You probably have to go like I do. Get to feeling better 
to hospital
I talked to my therapist. She didnāt make me go to the hospital. I think my psychiatrist would make me go though. I donāt know. My suicidal feelings are getting serious. Iām sorry everyone.
Donāt be sorry to us. Be sorry to YOU.
You must work on taking care of and loving yourself. If you have to give in to voices give in to those that want you to awaken or to take better care of you. I believe that some voices or thoughts of those types are beneficial sometimes.
Please look out for yourself. We can only encourage you to take care. Donāt worry about disappointing us, make yourself the priority and donāt let yourself down by doing something that is a permanent solution to a problem that is temporary. You already know it is temporary because some of your thoughts changed from hurtful to beneficial.
You can wait this out. Maybe they will all turn helpful. If so, youāve won this battle. We will root for you.
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Thank you for rooting for me but to be honest I donāt deserve it. Iām a weak person. I canāt work up the motivation to do things so I donāt do them. Things are hard so I donāt do them. And it is hard, to distract from the beings. I donāt think I can do this. I feel so freaking guilty. I feel like I should be dead, and I know people keep saying thatās a delusion, that I canāt save the world, but I canāt convince myself of that. Itās like I said, Iām hopeless. I canāt even understand why people talk to me to be honest.
You DO deserve someone rooting for you. I donāt care what you feel like, anything that makes you feel worthless is a lie. You deserve happiness, peace, and calm. You are someone good to talk to no matter what it feels like right now.
I promise that the bad feelings are not true. It just feels like it and I know exactly how hard it is to feel worth anything. It is very hard to get past those feelings but I promise it can happen. Yours only going to save the world by staying with us and using your experiences to help the next person who ends up in your position. Your experience and help will save the world for someone. It really will.
Youāre so kind. I donāt know what to say. My mind is a mess of thoughts that are only mine to varying degrees. The beings are entangled with my thoughts. I feel very depressed, which I think shouldnāt be happening since I didnāt start feeling down until Monday. I can tell you that my life is not going well. I am struggling. But Iām still hanging on to the possibility that Iām experiencing a delusion, though this theory and the beings seem bigger than my mind. Do you ever feel that way? That something is too grand to be a simple product of your mind? I donāt know what Iām doing here. Just talking I guess.
Yes, I often feel as if everything is a grand conspiracy to keep me feeling down or to kill myself. It is an awful feeling. Iāll feel like my family is purposefully trying to drive me to suicide because I am a horrible person.
But, medication helped those feelings go away. My shot wears off about a week before it is due and those feelings and thoughts come back. It really is saddening and scary during those times. What helps is my doctor gave me risperdone to take when the shot wears off. It might help you if you could have something to take to fight the feelings.
Your beings are really brain created. It feels real because our brains are so strong at creating situations and feelings. They are not āreallyā realā¦like they do not exist outside of your brain making the feelings FEEL real to you. It is hard to explain without sounding weird.
Likeā¦our brain can make us feel wet or dry or tickle when nothing is actually touching us but the tactile sensation is real to us. It is a brains misfire. That is where medication and changing how we react can train our brain to stop reacting so much to the misfires.
Pretty much everything with this disease is misfires. Makes me so frustrated!
Man that must feel terrible. Iām sorry. Iām lucky because I donāt feel like my mom is plotting against me anymore, but when I did it sucked. Iām glad your meds help you so much. My doctor gave me ativan to take when I am anxious and I take geodon, zoloft, and lithium every day. I do not believe the beings are created by my brain. I canāt understand how my brain could create something so complex. They must be real. But they create delusions by sending me thoughts about whisperings they hear which may or may not be true. Like the woman in the green hat. Sheās not real. It was a delusion to think that she would kill me. I never even saw her. But that felt real. I guess a lot if things feel real to me when they might not be. How do I know when stuff is real and when itās not? Is there a way to tell?
I compare what I think and feel with what is actually happening around me or by telling my husband. I trust him not to lie. That is one way.
