I can see both sides now

It’s almost Zen like… I can see both sides of this coin at the same time.
My youngest brother was blacked out drunk when beat up my sister and her car and then he sobered up a bit went into detox and rehab last weekend. He’s been in for six days. The kid sis has been tracking this.

So far he’s sober, he’s craving, he’s confused, he’s a bit in shock and he sound’s a bit disoriented. He refuses to see or talk to our sister. He’s wavering between “It’s all her fault” and “It’s all my fault”

I can feel his guilt and remorse and confusion and self-hate and anger over the phone. He’s physically not up for visitors yet and he’s not ready to face the huge black eye he gave our sis when he was blacked out drunk.

He knows he’s lost his long time girl friend. She moved out this week and went back to her family. “It’s all her fault for leaving him, it’s all his fault for driving her away.”

He thinks he lost his job. He works at the same pool as the sis and little does he know, the kid sis called in a lot of favours and did a lot of fancy talking so he could get another chance. He’ll be placed on leave and not fired.

I remember when I was in hospital and just getting lucid and med compliant. I remember that I wasn’t ALWAYS motivated by anger when I didn’t want to see my family. Sometimes I was motivated by fear. I was afraid to see what I had done to them. Sometimes not seeing them, I was motivated by self-anger, or shame. This was in the later stages when doctors were telling me that the fact that I even cared what they thought was a huge sign for the better. Hurry for me then, but it still broke my family’s heart.

The other side of the coin: I can see how completely confused and heart broken my sis is at having her second favourite older brother treat her this way, blame her, refuse to even speak to her. These two chipmunks were always a dual act. John used to make Riley to be a cute little girl and distract the crowd while John shop lifted bags of candy. These two could get into a lot of trouble if left on their own too long.

But my sis grew up standing outside the door of the psych ward. She says logically… She’s not expecting gratitude or anything our brother isn’t capable of giving right now. Emotionally this is really breaking her heart. This is my parents fourth son and fourth round of inpatient rehab. They don’t seem surprised by most of this. So when my sis cries to them for understanding they have been a little numb. They probably have to be. But this is my kid sis’s first time as an adult doing this.

It’s an eye opener to see it from this side. I was the one in hospital so many times, I didn’t see the waiting by the phone part, or the absent but still there part, or the pacing and worry. Any suggestions from care givers on how THEY got through the wait and worry would be helpful.

She is just slightly more religious then I am. I heard her say “there’s no such thing as an atheist in a fox hole, or on a bench outside a psych ward.”

Thank you caregivers. May your loved one someday appreciate all that you have done for them. Even if they are unable to say it.


Just knowing my son was in a safe place made the wait easier to deal with for me. Worrying is a normal part of my life :smile:

It must be really uneasy for u to find out your kid sis have to go through all these. She is so young. Big hug.

1 Like

This has been a really hard year for her it seems. Everything in her life is in transition. That step from high school to college, out growing old friends and meeting new ones, some good, some not so good, everyone else moving forward in life.

I hear what mom and dad say sometimes and it really hurts me. They tell her, “Your not an adult yet, you don’t get to act like you know everything…” then they say… “Your old enough to know better.”

She can’t win right now. I was wondering, what was 17 like for other people?

Your sister seems like a really giving and caring person. She really went out of her way for your brother! She should think about going into the medical field. Like a PT or OT or nurse?? You are blessed to have her but i will be honest i feel bad for her a bit. She isn’t really enjoying her teenage years like a teenager should it seems??? She is okay it seems with it though but still i do kind of feel for her in that regard. But it is what it is. It’s not your fault though i’m not trying to say that at all and the truth is she might be too mature for teenagers and i’m glad you have her!! i wish i had someone like that.

When I was newly diagnosed with schizophrenia and working at the “welfare office,” I saw a form filled out by a psychologist diagnosing his patient as having “Acute Adjustment Reaction to Adult Life.” At the time I thought it was a new label for schizophrenics (!?!), but then I realized what an apt label it is for what so many humans go through when we are that age. I think I had both (smiley wink.)

She is going in to a nursing program. She wants to either be a physical therapist or a psych nurse. I also wish she could be a kid. But she’s been an adult too long already.

