Possible OCD about my sexuality (TMI warning)

[Ninjastar]

@Mountain

I feel like I have to try it in order to figure out if I’m really gay or not, but I’m not excited about it or anything. I dread it actually

No one can say how you feel except you. For me, this is not how it felt when I realized I might be into girls. I was afraid, but mainly because I knew what the answer was already, deep down. I knew it would be something I liked, and I just wasn’t ready to have that confirmed.

There is no rule saying you have to sleep with a guy to determine whether or not you like sleeping with guys. There is no rule saying that you have to sleep with a guy even if you know for sure you like guys. There is no rule saying you have to sleep with a girl, either. You can be attracted to either, both, or neither, and there isn’t any wrong answer. If you meet someone you think you might like, it’s okay to date them. Even if you later decide you aren’t attracted to them. You aren’t being deceitful by changing your mind after you start dating someone. You’re just learning more about yourself and how you relate to them. You also aren’t fetishizing anyone by being attracted to them. Being attracted to people is common and healthy. You’re only fetishizing someone if you stop treating them like a person.

[Mountain]

Yeah thats what i meant by the snowball effect I mentioned before.

Im stable now. No delusions hallucinations or voices. Just negative symptoms like depression, anhedonia and lack of motivation to take control of stuff in my power.

Concerning liking guys, I guess I keep that door open for now. Like I still feel deterred by the idea of the actual sex with a man as I find it gross and i dont mean to offend those who identify as homosexual on this forum by saying that.

But I’m tired of endlessly falling without a certain landing point. Ive signed myself up to an lgbt wellbeing walk that happens on every second of the month, so i’ll go there and see if I can make friends there. The point to keep in mind for me is that I am open to exploring a bit slowly and that If i dont want to do something, I dont have to.

[Mars]

This is a common OCD theme.

[Speedy]

If you were gay you would know it.

You are straight.

@Mountain

I’ve always believed that I was straight all my life but for some reason i started to question it.

Sounds like you became obsessed by this.

There is a subtype of ocd that revolves around sexuality. The difference between being obsessed and being gay is that the obsessed person constantly thinks, checks and believes things without ever even making gay relations or having any romantic interest in the same sex.

Sex can also became predictable and boring. Just so you know.

I wouldn’t worry too much about this. Hopefully you’ll come to terms with whatever is going on.

[2Waynez]

A lot of sexual ideas out there. The youth are easily persuaded and easily influenced through the power of suggestion. It’s probably harder now to navigate into adulthood moreso than any other time in history. Too many ideas out there. People feel they’re never ready because the massive amounts of Information. Gotta be a man of action now a days. Everyone has a different idea of what it means to self actualize. Good luck.

[Truemist8]

I support LGBTQ rights if it’s authentic consensual adults .
That are not stealing others energy of chemistry like form of slavery .

But not if it’s rape or forced upon or slavery etc .

I have a “kinda belief” that my sexuality was stolen from me my whole life .

I was molested as baby n child few times or more smd been raped and had sexual trauma .

I believe “my female friends and mother and family “ sex trafficked me in intellectual ways .

And also stole my fire passion sexuality chemistry golden moments energy aura eye time nature space life light years etc

I also believe that they boyfriends I had all had females acting as them during sex .
That the real one wasn’t in his body during sex .

I long for divine masculinity that is safe , protective, sexy , passionate and loving and awesome because I’m straight but I’ve only experienced good masculinity with me for a few minutes my whole life in a sexual way .

I also depersonalise disassociate meaning I’m hardly ever in my real own true body .

Also had others acting as me against my will .
Making me have sex against my will because they were in my body and I wasn’t as such and was rape n traffick as I see it

I believe my eyes n energy n aura etc have been with other bodies n now I want who n all I am back n not mix with such and get my love making n intimacy n connection n passion etc with real body .

I’m a sexual mostly .
Even when I’m sexual it’s not much as such .

Loyalty and respect and authenticity etc more important but I want real sex n love making etc

My masculine if I act as male is not much I’m feminine and they say you have to be both sexes n gender fluid but if I Chanel my masculinity or try to have it I’m still not so much that but more deep n holy n funny but not that chemistry n divine masculine in that way .

I want my sexuality and self back .

I thought I was attracted to a woman once who had a masculine energy in her but she turned out yo be evil to me and disgusting behaviour and not sny one worthy of me .we never had sex but I thought we had sexual chemistry for a few seconds.
Some cheat with chemistry n energy n light n golden moments n everything…

Some still have good old values n give a fck about authenticity n holy real flesh n body bring etc

I also believe a well known woman raped my eyes and tortured me gay against my will raped me and I straight said no .

Also I always said no and not for sale no one listened and tied up invisible restraints etc

[anon92236671]

I don’t know if porn truly reflects our real passions and desires… I deeply doubt it.
For example – I have definitely felt attraction toward girls, but whenever we tried to take it further… somehow I would stop. On one hand, maybe it was my own insecurities? On the other hand, maybe I just didn’t truly want it that much… I’ve asked myself many questions.
Women are beautiful, wonderful beings – but I do know this much: I probably couldn’t build a family or a real future with a woman (well, I’m not ultra successful with men either, but in other ways ).
All of my relationships in life have been with men. And honestly, I can only relax sexually when I’ve known someone for a long, long time – and they also have to be attractive to me in some way (one-night stands just aren’t for me).
Romantically, I only fall in love with men… Oh, how much I’ve cried over them! And yet, gently, very gently, I sometimes do look at women with desire too – even if rarely.
The point is, there’s no single answer here. Orientation is a very, very subtle thing. As many people as there are, that’s how many variations exist.
I don’t know if this helped!

[Mountain]

Yeah I think it depends on the kind of porn you watch. Like @cigarino mentioned earlier, certain fetishes wouldn’t equate to ones sexuality. When I rang the lgbt switchboard helpline for some support one person even suggested for me to watch Gay porn to see if it elicited any sensations for me and I won’t go into detail, but it was not a good reaction. However, that experience I won’t count as an indicator as i haven’t fully explored my bicuriosity yet and have no idea of my own boundaries and depths.

It’s hard for me to know who I am now since the psychosis fogged things up for me sexually for a long period of time. My mind races and I get anxious whenever I speak to a beautiful woman because I wonder if they think I’m gay, it’s put a real spanner in the works in terms of dating them. When I speak to men I feel relaxed though. It’s hard to know what instincts to trust/which ones are real and telling me something. When I see a good looking girl or guy though, I feel like I overanalyse my feelings and scan my body for any reactions. Instead of just appreciate their beauty.

I also think I need a bond with someone before I can have sex with them. Although, Im trying my hand at the whole casual thing but it’s not in my nature. But at the same time relationships are hard work and I don’t feel ready to commit to it right now.

[anon92236671]

No matter what answer you ultimately come to – try not to let OCD thoughts in too much. I experience different kinds of OCD thoughts myself, though more and more rarely… They don’t help you find a real answer, because the deeper you go into the forest, the more trees there are!
Everything starts to seem true – even completely contradictory things.
And whatever the final answer is, there is no wrong one. No orientation is worse than another – they just offer different directions, different experiences in life. @Mountain