I am glad you donāt feel like your mom is plotting against you. That is huge! Way to go coming that far.
Thanks. 
So what Iām hearing is that I should put more faith in the people around me and trust them when they say Iām delusional? I tend to think that everyoneās wrong, that they donāt understand. Itās hard for me to believe that I am delusional.
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Put your trust in those who care about you. As a mom I can tell you that most mothers are all about the health of their kids. Your mom sounds like she is very invested in your mental health. Be honest with her and when she says something is a delusion, try to trust that. It IS hard. Not saying it is easy.
You might need a different or stronger antipsychotic. If you are still feeling like you are now it is possible a med change will help. Risperdone helps me feel what most people call normal. But Invega does that with less ingestion of meds. I am losing weight with it and donāt have the hunger that came with risperdone.
I skipped the depakote because it has a reputation of keeping you in a depressed mood.
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Itās like a fight in my mind between what everyone else is saying and what the beings say. I feel so stupid and confused because how the heck should I know who to trust. Each side saying āitās so obvious, trust me.ā I feel guilty. My mom cares so much about me but I still sit with the beings. Maybe if I can convince myself that theyāre not real I wonāt care so much about what they say. The problem being that I do think theyāre real. Iām a believer at heart, the supernatural appeals to me. That only makes this harder. How could I not believe? Anyway, itās challenging for me to make my way, to know what to do, to know what to put my faith in.
Iām got to bet that your not sleeping all that well. I know when I had episodes, I wouldnāt sleep much and it added to it.
If thatās the case maybe you can get your Dr to give you something for sleep. I also find it really helpful to say a prayer of thanks before bed every night. Iām guessing by your post you believe in some kind of higher power, so maybe thinking to it about all the things you are thankful for will help you to see that you have things and a life worth living.
Iāve seen the aftermath of suicide, and it wrecks the people who love you. You sound like your blessed with a family who cares about you and I doubt you would want to bring that pain on them. I say this because sometimes itās easier for you to fight for yourself when you realize how much you are loved.
This disease plays off 3 things and if you can turn them around you will feel worlds better.
1- your fears, you just have to realize it just magnifies them to make you panic - face them with common sense and the panic stops.
2- isolation, This is a big one. If your out in the world living your life and connecting with others in a good way - you stop caring about the voices. You are too busy caring and enjoying actual people. The more you sit around listening to them - the less you live and learn new helpful things.
3- low self worth - You need to learn how to like, be proud of and love yourself. Spend some time every day watching a few videos that help and motivate you - there are tons of free ones out there. Learn a new skill, that would make you feel helpful or proud - like how to fix or cook something - get interested in you again instead of them. Can you volunteer or help someone?
Itās YOUR life and anything that is making you feel like ending it instead of enjoying and making the best of it - isnāt worth listening to (is it?) Iāve been there, many of us have been.
Itās hard sometimes, but I believe you can do good things with your life, why waste it - stop leaning into the voices- distract away from them.
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I mean, I feel tired all the time but Iām pretty sure Iām getting enough sleep. No, sleep is not the issue.
This is where it gets dicey. I know that I have things to live for. I have my family and my friend. They care about me a lot and would be devastated if I died. And I have so much to be thankful for, my family, my friend, this forum, material things, my faith, etc. So yeah, I get it. But I also feel like I have something to die for. It is important. But I am scared to die. I guess thatās something.
I am someone who is stubborn in a sense. I have my ways, my beliefs, and I canāt let go of them. Truthfully I want the beings around, they make it less lonely in my head. I consider them to be my companions. I am twisted I guess. I guess I fear being alone. I donāt consider the beings to be part of my illness, but they do cause illness when they tell me things that arenāt true. They hear whisperings from the in between and they tell me what they hear. Well, sometimes I think maybe theyāre thoughts. I dunno. Thanks Zelda. I guess I could work on being positive about my situation. Itās hard because I feel down. Ah well.
