My husband has no respect for me; Just as none seem to.
I seem to have only two schedules that do no good for me – as if I can’t grasp normalization. I will either stay up all night and all day long, getting only a three hour “nap”, or I go to bed at 2 in the morning, only to wake up at 6 am to begin the day.
I always start the late night hours or early morning hours off with submitting various job applications that range from the amount of 10 to 25. When my husband decides to wake up after a full night’s rest, we go upstairs to make lunch where I help him cook. I set out any pans or utensils he needs, set out foods that he cooks with, set out the plates, bowls, cups, or silverware that is needed, pour all four of us drinks while we wait for the food to cook, and feed the baby in the mean time. All he has to do is merely cook the food, itself, while I handle helping him cook, clean the kitchen, wash the dishes, take out the trash, do the laundry, feed and change the baby, set up all the appointments, work on potty training our three year old, clean the house (which is three rooms, two bathrooms, and a garage), while finding time to get a full time job and somehow fit in studying for my college exams, homework and course-work readings.
In addition to those things, I have to spend a few hours reading or teaching my three and five year old counting, spelling, and reading. On the weekends, I have to clean up after nearly eight to ten adults (My husband’s friends) that I have never seen even so much as make an offer to help me. All of this, crammed into 24 hours.
I sleep little and eat little. I bring in (pay for) the food while no one else does, while I clean after four adults and three children (On a daily basis). Everyone else refuses to assist me and when I ask for the help, they merely claim that I am just looking for something to bitch about because I’m apparently too stupid to do housework on my own.
Yesterday, I woke up at four in the morning and filled out various job applications (25 of them). After that, I went upstairs and cleaned the kitchen, washed the dishes, and took out the trash. When he woke up, we made lunch and I cleaned the kitchen again. When we went downstairs, I did three hours worth of homework and managed to feed the baby in the midst of it. By late night, we made dinner and after, I wanted to lay down for my nap since I knew I’d be up all night again. Everyone decides that its a time to be obnoxious and loud – waking me up after falling asleep for 15 minutes.
I get up and here comes the demands that I clean the house again, as if the first few times wasn’t clean enough. I get irritated and mention to my husband the ways in which our marriage is so uneven. When he’s woken up from his sleep, all hell breaks loose. When I’m woken up, I’m told to “man up and shut up”. When he gets pissed off, he expects my comfort and understanding. When I’m pissed off, I’m just being a bitch. When he wants to spend all day long playing video games, then I sit and watch him play video games. When I want to go to the goodwill to buy a pair of pants that may fit me (I only have one pair), I have to wait until he “feels” like it (Last time, I had to wait over two weeks to get one pair that cost $3.00). When he wants to spend a night up at the bar and I don’t want to go – we go anyways. When I want to go on a date night with only him and I, then does he claim we don’t “have the money” and we don’t go anyways.
Last night I napped on the couch away from him; I was incredibly pissed. This morning I try to lighten the mood by joking with him, he snaps at me and it puts us in an argument where he just told me that I claim to do a lot of things that he never sees me do.
I’ve considered putting hidden camera’s around the house so I can play it back for him to witness how much of an ass he is becoming, but from what I’ve learned in one of my college courses – recording someone without their consent is illegal.
I’m overwhelmed and with having Schizophrenia as I do, I’ve tried to be as “normal” as I can for these people (including my husband) and the only thing its ever done for me is put me in the hospital a year ago for attempting suicide. I have a feeling that its going to be the same again if I don’t consider leaving. The only issue with this is: I have no family and friends. If I go, I can’t take my boys so I’ll probably lose them. The shelter here is overflowing with people and I’d probably have to live on the street.