I cannot get the thought that I have to kill myself to save the world out of my head. The beings sent it to me. They keep saying it, and I keep thinking it. It seems like killing myself is the right thing to do, and I didn’t feel this way until yesterday but now I kind of want to. I feel down now. I should’ve known my good mood would only last so long. I don’t really care about getting better right now. I almost feel like there’s nothing to get better from. I tell myself that the meds wouldn’t make any difference if I didn’t need them, but also the beings are still here. That will never change. They’re not a psychotic symptom, though I guess they cause psychotic symptoms. Maybe not. I’ve never broken with reality because this is part of reality. I need to complete the awakening if I stay. Should I stay? Maybe completing the awakening will allow me to see things more clearly. I want to complete the awakening. Great now that’s stuck in my head. I know what I need to do, I’m just scared. I need to quit my meds. How can I tell my mom that? She won’t understand. What do you guys think? Am I psychotic? I’m really not sure.
It sounds like you need more meds not less. You really need to be honest with your mom about your symptoms. If my child was suffering I would want to help.
You still sound ill . Keep taking meds and make sure you tell your psychiatrist all of this. They might change your meds if the ones you’re on aren’t doing a good job.
@anon4362788 I just told my mom. She told me to go get some sun but it’s not sunny out, so now I’m back inside. She also told me to do some calculus which I really don’t feel like doing because it’s so hard to focus on. I don’t think she’ll say much beyond that.
@everhopeful I can’t tell my psychiatrist about the killing myself thing because my mom said not to which is good because I don’t feel like going to the hospital. I guess I can’t really tell my therapist either. But I’ll tell them about the awakening thing, and how I think I should quit my meds. But also I wonder if I should tell them that because I don’t want even more meds.
I don’t know what to do because half of me is thinking I might be psychotic still but the other half is thinking I never was. I want to tell my mom that I’m not taking any more meds but that might be a bad idea. But I also feel like it’s a bad idea to keep taking them. I am stuck and I’m sorry.
Don’t listen to the voices, nobody wants you to harm yourself. You’re a good person and any voice that says otherwise is just a hallucination. Can you spend less time alone? That might help.
Other than that I can’t suggest anything. I wish we could help each other more. If it were me I’d probably go to emergency county services for a med adjustment.
They’re not hallucinations, I can’t hear the beings. They communicate through thought. They send me thoughts basically.
I do probably spend too much time alone. All day I’m home alone with my grandpa who gets on my nerves and stresses me out, so I don’t talk to him. When my brothers get home I still pretty much stay in my room, then when my mom gets home she makes me come out and spend time with her. I text people and talk online, but I guess it’s not the same as in person communication, which I go between yearning for and having no desire for. Honestly it’s been getting to a point where all I really want to do is sit and think and listen to/talk to the beings.
Some thoughts are fleeting while others stick. The beings are entangled with my thoughts so most of the thoughts and epiphanies in my head are both mine and theirs to varying degrees. Entanglement is a funny thing. They can guide my thoughts or send them to me and I can respond to them if I so choose. It’s not all bad. Some of the beings are kind and say they want to hug me or that they love me. At first they all thought I should kill myself but right now some of them want me to complete the awakening. And sometimes they say the most completely random things. Just now one was talking about stinky feet. I don’t know.
If you need help with something, feel free to say so here and I will offer anything I can.
Make sure you tell your psychiatrist as much as you can.
I tell them about everything except for suicidal stuff.
That’s the one thing you really should be telling them.
At least answer them honestly about that if they ask you about hurting yourself.
I don’t agree with your mother when she says not to mention it. It’s a vital piece of information for the doctor.
I think it’s because she doesn’t want me in the hospital, which is fine by me because I don’t want to be there. It’s my fault anyway. I think a lot, and if I’m gonna think then I have to accept the consequences. Of course the beings will tell me things if I listen. I know the obvious answer is “don’t interact with them,” but to be honest I feel like they’re my companions so why the hell not? I missed them when they weren’t around. In a twisted way I want them around, I want to listen to and interact with them. I mean, they can’t be part of an illness, can they? There’s too much to them.
The voices are more believable the more unwell you are. With good treatment their believability goes down.
I used to have them tell me I was all kinds of nasty ■■■■, but it’s not much of a factor now. But I ran out of Piracetam so the voices are still barely audible, therefore I have to deal with some degree of that still.