She doesn’t really have too many friends her age. They are all much older.

It’s so sweet to have your family by your side at the bad times, you must be overwhelmed :slight_smile: my family had no idea about my suffering, I was alone into this…but I’m happy that I have a family on my side too.

I too grew up in the shadow of 3 older brothers, and it was pretty rough.
At one point when I just turned 16, I was removed from my home by the authorities for abuse (brothers) and neglect (parents).
I watched as one brother struggled with alcohol-drug abuse, physical (ADHD) and mental issues, and acts of violence towards me since grade school. I’ve had my share of stitches, bruises and broken bones from him.
It hurt. I have never been able to forget how much damage he has done.
It’s also hard to hate anyone who struggles with severe issues of their own.
No one is perfect, so I don’t have a problem giving someone another chance, if they are truly sorry(-but no repeats though).
This also helps me to make amends for any harm I might unintentionally caused others.

I understand your concern for your sis. The girls I know spend most of their time on studying at 17. They worked really hard for a future career and seek for the best career opportunities. They went to the best schools. Some manage to get a first honor in the uni. Some spent most of their spare time on a part time to support themselves financially. Financial independence is important to a woman.

Some of them actively plan for their adulthood. They think over their positions in their family. I think having someone beloved, having a family and relationships are important to woman. Many of them began dating.

Third, People say the years in the university are the sweetest. You will meet a lot of people. You will get into student groups and develop your own ideas. It might develop into lifelong goals. Some of my friends tried out their ideas at this age. They wanted to start up volunteer services, like collecting bread from bakery and distributing to the elderly, and providing tutoring to children who are denied school place by the government. However, almost everybody say the same thing, you will not get into touch with your friends in the university again after graduation. It is mostly about exposure. Of course there are people who can keep one or two friends. Seldom are they close. I believe with friends it is not much we can control. It depends on one’s personality and luck. Having a few important guys are better than having a lot of people to hang around for many.

They do have some hobbies, like reading novels, hiking or water sports. Not many of the girls I know have a lot of partying.

1 Like

Try to think having four big brothers to take care of… it really is a lot to do and a lot of emotional stress.

I wish your kid sis could find a career that is more flexible and not very stressful. When I was a teen, my teacher advised us to seek a career that allow you to work freelance. It is a best piece of advice. Work on something that enable you to start up your own business and work part time. I expect a lot of chaos in life.

Probably I wish she could engage in more varieties of activities. Just try out a lot of hobbies and live out every of her dreams as much as possible so that she can develop her own world. Try to do something creative. Try out every of her endowed abilities. It might allow her to get into touch with her feelings better, digest them better and feel autonomy in life. Better feel in control of life. Find out something about herself independent to the role of being a care taker. It would be something in her own world independent of the confusion and success in helping out her brothers. If she finds out something she enjoys to do, it would be so much better with coping when things happen. It makes life much easier.

When she finds out an interest or life goals, she will get into people who share similar values. As long as she has adequate social skills, she will make interesting new friends.

1 Like

Goggles I love your advice. It will be something that she can work on. She really wants to be a nurse. Her journey is just beginning. Opening up our world a little and trying new things is something we can all do. Thank you for those ideas.

1 Like

I read a bit about the nursing field. It looks like a rather good career choice. I just wish it wouldn’t be too stressful for her.

I read some of your posts and got to know that she is cooking and you are drawing. I believe now that she at least has three things important in her life, number one is her brothers, number two is nursing, number three is swimming and water sports. Not bad really. I think you guys still have a lot of talents you need to explore about yourself. Don’t put all the eggs in one or two baskets. There were some guys in my life who suggested we threw some cooking competition or singing competition. (It’s a side track. They said we’ve got to find out who made instant noodles the fastest. It would be full of fun. ) Still others want to put me through filming or photography.

Actually, at 17, full of potentials. Try out more. Take part in some competition and she might earn a lot of experience and it might open up interesting opportunities. Open competition is the privilege of youth. If she could manage to have more important number x in her life, she would find more support when things goes wrong.

1 Like

You know her pretty well already.

Your advise is very true. She does need more support. Her main form of support recently evaporated. She’s sort of been at a loss since her sibling group got bad and she had to quit going.