Sinking to the bottom of hell

I’m just giving up on my life. I need a place to live and there’s nowhere for me to go. All the group homes around here are not for mental illness but only development disabilities or intellectual. The only mental health facilities around here are mental hospitals. I recently found the only group home for mental illness, called them a week and a half ago to send me an application and they never sent one and told me they have only one room left and will probably be filled before I get my application in. All section 8 or low income housing is not accepting applications for anywhere around here. I’m on ssi and get less then 530 a month, don’t qualify for ssd so I can’t live on my own. I want to work but can’t cus mentally I’m unstable, and I have a horrible back injury so I can’t stand for long or walk for long.

Idk what to do…my medicine doesn’t work and every medicine I try is like a sugar pill full of horrible side effects.

I live with my dad who makes fun of me for being ill, and laughs and makes jokes about me. He abused me all my life and bullied me. Point is I can’t live with him. And there is a cop living across the street that sent me into a ■■■■■■■ break down all of last year and most of this year. I have to get out of here! I’m trapped with nowhere to go. I’m contemplating suicide, things are just getting worse and worse.

I have felt there are cameras throughout my house for like three years, the government is following me and tracking me and this ■■■■■■■ police across the street was sent here to watch me. (Don’t bother trying to talk me out of this) I have no privacy, I can’t function in a world like this with all the technology and just everything my mind is my worst enemy. Idk what to do or who to turn to I feel like I’m gonna snap. I hate myself and what my life has become. I’d rather be dead I hate living this horrible life. I can’t suffer anymore with everything and my symptoms I can’t take this much longer.

Please find a way to get along with your father more. You sound unstable. I would tell my pdoc about your situation.

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I found out to my horror that the world doesn’t treat you better because you have a mental illness. It doesn’t make allowances, and sometimes in fact, it treats you worse because you have a mental illness.

The only way out of it, is to first get stable on meds. You have no choice. You have to tell your psychiatrist that you have these issues.

Then once you’re stable on meds, opportunities open up.

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@jukebox I don’t see that happening about getting along with my dad

And @everhopeful I want to be stable on meds but they won’t take these feelings and things away they just give me side effects that I try to handle but just can’t. I’ve lost so much hope with medicine working for me.

My next psychiatrist appointment is close to thanksgiving. I’m scared if I tell my psychiatrist I’ll get sent to the hospital and be in there for thanksgiving and three years ago I spent a thanksgiving in the hospital and don’t wanna do that again.

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Tell your psychiatrist everything you’ve just told us. Tell them you don’t want to go to hospital. They can’t make you go unless you’re a danger to yourself or others. Which you’re not. Tell them you feel the meds aren’t working.

Be honest with them. He may just up your dose or something.

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Sorry to hear you are suffering.

It took me 30 years to stop hating myself. It’s actually not impossible. Also I recommend it.

I am sending you some love until you find a little of your own <3 <3 <3

Bee

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I’ll tell the psychiatrist the best I can but I just feel so helpless in this situation.

I was fine in 2014 stable, once 2015 hit and that cop moved across the street it literally ruined my life. I lost my ■■■■■■■ mind. For almost two years my life has revolved around tons of “delusions” if you wanna call them that even though I believe them with every ounce in me. I feel likes there’s only one way out of this situation but I’m just barely hanging on hoping to god I can escape it some other way.

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Thank you @Bee3 that’s sweet of you to say

I’ll tell the psychiatrist the best I can

Please do. When are you seeing them again?

I’m not sure of the exact date but sometime around the 15th of November.

Emily, we know your pain you are not alone. If your thinking of taking your life please seek help. We are all here for you. Not for them for you

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OK, it’s not that long away. I’d write down what you want to say to them. I always get flustered and forget what I wanted to say if I don’t do that.

Hang in there, @EmilyTheStrange, things always turn around.

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Thank you so much @Stillwaters that really meant a lot to me to read

And @everhopeful I’ll do that that’s a good idea, and thanks yeah I hope things get better

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You can reach out anytime. To me or Someone else someone is always here. Spending time on here helped my out of psychosis last week. It really helps

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I hear you, I ■■■■■■ hate cops always sneaking and hiding and spying. They make everyone nervous I think. I also understand what you’re going through with your current living situation but like someone else said, your best bet is to make peace with your father and stay there. I don’t think you want to go into a home or some kind of shelter, things can get better just hang on for a while and ride the wave out.
I’ve been at the end of my rope, I can’t work right now because I’m afraid I’m not stable enough to. I think that not having purpose, like a job is very difficult for us. Maybe you can find something on a volunteer basis, maybe you can work at an office part time where you don’t have to stand all day.
There are options, and there’s always hope. I could relate though as today has been tough one for me too. Hang in there!

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Thanks

Yeah idk how to describe me and my dads relationship, we’ve hated each other my entire life. He taught with fear, and would overreact and get so angry at me that he’d choke me. I’m traumatized by my childhood and all of growing up with him. I don’t think the relationship could ever be repaired because of how strong of a hatred I have towards him. I’ve tried volunteering and enjoyed it. Idk if I’d enjoy it now but who knows

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I’m sorry you’re going through so much right now. If you feel like you can’t wait until the 15th, you can always call your doctor and see if there is any way for them to see you earlier. The only thing that can really help you now is finding the right med and dosage. Everything else will be secondary.

Housing selection really sucks everywhere. Do you have a case worker who can help you apply to different houses? I used to work at a residential home for kids with autism, and we accepted a few kids who had other mental illnesses, just because we knew they had no other alternatives. If you don’t have a case worker, talk to your doctor about getting one. It seems like you could really benefit from an advocate.

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I lost a lot of love in my family, it hasn’t been abusive but maybe a little emotionally abusive.
I was just thinking to myself today how unfair it is that I can’t work like everybody else. It’s that lack of purpose and sitting around that drives people to the edge. So I could relate to what you said. Volunteering is ok but when you’re ready to maybe you can work part time. You never know. And it will get you out of the house for a while too which sounds like it may be what you need.

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Thanks. I would like a sooner appointment but when I was last there I think the one I have now is the next available one, they are so busy. Maybe I’ll call again to try and see if there are any openings. I had an in home counselor awhile ago which was like a case worker who tried to help with finding housing and things but we had no luck at all and we tried for months searching. I don’t see her anymore though.

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I have some of the same thoughts. I’ve wanted to get a part time job but can’t till I’m ready and idk when that will be with how things are with me