For context, back in 2022, I was in a relationship with my second gf which lasted for six months. During that time I started to question my sexuality. I’ve always believed that I was straight all my life but for some reason i started to question it. During the latter part of our relationship I started to think I was actually gay but Im not sure if I was actually finding other men sexually attractive or if it was part of the psychosis. After we broke up in April 2022 the psychosis got worse, themed around my sexuality with the belief that I was secretly gay, later on believing a delusion that everyone was gay and hiding it.
Eventually I got medicated in 2023 after a long period of psychosis and I’ve been stable since, but the ambiguity of whether I’m gay or bi still remains. Recently a stranger commented that I was giving off gay vibes and that made me feel really withdrawn. I’m not sure if that’s a sign of anything. I just feel so uncomforable with my sexuality now. I question my attraction to girls now, thinking that I like them on an aesthetic level rather than sexual, but conversely I have a really strong fetish that is centered around them. so from this, I guess I am attracted to them on a certain level. But when i think of a naked woman out of the blue, it doesn’t do anything for me? but even then I’m not sure. Maybe I’m pansexual? like I need to get to know someone in order to become sexual with them? I’m really not sure about anything.
And then with men I’ve never experimented but the idea of gay sex I think of as a turn off if I’m being honest here. But I feel like I have to try it in order to figure out if I’m really gay or not, but I’m not excited about it or anything. I dread it actually. Label wise I think Bi-curious fits for now.
Sorry for the vent, just wanted to say what I had to say, any advice welcome.
Dude i had this weird thing that I thought the girl i was seeing was trans. This got triggered because of my closeted deeply religious cousin. I never cared for someone’s sexuality or how they present them selves. Most mentally healthy people don’t care and just want you to be you
Yeah thats true. Tbh i dont know who i am still in terms of my sexuality fully. But i understand that i dont have to force myself to experience something i dont want to. I just want to be myself but because of the psychosis i experienced its thrown a massive spanner in the works of knowing who i am truly.
Yeah its horrible. For me its like im constantly falling without a landing in sight( in terms of knowing the fukl extent of my sexuality). Its why i believe in having some form of ocd as it causes me distress a lot. Sorry you have the same thing
Yeah it is very distressing. Started with me having panic attacks. Like, I was totally straight before that. Feel under control during panic attacks, like I lose control, and something directs me towards a guy. I also get sexual images in the head during these episodes. I wonder if it is OCD in my case, too.
Yeah maybe its worth exploring it with a medical professional. The ambiguitu with my sexuality i believe, was the impetus thay caused my psychosis to get worse and worse. I was going around in circles thinking i was gay or bi whilst having delusions and talking to seperate entities.
I feel like if i get a firm grasp on that, it might deter the possibility of future episodes.
Yeah, but I would rather not discuss this stuff with a medical professional for now. I don’t know- I think this has been a very unique experience, and he may be able to offer not much help. Say, he says, that I am bisexual or something, and he is incorrect because he doesn’t have experience at the intersection of psychosis making someone question his sexuality? I guess I would rather not trust someone’s judgment here, and let things go with the flow for now.
By the way, I don’t mostly have voices/delusions outside of these panic attacks. But, during panic attacks, I get commanding voices directing me towards a guy (plus sexual images in the head too). So, while I don’t discuss this issue with a medical professional, I do consider the possibility of being OCD around it. But, the OCD-like symptoms have subsided in the past 6 months or so. I don’t know- it is really hard to explain this stuff to anyone.
I’ve watched all sorts of pornographic videos and monitored my reaction. As Wave says, I was curious.
I’m in no way attracted to guys and from the looks of it, neither are you.
If men don’t arouse you, and women barely attract you, maybe you’re growing asexual. Or, if you need to form a strong bond with a woman before sleeping with her, maybe you’re demisexual.
Go on, mate with a guy (safely) if that’s what it takes to convince you. It’s better than living in doubt.
That sounds absolutely awful. It sounds like your voices commands correlate with your own unresolved matters regarding this issue.
I still think it would be worth speaking to someone about it, just to work out if ocd may be at play. I dont agree with anyone labelling you as its totally up to you how you want to label yourself. But its up to you man.
Well, a year ago, when I would go to work, I would be wondering all the time, if I were truly attracted to guys, whether I feel anything for this guy, or that guy.
That was the OCD at action. Somehow, most of those thoughts have subsided lately.
What happens during panic attacks though, is probably psychosis related in the sense that panic attacks trigger breakthrough psychosis. They happen like once in three weeks now though. I don’t feel the OCD now as much, though clearly if OCD is there, it is affecting me in ways without disrupting my life anymore.
Well i have strong fetish for certain body parts or women and older women so thats a given. And yeah i dont feel like i have to do anything with a guy if i dont feel comfortable but im open to exploring at my own pace i guess. Aesexuality is something which ive also contended with too. Not sure if my sex drive is normal
Im not the sort to hook up at a club or something like that, its a bit too fast for my liking.
Truth be told, I cant rememeber how it started. All i know is that during 2022 I just started questioning if I was attracted to men and then it jusy snowballed from there. I started believing I was gay, broke up with my gf because I thought it was the right thing to do. Then when the psychosis was really bad I started talking to entities that I thought were trying to help me with picking up men or women. For example if i was having a conversation with a guy (a normal conversation) Thered be an invisible force that would make me look for signs of what to do next to progress the conversation to get a certain outcome, like sex with them for example. I was so unwell. Nothing came about of this obviously as i think i was coming across as strange to them.
I guess I started questioning whether whenever i would appreciate a beautiful women if it was from attraction or just an aesthetic appreciation.(this is something which plagues me to this day since the psychosis). I remember back then where I thought EVERYONE in my office believed I was gay, that I was secretly gay and anything that was spoken within my earshot was linked to me being gay. I dont know what the origin point was but i remember telling my girlfriend that I wasnt sure of my sexuality one night and it greatly upset her.
So, because you thought everyone thought you were gay, you told your girlfriend that you were gay, and then you believed you were gay.
Well, none of this means to me that you are gay, because you thinking that everyone is thinking you are gay is related to psychosis, and that may be the delusion to begin with. You know, how delusions spiral out of control with time. For instance, when I fell in psychosis at first, I thought one person was spying at me, then multiple people, then the government, and so on. One delusion kind of took more and more meaning with time.
Are you better now? Like are the medications working for you? If they are, how do you feel about liking guys now?
ive watched it also tbh, i dont believe porn reflects sexuality, and curiosity doesnt mean certainty, ive never been with a woman, or a man, or anything in between. but i like women, that will never change but who knows what will be added. if thoughts and porn watching equals sexuality than we need to hide and protect every octopus and squid in japan