He tells me I'm not being "preyed" on, until I read his texts

DX'd - Other
1

As a stereotype for most persons with schizophrenia, there tends to be the feeling of being “preyed” on or perhaps even… feeling as if someone is out to just destroy you.

Since my diagnosis, my husband has told me on many occasions that no one is trying to ruin anything of me with malicious intent, however, when I come across his text messages that are on his phone (We share a phone since I don’t have one), there seems to be proof of otherwise.

My husband and I have always been open to going through each other’s phones, Facebooks, and e-mails. When I had my phone, he would pick it up whenever he wanted, go through it as much as he wanted, and could ask me any questions he desired. In turn, on occasion, I do the same and since sharing a phone now, well, we both see who we are both conversing with at all times.

Last Tuesday, my husband decided to go hang out with a few friends of his and this apparently pissed off his mother. I wasn’t aware she was texting him until he came home at about midnight and he began telling me how she had been texting him all night. I asked what she was texting him about and he said that it was “nothing to worry about”.

He went in to grab a drink and I asked to see his phone. He handed it to me and I went straight to the messages to see why he was so worked up about her texting him. Although the messages from her were deleted (He does this so I can’t see the malicious things she says about me), I had found a message where he responded (and this isn’t exact words, but very close), “My wife doesn’t even know you are texting me right now so I don’t know why you always have to say such bulls*** things about her”. It went on to where he was telling her that I’m not a bad person like she seems to think and that I’m not a liar that she seems to make me out to be. That he knows she refuses to give me a chance because she’s unhappy that she’s not the main woman in his life anymore.

I said nothing to him and gave him the phone back. The next day, I find out that she had sent him more texts and since he didn’t make it in time to delete it, there were two of them that said something along the lines of “All she does is use people” and “I can’t believe that’s who you want to spend the rest of your life with”.

Now, before my husband went out with his friends on Tuesday, there was no fights, no confrontation, or issues between her and I… Not even anything between him and I. There was however a fight between him and her because she didn’t want him to go hang out with his friends, so when she wanted me to be on her side about it, I told her that I think it is alright that he go. This is where I am confused on how this apparently started a fight that had to do with me when I wasn’t even aware there was a fight going on. When I saw her around the house, she would smile and talk kindly as she typically would… led me to believe everything was fine and dandy.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. Its a frequent thing since we’ve been married. She even likes to make outright inappropriate remarks to embarrass. Whenever I tried to commit suicide a year ago, and I got out of the hospital, it wasn’t even two days later when she tried to make a joke in front of my husband and all of his friends (There were about ten of them over) that “haha, isn’t trying to kill yourself what you kids call an Emo? Aww, are you an Emo? haha”. No one else was laughing with her and it immediately made my husband explode. Our good friend (at the time) actually told her that her remark only two days after me trying to commit suicide just definitely (as he put) “Was not at all cool, man”. She never apologized. Instead, she left the room with saying, “Oh, well I thought that’s what an emo was”.

Just yesterday she sent my husband a text message trying to accuse me of being a thief. My husband text his dad about his upcoming college semester since his dad has always been the one to pay for his school. She thought it was me texting his dad asking for money. I’ve never stolen anything from her and I’ve definitely never stolen anything from anyone else. I don’t even ask my own parents for money.

He tries to tell me that I’m not being preyed on and that its just my schizophrenia, but the problem is… Is he right… am I just reading too far into things which is causing a situation to arise out of next to nothing… Or am I actually being preyed on?

2

Well, I don’t know if preyed upon is the right phrase. Your mil sounds like an awful person. She is malicious and passive aggressive, a potent combination. It sounds like your husband is handling the situation as it hasn’t spilled over into your life yet, except for the phone messages.

3

It is well known here in the eastern part of the world that wives are always in conflict with their mothers-in-law whether directly or subtly. And I have heard enough of them, I even watched the drama on TV. The difference is, I think,(sorry for too much opinion today), we are more vulnerable since we are suffering from mental illness. In fact, what you need is understanding and love from your family.

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4

No you just have a real jerk for a mother-in-law. Not everyone gets lucky with those.

I’d say do your best to ignore it and not let it get under your skin. Who cares if she doesn’t like you or doesn’t think you’re right for her son? It wasn’t her choice to make.

She seems very insensitive,I’m sorry about your situation.

5

she sounds like a real bitch, i’m sorry to say. you are not being preyed upon, his mother is competing for his attention and it’s working. any type of attention, whether positive or negative, is attention. i think she’d be the same whoever your husband was with, be it you or someone else so it’s not personal because of who you are. it’s just she’s possessive over her son. try not to take it personally. he obviously loves you or he wouldn’t keep arguing with her about her behaviour. maybe yo should ask him how many other girls she’s been this way about. or maybe she never saw you as a threat until you married him. either way, she’s being a sneaky bitch, in my opinion.

6

Sorry but I don’t understand why she is living with you? You have to be on your husband’ s side and not read any of their texts to each other’s that may only make you upset.

If you complain or even acknowledge they are texting each other it will not go well.

7

Not exactly preyed upon, just that you have an evil mother in law. Unfortunately lots of people have those…why does it always seem to be the MOTHER in law? Not so much the father in law?

Anyways, your husbands standing up for you to her so that’s a good thing!

However, it’s not your SZ, since the woman is obviously trashing you in texts to her son behind your back.

So she’s talking trash…he can’t deny that she’s talking trash…

8

I use the term preyed upon due to the idea that she has tried to cause me to lose everything in my life.