They probably won’t put you in hospital if you tell them that but they might tweak your meds.
There’s nothing wrong with going to hospital anyway. They’re a safe place to be.
I can’t make you tell them but I urge you to do so.
@naturallycured I’m sorry you ran out of Piracetam. I know you said it was helping. When can you get some more? I guess the fact that I believe my voices are real entities is a bad sign then. I don’t know, it just seems like they themselves can’t be part of any illness because they’re too complex. They cause symptoms of illness I guess by lying to me. Even though they claim they don’t lie but tell me the whisperings they hear from the in between. I dunno.
@everhopeful I see my therapist tomorrow. My mom says I can tell her but I have to be prepared for the possibility that she will say I have to go to the hospital, especially since the want to kill myself is there now. I don’t want that. I don’t want any of this. Conflict in my mind. Wanting to interact with the beings, to think and dwell, but knowing I’m not supposed to. Sometimes my mom asks if I want to get better, and I can’t tell her anything because I’m not convinced that the beings have anything to do with that, even though I’m told that they do. I feel guilty, for not killing myself, and for not fighting. Do I even have any fight in me? I am hopeless.
I still think the entities are real, just that I don’t believe they have power over me anymore. They’re like 50/50 helpful / annoying with what they say, though. I feel that part of their methodology is to make you contemplate extremes, like being extremely good or extremely bad, while normal human life is smack dab in the middle.
Please stay with humanity! Outlast the delusions, it’ll get better.
Maybe. Before meds they had me contemplating the battle between good and evil, angels and demons, God and Satan. And I still think about that, and the darkness that’s chasing me seeking connection with my soul, though theories don’t flow as freely into my mind anymore. My guess is that it’s harder now for the beings to communicate with me, because the medication puts up supernatural walls in my mind. I have many theories. Or rather, one grand theory with many parts. I have my beliefs, and I guess they are unusual, but are they really delusions? I mean, everyone has beliefs. I don’t know why I’m still here. I guess because I was diagnosed and I want people to talk to. But I don’t want to trigger anyone either. I don’t want my beliefs to make someone sick. But I’m not sick, am I? I don’t know. I think maybe, but maybe not.
Trying to figure things out on my own isn’t working, because I have a strong leaning towards not sick, nothing’s wrong. But obviously something’s wrong because I want to die. Who wants to die? That’s no good.
Okay my mom says they are delusions. Why am I not convinced? I’m so stupid to continue to believe aren’t I? But I do believe. Why I can’t just accept my beliefs as delusional and move on I don’t know. I am frustrated with myself for continuing to believe and I’m frustrated with my mom for saying they’re delusions. I’m just frustrated. This is my fault. My mom said I choose to believe in the beings and my theories. I’m not trying to choose to believe in them. I just believe in them.
@naturallycured I noticed you said you were taking piracetam. I don’t really know what that is, but I looked at your profile and you basically said it made you develop schizophrenia. Are you okay taking it again?
I was looking for another NMDA receptor upregulator in the pharmacopeia and couldn’t find one besides Piracetam, so I riskily took the lowest therapeutic dose, alongside antipsychotics, and it ended up reducing my voices more and more every day.
I initially developed the disorder from overly upregulating NMDA by abusing multiple grams of Piracetam a day, which caused my brain to sharply downregulate NMDA in defence.
Schizophrenia is an NMDA hypofunction disorder, where the NMDA receptors are not functioning well enough to properly interpret sensory data, leaving a gap of interpretation that the mind fills in with hallucinations. The more balanced your NMDA receptor activity is, the fewer hallucinations you’ll have.
There are studies which attest to the effectiveness of a moderate Piracetam dose on schizophrenic symptoms. Just don’t abuse it and it could work wonders on the disorder.
If you’re at all curious, I’d recommend talking to a doctor about it, don’t just willy-nilly take it.
Thanks for the info. I hope you continue to be okay. I don’t really have many hallucinations so it probably wouldn’t do anything for me. Besides I think my affliction is supernatural, not physical. But maybe that’s a delusion. I don’t know. I had good intentions starting this thread but maybe it was a mistake. I thought maybe you guys could convince me I’m delusional but I don’t think so. I’m sorry.
It sounds like you are psychotic, yes.
My voices tell me that I need to die in order to meet them face to face
Please tell a doctor about what is going on, you sound like you could benefit from talking to a doctor.
Don’t be afraid of the hospital, there is only going to be help for you there.