relationships that can end in such a way. I don’t want it to end that way (and a part of me doesn’t want the relationship to end at all), though, I am just at a loss for how to make changes that will be beneficial.

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My apologies that you’ve had to go through similar situations to this; It is so taxing on one’s mental capacity.

I wish the economy would repair itself in better ways than it is. Especially living in the location that I do - everything is much more expensive than it is in my home town (I don’t live in my home town anymore).

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I recommend a divorce. Throw the bum out. Get all the evidence you can of how badly your husband is using you, because, if you go to divorce court, and your husband gets a sharp divorce attorney, you might be amazed at how badly things can get twisted. Be diligent, be meticulous. Get everything you can out of the jerk.

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unit invalid I hope you find the right thing to do for yourself sending hugsx

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I cant say what to do about your husband, but here is what you might do for YOU! Trying to find a fulltime job, go to school, raise children, clean a full house is way too much for one person! I guess something needs to be dropped--and thats where you decide.*
Unless you have to for financial reasons-I would not work.
You have to take care of yourself and your kids.
You dont have to help your husband get breakfast together and you dont need a bunch of partying friends around.
Sorry if I sound angry—your story struck a nerve…but its all true....you have to decide what you will do. I would not leave right away. Try to make the changes for yourself first. If he cant go along with it-then you could make a decision.
Good luck!!
*

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I don’t know the history or details but why do you let this leach treat you like a doormat?

You do have to be careful as my husband’s favorite excuse for the failures in his life has been my sz wife! If a person is evil enough, it is possible to fight for custody and all that crap. I got separate checking accounts for my paycheck also to protect myself since at one time I believe he was planning on taking money I had saved long before I met him.

If my husband brought friends over expecting dinner, I would feed the kids first. Then you and hubbie could split something and then I would say ooo gosh could your friends go get some prepared food while I teach the kids spelling?

Then I would say you clean up the kitchen while I send out résumés. OR. Should I clean up while YOU send out résumés ?

Does he even have a job? Can’t your doctor help you stand up to this parasite?
He treats you like a doormat because he seems to be getting away with it.

Who are these other adults that are of no help, do they work?

15

I spent some time away before coming back to reply to everyone’s responses on my post.

After exploding on here the way that I had, I spent a few days avoiding my husband and simply spending the days composing myself to better evaluate how to approach this situation. After those few days passed, he finally caught on and we had a serious conversation. It didn’t go so well at first, but eventually, he simmered down (as did I) and it went reasonably better.

Since then, he has teamed up with me when he sees I’m cleaning the kitchen, doing the laundry, simply cleaning the house, he’s even sat down with me when I’m trying to teach our oldest how to write his numbers and alphabet, and the best part of it is… He has a job interview today. He’s excited for this job opportunity and when he told me of it, he said that he would like him working as my opportunity to concentrate on getting back into college to complete my degree(s).

From what he has told me when we had our serious conversation, there’s understandable reasons why he had felt the need to give up when it came to every day responsibilities. He told me that the pressure and cruel remarks of his mom (placed on me and on him) have begun to get to him so much, he’s even begun to realize he may have come into depression.He wanted to just give up and be the proclaimed “loser” his parents enjoy considering him to be. As someone who has depression, I do see the signs of it I had missed, but I told him that if we could both pull through to team up and work together in all things, it will lessen the depression for both of us. He agreed and we’ve been doing much better. HE… has been doing much better.

Granted, we still have our problems. Sometimes, we still bicker at each other when we’re frustrated, but lately, its been really short lived and easily mended.

The only thing I wonder is - Will it last. Can two people who are battling the same thing actually make it work?

To answer your last question, his mom and his grandma lives with us. His mom likes to tell people that she has a job when honestly, she only works one day a week for maybe three hours that one day. She’s told us that she’s close to losing her job because she can’t seem to make a single sell and the company has already told her they are preparing to fire her. She’s suppose to work five days a week for nine hours a day, but she’s always calling in or making excuses why she can’t work. They are sick of her excuses. His grandma doesn’t work. We have to care for her like we do one of our children. She has dementia that is incredibly bad. She gets checks from social security, but she spends her money on potato chips and pop-tarts (even though she has diabetes).

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Thank you Dandyinmot, I greatly appreciate your kindness.

I spent just a short while avoiding this forum out of the hopes to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Typically when I do this, I resort to educational things; Last time I did this, I was in college. I did all 9 weeks of my homework the first week of school. I just did homework all day long for five days, which is good and not. Good because all homework was done for the class. Not good because then I’m just sitting in a class bored for 9 weeks. I’m not currently in school, so I spent my day on a site called Alison.com gaining certificates.

Things are more peaceful for him and I, but it will never be peaceful for as long as his mother is living here.

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hi unit invalid sounds like your husband loves you very much to be making the change so yey! glad you communicated and sorted things out.your welcome dandydinmotx

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Thanks for the update. I’m sure things are more complicated than you can explain.

How did the mother end up with you? That must be very tough. I can’t imagine it working in many families unless the mom turnes over the cash to run a house and THEN doesnt complain about it and then thanks the both of you.

And dementia. Well that must be the toughest. Don’t know all the rules on that but can’t you control her money somehow or only make sure she buys more good food instead of snacks?
Take care!

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I strongly suggest couple’s therapy.

You’re right, he isn’t respecting you and is living in a very selfish world. You need to sit him down for a serious talk. Emphasize to him the importance of what you’re feeling. This has to be different from times you’ve “complained.”

He should be understanding that you need to be helped out with your illness. My dad gets the same way with my mom a lot of the time, criticizing her when he literally does nothing around the house, not even cook.

The first step is finding a way to get your point across, and try to go to couples therapy. If all this doesn’t get through to him, really only you can decide the choice to make. You seem to be aware of the pros and cons.

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You are right in it being more complicated than I can explain. Thank you for understanding.

In the beginning of my husband and I getting married, (When we were in the process of planning it), his mother was working a very high paying job that works in commission based sales. By time we were married, (Probably a week later), the company she worked for had gone into bankruptcy and closed down. She did alright when she was on unemployment, however, that ran out and she had to find another job - one that refused to pay her how much she was making at her previous job. This type of career choice prefers to use women that are under the age of 30 because they use physical attraction as the key to sales and success. The more “beautiful” you are for the doctors to look at, the more likely they are to buy your product so you’ll come back. You even have to host dinners with the doctors (Professional dinner - not dates, of course) just to convince them to buy from you. Well, because she is over the age of 50, the company was hesitant on even hiring her, but they did and offered her a lot less than she was previously making. Now, shes to the point where she barely tries at all because her age is causing her a loss of job opportunities. Even her degree is considered “out of date” at this point.

Today when she got here, she was talking to my husband about him going to his interview and told him that he better give it all he has because in the next month, they’ve given her warning that she will be making even less or probably be terminated because she’s not making a single sale. (Again, doctors don’t consider you arm candy then no sales…).

As for his grandma, we’re not able to control any kind of monetary contributions. His grandma had several children (I’m talking many) and one of her sons is a huge stuck up snob. He froze her account because he believed that my husband’s mom was stealing from her. (She wasn’t, by the way). Her dementia is so severe to the point that in the middle of her talking to me one night, she forgot who I was, where she lived, and that she even had children. She told me, “I thought I had children, but I guess I was never that lucky”. Five minutes before she had just finished talking to me about all of her children. It’s truly strange how it works. We have to watch her when she wants to cook something for herself. She will put something in the oven and walk away forgetting about it.