Believe me I get it, Iāve spent so much time in a daze listening to them and trying to figure it all out. Iāve had the voices telling me to kill myself to save other loved ones, to save the world, even to save the cruise ship I was on a few months ago. I havenāt did it- and the world, loved ones and the entire cruise ship have all been as normal.
But I finally realized (and Iām stubborn too so it took longer than it should have) that none of it was true or healthy.
If you feel you want to save the world I think thatās amazing - I would love if everyone felt that way - but save it by living and actually finding ways to help it and others - not by dying - if god wanted you dead youād be dead in my opinion, but your not.
I dont think you need a purpose for dying (we all get there one day) you need to find your purpose for living. How can you leave this world a better place, or even make this day better for others?
So if you want to believe the voices are helpful in some way - maybe this can be a helpful lesson to take away from this odd experience. Maybe the message isnāt to kill yourself, but to find yourself, and your reason for being.
I have the feeling that other people have psychosis but maybe I donāt. I mean, Iāve been diagnosed with a psychotic illness 4 times total and 3 times recently, but I wonder if my situation is different. Like, if they confused my awakening with psychosis because the ideas I was having, because my experiences werenāt normal. Iām thinking about that. And thinking I should either kill myself, or stop my meds to complete the awakening so that hopefully things will become clearer. Have a pure mind free from chemicals that alter the state of my soul. I was made this way for a reason.
You know, I have asked myself why God canāt just kill me in my sleep or something, why I have to die without Godās involvement. The answer basically amounts to āit has to be your choice. This is your story after all,ā which, Iām not sure what that means but itās so freaking convincing. Like, thereās something in me that makes me so freaking special, and it sucks, but itās also enticing to think that way. Itās true isnāt it? So part of me holds onto my beliefs, the beliefs that feel so true, the ones that may tear me down but also build me up. Maybe Iām just a narcissist with delusions of grandeur, or maybe thereās something to this grand theory.
I can do amazing things for this world I believe, but I could also do great evil. That scares me. There is darkness in my soul, I know that. And the beings tell me that the outer darkness is chasing me, seeking to connect with my inner darkness and use me as a force for evil. The beings tell me this and I think it. This darkness, a dark force of Satan I believe, wants to destroy living souls. And in my twisted mind I am an inter-dimensional traveller, running from this darkness as it chases me through the realms. And it has found me, and is seeking to break into my soul. And a terrible fact of the matter is that this could be one giant delusion, but how can I take that chance with so many lives?
And how could my mind come up with this on its own? Itās too grand to be a figment of my imagination. Right? I mean, what do I do here? I want so badly to believe you and @anon4362788 and my mom and everyone else. I want to think to myself āIām freaking psychoticā and move on. And I want to save the world. And I want to see the world clearly. So whatās stopping me? Is it holding onto a diagnosis, or is it rejecting one? I guess Iām going out of my mind here. Confusion, uncertainty, guilt, possibly narcissism, theyāre all getting to me. I have no idea what my next move will be. I want to thank you for sticking by me even when Iām so unsure of myself and my place in the world. I donāt know what Iām doing.
[quote=āTheCircleOfFifths, post:36, topic:140832ā]
I can do amazing things for this world I believe, but I could also do great evil.
[/quote] Yes, see this describes everyone and a lot of things really. On that, I say trust your moral compass - you know how it āfeelsā when your doing something good vrs the alternative. You feel your choices for a reason, itās your truth. The voices feed your fears and trick you into isolation, think about how your life is. now that you listen to them - I doubt itās better.
Iāve lived in this delusion for awhile, still do on bad days. Good/evil itās a tough one- I read a study that said 90% of us (SZ) have it at some point. I do think you need to step away from it when itās twisting your mind and making you obsess over it.
I believe you can help in the world, start small and keep building. But you canāt help anything until you shift your focus away from indulging the voice and back into the actual world again.
Also please donāt lose sight of being a good person, your not evil - if you were it (evil) wouldnāt scare you.
