Long story short:
- My “schizophrenia” seems to be somewhat strange, and unlike what other schizophrenics have described to have experienced, in many respects.
- It seems to have some intelligence behind it (or a mind of its own), and is systematically, not randomly, messing with me for some unknown purpose.
I will call inserted thoughts/concepts “fake thoughts”; to me they are obviously not mine. The feeling that accompanies them is completely alien to me.
This condition has made me experience a variety of new feelings. You can read about them here: Has schizophrenia caused you to feel feelings that you've never experienced before?
But how can schizophrenics experience new feelings - ones that they’ve never experienced before in their life, ones that have no meaning in the survival and evolutionary sense?
How can my condition so readily produce a feeling of “fake pleasantness” when doing certain things like eating, and then the voices/fake thoughts come in saying the fake feeling is meant to confuse and damage my subconscious mind and/or my soul. Can schizophrenia invent completely new feelings? My voices claim that the feelings are pre-programmed, and that schizophrenia is a programmed disease:
The fake thoughts seem to mostly prefer the 1st theory; maybe because it could be more dangerous.
According to this site: https://neurosciencenews.com/vocal-hallucination-brain-schizophrenia-7452/
“Research using brain-scanning equipment shows changes in the speech area in the brains of people with schizophrenia when they hear voices.”
The voices have told me things like “We’re now going to move your hand towards the screen” or “We’re going to jump up and down and flap your arms like wings” and then indeed it happens. That seems to indicate that the process controlling the voices is also responsible for controlling my body now. Does that mean the speech area of my brain is also controlling the movement of my body? That would be strange. I’d say that could be one indication that my schizophrenia is different.
I’ve read many cases of schizophrenia on the internet. From what they have told or left untold:
I seem to be the only one of them who has lost his free will completely, and permanently - my body seems/feels to be out of my control 100% of the time. Even this is being written by the “spirit” now possessing/controlling Rein’s body, on his behalf and from his perspective. The strange gestures/faces it repeatedly does as a response to different occasions (from what the voices/fake thoughts then are saying it apparently often does it to show its “emotions”: for example when it wants to express dislike about something it makes a facial expression accordingly), and actions that I’d never do (my own mouth has told me things like “I will kill you”, and my body has attempted to kill me several times) confirm that there’s a completely new character in control of my body now.
I’m the only one of them who has lost their own thoughts permanently - my mind is almost constantly blank, except when there are voices or inserted thoughts/concepts/feelings.
I may be the only one of them who has lost their emotions completely - I used to play computer games, watch films and Youtube videos, listen to music, and do sports on my free time, but they offer me //nothing// now, I’ve become numb to everything. Others have reported reduced emotions as a side effect of medications, for me it came without medications.
I may to be the only one of them who no longer feels any stress.
I may to be the only one of them who no longer feels any anxiety. I used to have lots of stress and anxiety before.
I seem to be the only one who experienced the feeling of torture in my body - a very strong, unbearable feeling. It’s a new feeling, completely different from pain, and worse than pain. There was also some intelligence behind controlling that feeling. When I was in the hospital it was only removed or alleviated during walking, or when doing things that are “important” according to the voices (eating, sleeping, going to the toilet, talking to the doctor/nurse, or being in the line to get my medications). The process controlling it was intelligent enough to recognize those actions and then react. Why it wanted me to walk all day long every day for months is a mystery to me.
I seem to be the only one for whom the condition can completely block me from understanding text or speech. When reading it’ll be the same as if you were staring at a row of foreign letters that make no sense. It does this only if it wants to: normally I can understand everything, but it blocks me from understanding written or spoken prayer every time. Sometimes I get fake thoughts saying it does that because prayer might help me escape from this condition somehow. Then occasionally, when watching a film, I get a fake thought along the lines of saying it is pointless/boring to watch it (while I feel no boredom, never felt it since this condition arrived), and it blocks my understanding of what is being said there.
