Schizophrenia.com

I am afraid that i wont recover after so much time being ill

Really… i am not sure that its possible already…
I saw my ill friend at home. I was shaky, i was boiling inside of me of all kind of emotions, but i had no reason or opinion on anything at all. I am so confused and dumb, its scary… i am sure my friend was saying some “inadequate” things but it wasnt affecting me in a way, if you see what i mean… i am afraid my brain is fried, really… But am i more scared that i should be? Is all really so catastrophic in my case or its my anxiety for my future talking? But the truth is that i really spent a bit too many years in isolation. Not sure if there is possible recovery after this. Its scary to cant think to this point as me :disappointed_relieved:… should i accept this state while continue living with a hope… even the hope now seems to me vain cause i even dont go out… my ill friend at least goes out a lot and sees many people every day… its better than what i do actually…

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You can, you can recover after being ill a long time. I did. I was severely ill with sza for 33 years when I finally got much better and considered myself recovered. It gets better after menopause for women.

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And my fried brain? Is just an illusion this? I have no opinion on anything… i wish its just the lithium who calms me now in irder to get balanced later? I guess sometimes meds are confusing in the start no?.. pff, sometimes i cant stand no one anymore… my friends hurted me too much when i was at my worst.

Ive lost too many time already. I know I complain a lot on this, but I was never normal and happy. Never! I spent too much time being ill. I cant imagine losing many more years… Is this confusion with the reality something hard to heal on at the end, people? Or maybe I am just more worried and I see only the bad side of my illness a bit too much?

I am fed up!!! Nobody answers my questions anymore! I don’t want a life of a non-lifer, no!!! I woke up after 6 hours of sleep and my soul hurts! My heart hurts, my head hurts all because of the depression!!! Till when it will be like this??? I never knew anybody who had it so painful! I cant stand the pain no!!! I dare you to live with soul pain since 20 years. you ll scream like an animal too after this…

WOW! # is of importance.

It is more than likely the medication which is making the brain feel “fried” it did the same to me…

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and what if my brain was fried even before the meds? I couldn’t think before the meds too. I wasn’t critical, I couldn’t tell if my friend is crazy or no with certainty where for the others, she was totally insane during her episodes…

The research says the brain can improve. Connections can be re-established.

They’ve actually documented (with MRI) increasing connections in the brain with things like cognitive remediation and exercise.

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I cannot answer that. But what I noticed helped me was to inform myself. Learn and read it not only strengthened my knowledge but it also gave m things to think about. Perhaps you do not want to read, then watch. Watch a documentary, you will learn something.

When I was taking medication I found that I could not articulate myself, I would struggle for words. I would often go blank. As such, I started to learn new words, I started to read to stimulate the mind, I taught myself again how to concentrate. Am I as eloquent and articulate as I was before, not yet, but I am getting there

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I read and watch tv more than my normie friends. But even though, I remain dumb. I am not critical, I have no personality, nothing. I am tired of efforts. I don’t want pain anymore, that’s all

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What is the pain?

I feel low and I have somatic pains because of this… I feel my brain in my head too and this is painful too. I feel rage now after seeing my friend. she can be hard yes. while me, I say almost nothing but I am alive deep inside me so I have what to protest on…
I hate also the fact that my ex doc was saying that ill always suffer because of my negatives. None of my family doesn’t believe that ill recover one day

Imagine I was saying this to you, how would you advise me? Or better what you advise me to change first?

Remember, the road of a thousand miles, starts with a step

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idk, we are all different. I have a cocktail of symptoms. I should pay efforts almost every second to every symptom… Its not just sz, its not just depression. my doc thinks I am schizoaffective, depressive type with hysteria… yeah. I have bunch of things already. you gave me a good advice, maybe we should believe in neuroplasticity or whatever it is called… But there is soul in all this. I just hate that I punished myself with so much isolation, it made me lot worse probably. I didn’t talk for years for instance… I became an animal, yeah :frowning: .

On of the things I enjoy doing more than anything, is going to a coffee shop with a book or magazine, and sitting by my own.

One thing you should know, I have become socially anxious, so I do not go out as often as I would like. But I am starting too. So perhaps you can start with a small step first. Divide in stages. Perhaps first go for a walk maybe 3 times a week and then the following week or the week later you can progress to having coffee alone, just to reacquaint and re-emerge you into society

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I want to copy paste something from a study that I read that I think may be relevant to you. To summarize it, taking medications in a negative environment (isolation, stress, inactivity) can actually sometimes make things worse.

“in animal models there is clear evidence that environmental influences steer the effects of antidepressant and antipsychotic drugs even on a very basic neurobiological level. Maladaptive environmental influences or sedentary behavior can lead to detrimental effects of these drugs on a clinical outcome level, and they can increase the risk of adverse side effects, while supportive environmental influences can ensure the expected positive effects of psychopharmacological interventions.”

It seems to me that it might be necessary to change your environment or lifestyle before the meds can really work, although that sounds quite daunting.

I honestly think you don’t give yourself enough credit. You are smarter and more capable and more determined than you think you are. You are still here and you haven’t given up. You post on a forum coherently in a language that is not your mother tongue (which is more than I could do) and you WANT to get better. So I think you can do it.

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Twinkle, thanks for trying to help me. I cant change my inactivity, I am trying but it doesn’t get much better. The worse of this is that I lost my social skills yeah. Now with the lithium sometimes, I just feel this rage on my skin, but I am also paranoid from it. The neighbours look at me strangely wow… I feel like a psycho with this rage. Before the lithium, it was more suppressed. I hope I need this now in order to eliminate it from my life. But yes, I find that the things should change sooner or ill risk to have nothing later. I am getting quite old… Its not blancs that I have in my mind, its more like dark holes which make me alogical or in my ‘‘autistic’’ world by moments. I am not sure that ill be able to heal on this, to get out of this dark holes in my brain. Its a tough damage no?

It is very tough. But impossible? I don’t think so.

isn’t it more depressive thing or negative symptom? I don’t feel it as positive symptom this, you know… Maybe some kind of illogical thinking? Tbh, my ill friend is not big help often. and I see only her… for once I am bad. but I am fed up by all the madness around me…from the mine too a lot…