Shaken not stirred

I do feel like that… shaken not stirred. I also feel like a pinball being batted around all over, randomly with loud bells and buzzers.

Between the emotional letter my sis wrote me… the memories coming up… the swing between anger and empathy for my youngest brother as he fights to come back from bipolar… and just the other daily stimuli…

I’m Ok, I’m hanging in there, but if I start getting a little out there, let me know.

There’s a feeling… it’s a tightness in my arms and a glitch in the perception. I’ve been trying not to smell house fire smoke.

It’s feeling like my footing isn’t true and I have to really slow down and work hard to concentrate. Mean while, something deep inside is amping up to spin.

This time for once I’m writing this down… taking a look at triggers and stress. I am Ok, but it does feel like a pressure build. I just have to find a way to release that pressure.

I’m thinking of calling for an emergency appointment for my therapist.

There is about 25% that I know is bugging. (25% petty jealousy.) I’m not proud of that. But I can’t help it. I would love to get rid of that. But I need help to do it.

The 25% petty jealousy is because my sis has been spending more time over at my parents house with my youngest brother then here at home with me. :angry: :rage:

Plus… how can she forgive him? I can’t figure out how or why she can do that… also… why can’t I? If she can, I should be able to.

Ugly side of me I know. Not very happy with myself about that. :unamused:

The other 75%… it’s time to see my therapist. Get some perspective and try and find my forgiveness.


I think an emergency appt with your therapist is a great idea.

And I think you should make it a point to talk about your feelings regarding your sister spending more time with your brother, vs with you.

I don’t think that’s “petty” at all. I think I would be a little jealous and anxious if a member of my support system was suddenly not as available as they’ve been for the past several years. I think this is completely normal, but definitely something that you need to work through.

And I think it might be a little easier for your sis to forgive your brother because you kind of insulated her from a lot if his attacks. For example, when you were waking up early to remove the angry ranting letters that your brother was leaving on her car.

So maybe YOU took more of the brunt of the attacks than she realizes. This may be why it’s a little easier for her to forgive.

These problems CAN be overcome. But I think it’s going to require a lot of communication with your therapist and family support system.

I’m rooting for you :+1:



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Thank you for that a lot. That does help me catch my breath.

Some of those letters were vile. She was having enough problems with school, work and the ex-boyfriend. I didn’t have the heart to let her see all those letters.

She knows he wrote angry letters… I’ve told her that much, but I burned them just to get that anger away from us.

I am going to try to up my appointment and I think it’s time for me to ask for the preservation team to have a meeting.

Maybe if I can talk this through with the family as well, think it out and write it out. I’ll have to do that anyway for my therapist. That way I stay on track.

I do want my youngest brother to over come this. I do want him to heal and be able to manage his life. But… I really am in a swing over this one. One minute I feel sorry for the guy, next, I’m angry all over again.

I do need help with this one.

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Hang in there…I know you will, but I feel like saying it anyway. Hang in there.

Stop saying you’re ok when you’re not. You feel angry, you feel envious, you feel you cannot forgive your brother. On top of that, you feel house fire smoke and probably your anxiety level is up one notch. So you’re not really ok, which is fine. Having bad days is fine, isn’t it?

Stop blaming yourself for what you feel towards your brother. Your sister forgave him and you didn’t. That is also fine. You’re not supposed to forgive people before they apologize, but after they proved that they are not going to hurt you anymore. Just wait for him to prove himself, to show he deserves your forgiveness. No one needs to forgive people just for the sake of it. Bitter emotions like that, when justified, are our system’s way to say “beware” . Now, I don’t think you hate him, just maybe you don’t trust him anymore. Which is fine.

Confusion and mixed emotions have their role in life. I’d try not to deny, but understand them if I were you.

My thoughts are with you, James.


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Thank you as well. No, I don’t hate him at all… I am just very angry with him. I don’t trust him. I don’t want to see him struggle and I can logically say it was his illness and drug abuse, not him… But after the logic… still angry.

