Schizophrenia.com

I don't know what I'm doing

#1

I have a few persons who still talk to me. But i make it dull I was talking about my problems. I know I’m pushing them away. Is it my problem I still want to seek for help? Everybody tells me it is no big deal you have a disorder and u lose everything. They say every body has their own problems and I have to take care of my own problems. I really cannot solve my own problems. I can only watch myself losing even more of the resources every time. Looking at my job performance, I will soon get fired. I cannot help making mistakes. I’m still in the downward spiral. Things are not getting better. I need income to repay debts, buy meal and perhaps some clothing. My mother asked me to repay her some cash she gave me. I would empty my account and settle it. I dont want to make people spend money on me anymore. I understand no one could understand what is happening to me and no one can help me. I’m the one who tried the hardest all these years and I don’t have any clues. It seems like the only thing I could do is to let go and watch whatever would happen. I just don’t want to watch.

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#2

Sorry, im pretty much doing the same.

Maybe we schizophrenics should all pool our money and begin helping eachother, if we all pitched in a small amount we could go case by case by who was the most in need and buy eachother things that we needed.

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#3

It will take some time but eventually we’d get around to everyone.

If there are what, six million, or sixty million, of us, and we all began pooling money and using it instead of going at it alone after a while there would be a bunch of much better off schizophrenics right.

So, if six million of us all gave one dollar right, that would be six million dollars able to be used on charity for ourselves, we could start at the bottom and work our way up, it would be epic, absolutely epic i tell you!

If six million of us gave five dollars well it’s alot more, im sittin on five dollars right now!

Thats what we should do, just pool money and start using it to buy eachother nessecary items.

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#4

This is nice. But I lack the organization abilities and the executive functions to follow up. I wish I still remember tomorrow with my memory.

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#5

Hi goggles,
Is there someone that you can talk to like a therapist or counselor? Maybe they could help you to find someone that could help you with your money for a little while until you can start to feel a bit better and less stressed. I know it’s hard but maybe talk to your boss that you are going through a tough time right now and he may be able to lighten your work load for a little bit. You don’t need to lose everything.

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#6

That is not always the case. It sounds like you need some outside help. Visiting nurses, care givers. You still have a job. You might want to try and see a therapist so many they can direct you to some occupational training so you can keep your job skills, and maybe train for a different job. It’s hard when that down ward spiral starts, and I can only imagine how scared you might feel. But there is a huge amount of help out in the world. It sound like you might need to start talking to someone to get some new ideas and you might be amazed at the options that open up to you.
It’s hard to over come that fear and take that first step. It’s really hard sometimes to find the energy. But you don’t need to loose everything. That doesn’t have to be your fate.

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#7

I read your post about your family breaking into your room. I’m sorry that you are going through such a tough time right now. As a parent I have made a lot of mistakes and will continue to do so. I do search my son’s room on a regular basis. He knows that I will. From his point of view it has to be hard to accept. I do it not because I don’t trust him but because I don’t trust schizophrenia and addiction. If I didn’t search his room than I wouldn’t know that he has not been taking certain medications or about his latest pot pipe purchases. I have made the mistake of telling my son that if he didn’t smarten up that he would have to move out. My goal was not to have him move out but perhaps recognize that he was making choices that were harming him and that I can’t support. I try not to do that anymore. Sometimes I make the mistake of letting him isolate himself. I don’t know if I should be pushing him to be a part of social activities that may be to much for him. I have gotten mad at him for stealing money from me and have made it clear that he needs to pay me back. As a parent I consider it part of my job to teach him responsibility. However at the same time I try to recognize that sometimes things happen. So yes he has to pay me back still but I don’t push that it happen right away. Unfortunately that does put me in a position where I do not leave things like my purse unattended. I sometimes feel guilty that he knows that I do this but at the same time I can’t trust sz or addiction to walk away from temptation. From my son’s point of view I’m being controlling, unfair, unreasonable and even mean. From my point of view I am protecting him even from himself.

