I always thought that not being psychotic was actually being ok. But when I stopped running from one place to another, when I chose a town, a country, a husband and a sense of belonging to a family, I realized (very slowly) that it was not the case. Before my son was born I still fought with my husband when he said "today you are talking weirdly and moving awkwardly and speaking in a very strange manner, with no logic and with an equal tone"etc. I thought everybody had these days. I thought I was normal. I wasn’t.
When I had a psychosis in the last term of my pregnancy and had to have an emergency c-section in order to not affect the child’s development I felt devastated. Then, I realized I needed a person of trust who would tell me these things so I could have the insight that was missing. I chose my husband for that, then I started opening up to my closest friends and family, so they would tell me if something was wrong.
The more I read and listen, the more I learn, the more I realise that all the things that had been said to me were true, the things I had been running from ever since I was 19. The good part is that I’m beggining to get out of my head and engage with my peers, I have to make tremenduous efforts to do so, but it’s all worth it. I started realizing that not looking people in the eye was not cool, that not being able to read facial expressions correctly was not cool, that always thinking someone is out there to get me was not cool, etc.
This forum has helped me a lot and, as I mentioned before, reading your acccounts of your own symptoms and work to get out of them, @SurprisedJ and others, has made me more attentive to what my own symptoms are, more aware of the fact that I did not have an acute transitory psychosis but full blown SZ. I found it hard to accept that, as I have no hallucinations of any kind, but yet again I’m in the 30% of those who are in this situation.
I started writing again on this forum recently because I finally accepted my diagnosys as it is, and I want to do everything I can to alleviate the symptoms. I thought afterwards that I’m lucky to not have hallucinations but it’s not true. The subtility of my symptoms worsens my ability to fully understand and recognize them. As you said, if faces came out from the wall for me too, I would know they are not real and I would look for help immediately. WHen I was pregnant and was having delusions I didn’t realize I was having them. Now, that I’m medicated, I do not always realize when I’m about to fall back in my head. I have a wonderful family, though, and they tell me all that. So I’m on the good path towards insight, but struggling.