I do feel like that… shaken not stirred. I also feel like a pinball being batted around all over, randomly with loud bells and buzzers.
Between the emotional letter my sis wrote me… the memories coming up… the swing between anger and empathy for my youngest brother as he fights to come back from bipolar… and just the other daily stimuli…
I’m Ok, I’m hanging in there, but if I start getting a little out there, let me know.
There’s a feeling… it’s a tightness in my arms and a glitch in the perception. I’ve been trying not to smell house fire smoke.
It’s feeling like my footing isn’t true and I have to really slow down and work hard to concentrate. Mean while, something deep inside is amping up to spin.
This time for once I’m writing this down… taking a look at triggers and stress. I am Ok, but it does feel like a pressure build. I just have to find a way to release that pressure.
I’m thinking of calling for an emergency appointment for my therapist.
There is about 25% that I know is bugging. (25% petty jealousy.) I’m not proud of that. But I can’t help it. I would love to get rid of that. But I need help to do it.
The 25% petty jealousy is because my sis has been spending more time over at my parents house with my youngest brother then here at home with me.
Plus… how can she forgive him? I can’t figure out how or why she can do that… also… why can’t I? If she can, I should be able to.
Ugly side of me I know. Not very happy with myself about that.
The other 75%… it’s time to see my therapist. Get some perspective and try and find my forgiveness.