Name the worst feeling you ever felt
the mortifying loneliness I guess. the paranoia was tough also but my loneliness is in my life since forever…
Delusional guilt - thinking I did horrible things I didn’t do.
Terror. Especially in the former of a panic attack. Compared to that dead depression is a piece of cake.
hate. I mean genocidal hate
Unrelenting and overwhelming paranoia and terror.
Being on 40 mg of Haldol a day. I almost would rather have a broken leg without pain killers than take that much Haldol again.
You need to take it easy on the self hatred. We’ve all done things that were reprehensible - things we wish didn’t do. I know I have. Learn to let go of it. It took me practically forever to stop hating myself, and I still haven’t stopped completely. I’ve said this before, but this one woman told me that the key to living for her was learning to love herself no matter what. We all have faults. We need to learn to love ourselves in spite of them.
Other than that sick mental feeling you get when you’re paranoid and psychotic, probably the feelings of loneliness and isolation from having been seriously mentally ill.
Or that feeling you get when you’re on the meds, like you just ate a whole pizza and you’re getting fat but you know that there’s nothing you can do about it because you’re on meds and nothing matters anyway
Or that moment when you realize that you are so far gone you most likely will never have sex again because you’ve become a freak
That bone chilling empty feeling in the pit of your chest that signifies a broken heart from too many psychotic episodes and you’re young and you know that you are going to have to live the rest of your life ■■■■■■ up and you will most likely never achieve anything in your time on this planet. While people in high school that never went on to even try college are succeeding and thriving with families and kids and you still can’t get off the couch and it’s been 15 years since you went crazy and you’re only holding on because you don’t want to destroy your family but you know you can’t live this way forever and you are a prisoner because you can’t connect with others but you desperately need companionship and every time someone tries to make plans with you, you get sad because you know that your days are numbered on this earth and you might not be around next month or year when they want to hang out. And the hate and anger you feel directed at yourself for having a chemical imbalance that permits you from being normal when you used to be cool and popular but now you don’t even register on people’s radar anymore because you’re a lost cause with brain damage.
Akathisia from a toxic interaction between respiradone and an antibiotic.
Or that hollow empty feeling of having no insides from losing time and time again. You hurt so badly that it’s impossible to pull yourself out of the hole because you know it’s only a matter of time before you end back up in the hospital with paranoia and psychosis. Using drugs isn’t even an option because you know too well that they might make you worse but you are contemplating suicide anyway but you’re not entirely sure that you want to die so you don’t call your dealer because what if there’s still hope, and you don’t want to be found with heroin in your system because it would embarrass your family and defeat everything you worked for getting clean in the first place which might be your only true accomplishment and even that’s not good enough because everyone’s successful and happy and well adjusted and you’re still a grownup that can’t live alone because you could turn into a demon overnight on your appartment if you don’t take your meds, but the meds make you stiff and fat and sexless and you can’t smile anymore because you haven’t had a date in a year and a year isn’t that bad but wait you lost your twenties and thirties to being in and out of psych institutions and your dreams got cut short and worst of all is that your wierd now from not leaving the house and every time you do you think you’re gonna become psychotic so you shy away from strangers and you don’t talk to girls.
I had homicidal akathisia once, from an inability to metabolize antidepressants. I was so agitated and felt so violent, I wanted to shove people down stone stairwells for walking too slowly. Anything even slightly frustrated me, and I was fantasizing about murder. Most terrifying few days of my life.
My blood levels of respiradone were 10 x normal. Couldn’t walk, sit or lie down. Went on for months. Had to go to normal hospital for treatment. Like you I wanted to kill myself and everyone near me. Was just awful.
Being so alienated that you actually get happy when a major tragedy occurs and innocent people die because more people should get cut down in their prime like you did. Gravitating towards the obituaries on the computer and every time you open a link about a famous person you hope that the headline will read that they died of foul play because you’re so ■■■■■■ ip the world should be too.
That feeling you get when it sinks in that you’re permanently screwed up in the head and there is nothing that modern medicine can do to make you a normal person again so you decide to just get comfortable in the house where you plan on staying for the next fifteen to twenty years while you wait for a medical breakthrough and in the meantime try not to kill yourself from loneliness and lack of affection