I also have my memory wiped clean from …(unknown time) to summer 2018, except for 2 memories. That unknown time may be somewhere in 2016 or 2017. My condition arrived around Feb 2018 (according to some records; I don’t remember how and when it started). I’ve had fake thoughts claiming it wiped my memory to hide the reason why I got this “condition”. I have written notes from that time according to which I still had thoughts then. Does it means my “condition” blanked my mind permanently on purpose? I don’t know, and I don’t know what would be the purpose, maybe it’s just part of it ridding me from free will and rendering me unable to do anything.
My condition can mess with my senses while I eat. It can remove the tastiness from something in the middle of eating it, and it can add fake pleasantness instead. Then the voices would come asking “Is it tasty or is it pleasant?”, and saying that if I fail to tell the difference it’s going to affect my consciousness/soul badly.
It can mess with my senses while watching something from the TV or Youtube: it can make what I see look like ‘death’, and what I hear sound like ‘death’. Fortunately that doesn’t happen as much any more.
The voices/fake thoughts are messing with me systematically every day. A repeated topic is how I’m going to be tortured after death. Before they used to say it’s the absolute truth, now they (normally after a fake thought “reminding” me of it) it is untrue and then that it’s true, often going back and forth like that many times. According to the fake thougts they do it to affect my supposed belief in it (I can’t feel it). Another topic the voices are talking about is that I should escape from this condition somehow. Sometimes they say they would like to free me from it, but they can’t because they are not allowed to. Then they would say they are just pretending to be “friendly”, and that they are emotionally numb because they’re just parts of a program. The voices never annoy me or cause any other emotional response, yet they keep messing with me.
I’ve seen people tell the voices can’t know anything that you don’t already know. My voices seem to be quite intelligent at times. One time I hadn’t been sleeping for days and then the voices told “Today you’re going to sleep” and indeed I slept that day. Could be a coincidence. At another time the voices could tell in advance what is going to happen in my dream. I’d say that’s not a coincidence.
My condition is messing with my dreams. The content of my dreams tends to be about my condition, and many times how I’d try to escape from this condition. Then the fake thoughts will come in telling how it was my fault I haven’t escaped from this condition. According to the fake thoughts this is part of the plot to torture me after death for eternity, and I myself will be framed “guilty” in it.
As already mentioned, one time the voices could tell in advance what is going to happen in my dream. The voices call them “fake dreams” and claim that the program that controls the voices produces those dreams. I wake up many times during night, and often when I fall asleep again the dream continues where it left off, or has a similar theme. They tend to be very short towards the end of the night; one night I counted waking up more than 25 times. I’ve had voices in some of the dreams as well. A few times it has made me believe the dream wasn’t a dream but reality. It took a few moments to realize it was a dream after all.
The reason (according to the fake thoughts or voices) all of this is happening is to supposedly program my soul/consciousness or subconscious mind, so that I could be tortured after death. The consciousness is not something tangible, who knows, maybe it does exist in a space that can be programmed by some extraterrestrial species who are advanced/smart enough to be able to tap into it, and program it according to their needs, and affect us from wherever they reside in the universe. The voices/fake thoughts also claim that those species may have reprogrammed themselves via genetic engineering, and removed compassion and/or conscience from themselves entirely, because it limits them - without compassion they could torture others in peace. All I know is that my condition has already tortured me (for some unknown purpose) with an unbearable feeling that is completely new to me. Maybe that torture came from a program that is now “running” in my consciousness? Maybe it can do it after death as well? I don’t know. I certainly wouldn’t want it to happen. I don’t fear it nor do I believe it, maybe simply because I can’t fear, and I can’t believe (unless this condition wants me to believe in something). Or maybe the purpose of it is to mess with my fear or/and belief, which may exist still in some level, although I don’t feel them consciously.
The medications I’ve been taking haven’t had any effects at all apparently.
Is your schizophrenia messing with you as well like this? Also, if I’m wrong somewhere please point out.