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#8

People can be very ignorant about schizophrenia. Some of my friends (I guess they werent really friends after all) just basically told me they didnt care or want to hear it when I told them I had been diagnosed. they dont understand that schizophrenia is the worst thing that can happen to your brain. I would have preferred being shot in the head. Literally. I was an angry kid with a traumatic past and I was about to join ROTC but I became psychotic right as I was enrolling in college.

I dont really know what advice I can give to help you, but there is SSi for people diagnosed with schizophrenia.

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#11

Well I understand people have different perspectives. I know parents made mistakes. But I keep question am I still considered a human being. I feel more like a dead thing. Not even wild animals. I never steal. I never use drugs. I don’t smoke. I never use alcohol. I don’t even play online games. I never stay outside at night. I never fight. I never hurt anyone. I work hard all these years trying to buy my family a decent place to live. I think my mother put money into my account because I lost everything at that time. They want me to feel as if I still have something. But then she regrets when she found out I could become psychotic and spend money again. We are bear handed in front of my condition. I have nothing to protect myself. I can’t trust myself either. I will never be a reliable person to anyone again. My siblings told my mother to be careful in front of me. She said people with mental illness kills. They have send me adequate cues to stay away from their lives.

My mother told me she had enough money for herself but she doesn’t have money for me. I have no idea what I can do. There were a time i worked for vocational rehab. I work on assessment for people with disabilities. I met my ex there, who is a therapist. So i probably know what they are. It’s not motivating to pull myself through all these to learn a new work skills. The best I can do is half time sedentary work for a short while. I don’t think I could gain any long term employment. Actually, I no longer work in my old profession. I m just doing a part time on a simple job. I’m not doing good enough. I can just remember a one component stuff at a time. When there is one more component, i mess up. The pay is low and my financial situation is like crazy I feel very guilty everytime I buy myself a meal or a soda. They are expensive to me. How can I live?

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#12

I’m sorry you are struggling with all this. I wish that you had someone in your life that could tell you that you are good enough. I believe that you are good enough. I believe that you are doing your best. Work can be stressful. If you are given a task that has more then one component just do it one step at a time. Center on the first step only then move on to the next one. I learned in recovery, one day a time, one minute at a time if that is what it takes. Believe in yourself because you deserve it. <3

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#13

I think this is a normal situation with we schizophrenics.
The only thing we need to remember. We are charioteer of our own soul. Our soul can talk with which other humans cannot.

There is nothing in this world which cannot be achieved.
Intelligence, Beauty, health can be inculcated.

Always try to do things with the hardest way. When you fail you won’t cry but be successful with other simpler methods

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#14

face life defeat fear

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#15

I know how u feel, I had my parents searching my room on a daily basis, they tried to protect me from being foolish by all means they found useful, and I hated them for doing what they do, and thought that hate me too, because they were so rough on me and I couldn’t understand why is this happening?
I would say that I have discovered that they do this out of love and they protecting me, I just couldn’t see that…I wanted to run out of the house many times, l’m glad I didn’t.
Your parents love u and they are trying to protect u from your self, you shouldn’t think bad about them, they’re trying hard and u should be helping them too.
About work and lunch, prepare a sandwich at home and take it with u, if u can’t then ask your mom to make it for you, just talk her and tell her how u feel.

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#16

Idk, mom stop providing food after she searched my room. She yelled at me everytime I tried to talk to her. She refused to dinner with me. I think I deserve death.

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#17

For months/years I skip breakfast and lunch. When I’m really hungry, I buy a bread. I only have one meal a day for a long time. I think this is really sick.

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#18

one way to stretch food money is to buy a big bag of, I buy basmati, rice, and also dried lentils if u can afford it. It’s cheap, makes meal after filling meal. U can put sauce or cheese on it, buy some produce to throw in if u eventually get enough money to vary the styles of meal and not get bored or go broke while eating it. That helped me before I got on disability and had no income.
U have all the power in doing your best, if you fail in this situation be positive that it was only occurring to make a good change in your life. If u do lose this job, maybe you’ll get into something more suited to your recent needs and then build off of that. I’m not saying that ■■■■ doesn’t just happen, because sometimes, ot does and everything falls apart at the seams at seemingly the same time. My mentor always said well, when it rains, it pours.
Plus with the vocational knowledge you have I think being in this situation and crawling ourmt of it, you will become stronger and more aware. My therapist suggests occupational therapists to her other cases when people want to work but need the right environment. Be happy to have the ability to use your skills to propell you into into a better situation :slight_smile:

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#19

You do not deserve death. No one does. I’m aware of how some of the things that I have tried with my son could make him feel, unloved. Once or twice because we were in such a bad place arguing I did not make him dinner. I am not condoning my actions or that of your mom. At the time I was so frustrated. My son could not see how some of his actions or words were contributing to the situation. Still it was for me to be the calm one. Which I now usually am but sometimes my own feelings of frustration can get in the way of that. By not providing you food do you mean that she is not allowing you access to the food in the home or not making it for you?

Try writing your mom a letter or note about how you are feeling. Try not to write about how wrong her actions are instead use words like I feel… That way it isn’t about her but about you and your feelings. You could try: I know that you are mad at me but when I can’t eat dinner with you it makes me feel like I deserve death. I only eat one meal a day and I would really like to eat my dinner with you. Please don’t get mad about this as I am trying to tell you how I feel.

Yes your mom may react and think that you are exaggerating. Unfortunately parent’s can’t always understand their children’s feelings. Just try to stay calm. I know it’s hard. For a long time my son was dealing with so many negative feelings that he could not see that they were originating from himself. I guess he felt so bad that in his eyes he thought I must feel the same way. I’m not saying that is what is happening with you and your mom. Just that sometimes it can be hard to see past our own feelings. That goes for your mom too.

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#20

Stop saying that goggles, your mom loves u unconditionally but she’s a human after all, she have feelings and maybe she had a lot that she couldn’t handle with your behavior, weather caused by your illness or by a misunderstanding…it happened to me and I was able to win back my parents trust, it took me years to regain their trust but I pulled it off, I’m sure this is temporary situation for you goggles and you’ll be able to win your mom back and your family…you can do it, just work on your behavior and share your mom your thoughts…be brave goggles, don’t lose hope.

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#21

I never get into argument with my mother. I used to be the peacemaker at home. My mother is an illiterate. She does not read or write. I would not confront her for not having dinner with me or not cooking for me. It had an impact on me though because I don’t have any other person to dine with me. I’m alone every day. And I tend to skip meal when I’m alone.

I have an aunt who is even more illiterate. I think she cannot write her own name. She is really rejecting toward me. She usually gives me a hard time. She told my mother not to put any food at home. When we shop for some, my aunt would take them all away and give the rest of them to my siblings. It is not like anything u can imagine. Mom and I went to market and cooked every weekend in the past. My aunt told my mother don’t make fresh food for us and we stop all the cooking. What I was doing was I thank my mother for cooking and said that it was delicious in normal tone. My aunt said I m insane and said my mom was wasting the money cooking for us.

Btw, did u take anything from your son as u like when u searched his room and never returnt them? My family took so many things from me and they are never returning to me. They took my notebooks, books and valuables away and passed them to whatever person they like. They took my tv set without asking. Did u do that and feel it is justified?

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#22

You are in a tough situation. I remember once when I was about 14 or 15 I got into it with my mom. I didn’t want to come home because of my step-dad. He had some wrong intentions where I was concerned to put it nicely. Anyways my mom went to her father for advice and he told her that if I wanted to leave then she couldn’t make me stay. Not sure how that got turned into providing me with a suitcase to move out but it did… I don’t think her intentions where to hurt me as much as that situation did. She couldn’t see past her own insecurities. It’s unfortunate that your mom is taking the advice of your aunt so literally.

I won’t say that I have not been tempted to take away some of my son’s privileges or items in my quest to make him see things from my point of view. But no I have not followed through on those thoughts. I have removed drug or alcohol items but he has always been aware that I will do so. I have taken away chewing tobacco when he doesn’t follow the rules on keeping it in his own bedroom. I have taken back control of his cigarettes so that he has enough to get him through and doesn’t give away to many of them. I know how precious his notebooks can be to him so I wouldn’t take them. I try not to let my own feelings cloud my actions.

I wish I could offer you some advise on how to deal with this situation. I don’t know how old you are or if other living arrangements are a possibility. Sending much love your way.

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