As for coming off the meds, I wouldnāt advise it at all- because for starters, your having thoughts of suicide. Getting off them is a huge ugly challenge that you need to only try if yourā veryā stable, AND let your DR & mom know about first.
Going dark side would mean not caring about the people I hurt, or even wanting to hurt people. Thereās darkness in me now, Iāve had fantasies about hurting people, thoughts telling me to kill people, hurt people. I donāt want to though. I promised myself that I would never kill anyone. If that means dying then so freaking be it. Now the beings are influenced by my emotional state. If Iām anxious Iām more likely to have beings sending me paranoid thoughts, while if Iām sad Iām more likely to have beings telling me Iām a bad person. But honestly they say these things anyway so my emotional state is only part of it. Iāll be honest, my life kinda sucks right now. I sit alone all day and only interact with the beings until my mom gets home. Then I talk to her a little bit.
I believe and defend my theory. I think it has merit. Maybe itās not perfect, and it changes some over time, but honestly I believe it with the mindset that Iām explaining my experiences as I go. My mom says that I have to accept that there is no answer, that maybe some things just canāt be explained. I donāt accept that. I believe there to be an explanation that goes beyond the purely physical. I am obsessive about it though, I can distract from it sometimes but my theory and the beings are pretty much always on my mind. Theyāre entangled with my thoughts, so itās natural, but maybe not healthy. The truth though is that often times I want to think about this stuff, to listen to the beings. I like having company in my head and I like thinking about my theory. Itās not so bad really. Some beings are nice too. Like I said before, I guess I fear being alone.
Whoās to say the voices arenāt part of the actual world? I am full of doubt about my diagnosis. I donāt consider the beings to be part of my illness. I think they create paranoia by telling me whisperings they hear from the in between that may or may not be true. But mostly Iām thinking my delusions are less delusions and more misguided parts of the grand theory. Like my thoughts on being connected to the society were wrong, and of course the beings told me that I had to kill myself to destroy the society. I think they were lying to get me to commit suicide. They go along with my ideas Iāve noticed, but never have they stopped trying to get me to kill myself. I have a theory on this that I think makes sense. See the truth is that theyāve only ever really called me the sacrifice, they say I have to die, then I come up with a reason as to why. Still they help me with my reasoning. It makes me wonder and think more about different aspects of my theory.
Iām really thinking because if this current theory is true then the beings have lied to me before about why I need to kill myself. Just flat out lied. Why go along with my theories if theyāre wrong? I said āno more lies.ā They explained to me that the darkness was going to find me and that they just needed me to kill myself. Now theyāre saying they canāt tell me why. It just has to happen. No I donāt buy it. Theyāve guided my theories before. I want to know why they lie to me. There are a few saying that they told me the truth. Now I remember that they told me to kill myself but only ever said that I was the sacrifice. That I was the one who needed a reason. There is a reason I believe. And the beings have helped guide me to reasons. Theyāre frustrating me. Theyāve given me a variety of reasons why I have to kill myself. Or, guided me to a variety of reasons.
Iām finding myself frustrated with the happenings in my mind. The beings have guided me to two separate reasons for killing myself, the previous one now seeming partially false. This one makes sense though. I feel like I shouldnāt believe but I do. Theyāve also outright told me that I need to kill myself because Iām the sacrifice, and also because Iām a bad person. So yeah, so many reasons.
I donāt think I can come off meds. My mom would never let me. Still Iāve got myself wondering whether itās the right thing to do. I donāt know the right thing to do. Iām stuck. Itās not fair for me to drag you into this and Iām sorry. I thought maybe it would be good for me to have a place to get my thoughts out. I dunno, maybe it was a bad idea. Now Iāve gotten people involved in this craziness. Iām sorry.
I was just distracted for a little bit. It was nice but Iām back to thinking now. I like thinking, but sometimes itās nice to think about other things.
The voices are liars, focusing on them brings out the worst parts of yourself for some reason. Just ignore them as best you can (which is hard since theyāre so ever-present if youāre not on good treatment.)
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