When my husband and I first got married, she tried to have our children taken away from us because I use the time out method as punishment. I don’t use spankings, so I set my child on the couch and tell them to stay. If they do stay put, then they can get down after a few minutes, but if they try to sneak off the couch (which has happened many times), then they have to stay seated in time out for a while longer. When they are in time out, I don’t even take away their television privileges. They can still watch tv while in time out - just no getting off of the couch. Well, she believes that time out is child abuse. So she called DFS. DFS found no cause to make a case out of it so they immediately closed it as soon as they got here.

She’s tried getting my husband to leave me, which hasn’t happened (obviously) and she’s even tried getting my own parents to turn against me. When she gets pissed off, she tells me that my parents both hate me, think I’m a POS, and that I moved away from them because “They never wanted me around to begin with”. She makes claims that my parents talk badly about me. I don’t talk to my father, haven’t seen him since I was 18, and my mom is a very private person.

I saw my mom today. She actually drove down here to check on me and see how I’m doing. We talked about everything and she showed me her texts from his mom. Her messages said something along the lines of “I need to know about your daughter. She’s apparently not a very good person here. Call me soon.” My mom showed me that she never texts her back because my mom truly isn’t the gossip sort of person. Never has been.

It’s definitely spilled over into my life. She was part of the reason I can’t attend my college anymore. She got me kicked out of my house last year (around August) and they sent me to my home town. There, I couldn’t do any of my school work and got failing grades that I now have to pay out of pocket for in order to retake the classes.

9

I’m honestly not sure if she would be this way with just anyone. When my husband was in high school, he was dating some girl named Sarah and apparently, his mom got along wonderfully with her. When they broke up after like… a week, I think it was, of dating, he was hanging out with another girl that his mom claims that she adored and loved because she’s “hardworking, intelligent, and beautiful”. So that… I don’t know.

When we first got married though, she did make certain remarks that led me into this sort of thought. She had gone to get her nails done and accidentally left her ring that was my husband’s birthstone at the salon. She went back to get it and someone else had taken it. She said that she took it as a metaphorical meaning that her son had officially been taken away from her since he’s now married. After that, she would make similar remarks in regards to that same kind of situation.

10

I can talk to him about the texts, but her - no, absolutely not. You are definitely right on that. However, regardless of the texts, my husband does still tell me verbally what is being said and why.

I’ll always take his side - IF his side is right. Sometimes, his side hasn’t been, but when it hasn’t, rather than being like “Oh, I agree with your mom”, I just keep my mouth shut. It’s not my place to stand against him, but when he hasn’t been right, I put trust in him knowing he will come to terms with it and right his wrong.

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12

I feel “preyed upon” just because over the course of two years, she’s caused me to lose next to everything. I only have two things left in the world to lose - my husband and my children. College, yeah, she caused me to lose that. Job, yeah, she caused me to lose that, too. My father, she drove a huge wedge between us immediately. She’s tried in getting my boys taken away, but the state found no good cause so they closed the case. My mother doesn’t get involved in my business, so I have her and don’t at the same time. My husband, she’s always begging him to leave me.

Which on that topic, she’s literally begged him before to leave me. He told her no. She sent him a message saying that she’s come to the decision that he needs to pick. He told her (word for word here because I have pictures of it that I sent to my own mom): “If you’re wanting me to pick between you and my wife, that’s an obvious one. Just stay out of my business and leave us alone.”

In this situation however, my husband’s father lives in a different country, but while his parents are divorced, they still talk everyday because they were good friends for so many years. When his dad has talked to my husband on the phone, his dad says good things about him and I being together, but when his dad talks to his mom on the phone, I’ve heard them talking badly about him and I being together. When his dad came here to visit, it started off really well and his dad was saying nice things, but the last day his dad was here, his dad started screaming at me that since my husband’s mom says I’m a bad person then apparently I must be because “She’d never lie to me”, even though his own dad has told us on the first day of being here that he knows my husband’s mom is a huge manipulator.

I think his dad is just confused and unsure because he’s being threatened to be on my husband’s mom side when he may not want to be. (They have a court agreement that if he pretty much doesn’t act like her bitch, then he has to pay her large sums of money).

13

I don’t know why, but this struck me hard. Of all things that I’ve thought in my life SnowyOwl… I think what you’ve said is just what I need to do. Give up and don’t fight with anyone.

Does this go along with “Smile in their face”?

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15

Could you elaborate a little bit on how money is the main problem?

18

I am the one that handles everything. Finances, houseware, food, everything.

Granted, I don’t have a lot of money, but I’m not broke when it comes to my bank account.

19

Ok not doing well tonight but you two have to be united together I mean.

There will often be disagreements but you have to talk to EACH other like you have to make progress. If it’s my side vs your side. That will never work.

The mother will always be one side so she should be out of the equation. If she HAS to live there, I would try to pretend she is not there and talk to your husband and kids and be too busy with them to give her the time of day Maybe she’ll get the hint and move on to her own life instead of meddling with the life of YOUR family.

21

I trust that you do know what you’re talking about, because regardless of if money is the problem or not… I’m taking your advice of: “Don’t fight with anyone”.

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22

When my mom came to visit me today ( I live hours away from her) she offered a suggestion to me that I’ve been thinking about since before she left.

She suggested that the next time she come here to see me, that she take myself and the boys home with her where we are welcome to stay pay-free for as many days as we want. I would honestly like to do it. After that, I can come home to be with my husband and take time away from his mom.

What do you think? Is it a good idea or do you think my absence runs the risk of her trying even harder to get me permanently removed?

23

My $0.02.
Your Mom wants to see the kids. Invite her over to stay with you. Abandoning the home will only give those 2 alone time bad.

Let the moms talk to each other and observe together your happy home. Have Your mom grill mother in law about her future life.
It’s great to visit the grandkids, but we must have our own interests, jobs, PRIVACY, etc, etc.

Mothers should raise their kids and let them fly away and be independent. Unless she has mental illness or dimetia she should be an adult and live on her own.