I’ll keep shoveling through this confusion. Thank you. :sunny:

J, I think it is natural for you to be a bit upset at your brother - but understand that like you, he was diagnosed with a severe form of mental illness - bipolar disorder affects the personality more so than probably SZ or at least just as much.
I think that you should probably cautiously start to at least try to understand his position - bipolar type 1 is a very serious illness and he needs the support from other family members as well - I am sure that one day you just might forgive him for his past actions, after all he was not well when he did those things.
Try to focus on the present moment - the now of things. See if he gets better and maybe you can help him out by being there for him too. Your sister is a very giving and understanding person, after all he is her brother as well.
I am sure that things will get more clear soon, in the meantime I think that talking to your therapist and working on the forgiveness part is important - for your well being as well


aw I thought this would be a thread about martini’s !! I used to love a shaken not stirred vodka martini with olive juice…a “dirty martini” they called it…I can’t drink anymore and especially a solid vodka martini…wow…I used to drink !!

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james you’ve only shown yourself to be just as human as the rest of society. bearing a grudge is fine until it starts to eat away at you. you’re right not to forgive so easily, at least until he’s proven himself worthy of that embrace. you took a lot of ■■■■ in your sister’s place, you bore the brunt of his emotional assault. you’ve every right to be angry. but trust me, when you have kids, you will always forgive them, no matter what they do because you created them. notice i say them and not singular, as in just you. i have two children whom i love more than life itself an i would forgive either of them anything. it doesn’t mean you like or condone what they’ve done but the love you feel for a child surpasses all other types of love. in a sense you already know some of this because you’ve been an almost fatherly protector for your sister, but there comes a point where you have to let them make their own choices in life. who to love and who to forgive. also, as far as the jealousy goes, it’s a normal human emotion. it may be ugly but it’s perfectly normal. for years you have been the sick one and now it’s your brother’s turn to get some of that family support. let him heal but be mindful of your own emotions too. make an ap with your therapist and discuss these things and let them guide you forward at your pace. hope this helps hunni. good luck xxx


Try not to let this eat away at you. Hopefully talking to your therapists can help to get these negative emotions out. Personally I think there may be a little more going on then just little brother. The dynamics of all of your relationships have been changing a lot lately. You are taking on more of your own responsibilities and managing your own care. You have gained a girlfriend. Because of this kidsis doesn’t need to be by your side the same. That doesn’t mean that she isn’t your kidsis anymore. That will never change. Is it possible that some of your old fears of losing her may be playing a role in all this? She can be sister and support to both you and your brother and regardless of what has happened has the right to do so. You aren’t losing her. You are gaining independence. Yes a little scary at times but you got this!


From some of the dreams I’ve been having and some of the things that has been irritating me, I have been struggling with this as well. There is actually a lot going on with this period of getting used to new things.


I’m working on it. When I hear about what he’s going through and how much he’s struggling, I am concerned for our youngest brother. But when I get ready to go over to my parents house, or my sis will reach out to him… then I’m getting angry.
I will keep what you said in mind…

That will also help me get over some of my anger… along with some new tools in the coping tool box.

This is the part I need help with. My sis isn’t going to stop helping him any time soon. So I have to get help and get over this anger. Thank you for good vibes.

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it’s all fine and dandy to be upset that’s okay what I don’t like is when you don’t know what you talking about !!! QutDrZen

why is it good when we go to explain our feelings or emotions we compare it to something like a toaster or pinball machinesrather than something more human listicle likelike brushing your hair

by the way is a martini with or without rocks

maybe because for many years I’ve identified with inanimate objects. I’m trying to figure out my feelings so I know how to keep them in check and cope with them.

Usually a Martini is with out rocks. But some people just like to be different.

you are a good guy, but you are not the dalai lama…and nor am i.
some people forgive easy, some don’t…don’t put undue pressure on yourself.
take care