Sigh it just gets old

I feel today, well yesterday I am really not sure about time anymore… I know I drove to the bank to cash a check to avoid another month of my bank account going into the negatives.

I need someone to help with finances, but I don’t trust my clinic - they are horrible
my parents are abusive in different ways
I think my dad majorly assisted the worsening of paranoia and irrational thoughts

who tells a 5 year old while they ar watching a sad movie that daddy could die at any time and it would be because you didnt’ love him enough ugh seriously

I live alone - but things are getting bad

I sleep in a bed covered in popsicle wrappers tv dinner trays and dirty dishes with food crusted in them
I have dishes on my head board all covered in food

and I have no care

music which to me was as important as oxygen
I don’t want to hear it

I went through periods randomly yesterday (its 2:20 am whatever day this is)
where everything would be wrong
words would come out werid
I could catch some of them and realize they were wrong by the red squiggly underneath

but there were times I used completely improper words

I am on no meds cause my pdoc is a horrible person - seriously I have come to the conclusion she’s sadistic

I wonder if when I sleep there are things crawling into my head and tinkering with my brain

I have so much anger and rage and irritability
but now it’s all focused inwards accompanying the normal extreme self loathing I have

I should start a countdown to when I completely deteriorate

I get no support from anyone

my parents don’t believe I am schizophrenic- maybe that I am communicating with spirts or alternate dimensions

I just don’t want to hear aor see anything distressing

the neutral stuff I can handle

but I spend every day all day when I am around people pretending to be how I see other people act

I’m sorry your hitting this negative slide and that your family isn’t helping you out. I hope you can find a clinic or case worker or visiting nurse to help you with finances, or home help. It doesn’t have to be your parents.

You need some help. You sound like your hitting some negative symptoms and some depression. I hope your parents at least believe in depression and get on board to help you that way.

I agree with Surprised J, it sounds like you need a little extra help right now. Do you have a social worker or therapist you can talk to? If not give your local DSS a call and ask for a case manager or care coordinator. I have a care coordinator and she is a great help at no cost. She helped me get disability, get my finances set up, is someone to talk with and is a great additional support. Your DSS office might also have another resource you can contact for help if you don’t want to get or can’t get into the system. Like they might now a local Non-profit. We have the ARC and the Empowerment Exchange as local resources that can come in and help out. If you aren’t able to make the first call for help ask your pdoc or regular doc for assistance, they should be more than willing to make those initial calls to hook you up with services.

i fired my case manager I had through the clinic

he it was just grrr
he would never make an appointment to see me in advance

i’d randomly get calls “hey are you home” - if I was he’d be like can I stop over in 10 minutes.

he’d fit me in between the other more important people…

i’d try to get help with transportation to places that are outside of my driving comfort zone and he’d be like see if your mom can take you - my relationship with my parents is not always conducive to good mental health

no one in the clinic I go to treats me like getting better is something they want for me - but they won’t acknowledge i’m not well

Sorry things are going so poorly for you. Maybe you can get a new case manager? It sounds as though you still need help. I hope things get better for you.