My schizophrenia

Unusual Beliefs
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Long story short:

  1. My “schizophrenia” seems to be somewhat strange, and unlike what other schizophrenics have described to have experienced, in many respects.
  2. It seems to have some intelligence behind it (or a mind of its own), and is systematically, not randomly, messing with me for some unknown purpose.

I will call inserted thoughts/concepts “fake thoughts”; to me they are obviously not mine. The feeling that accompanies them is completely alien to me.

This condition has made me experience a variety of new feelings. You can read about them here: Has schizophrenia caused you to feel feelings that you've never experienced before?
But how can schizophrenics experience new feelings - ones that they’ve never experienced before in their life, ones that have no meaning in the survival and evolutionary sense?
How can my condition so readily produce a feeling of “fake pleasantness” when doing certain things like eating, and then the voices/fake thoughts come in saying the fake feeling is meant to confuse and damage my subconscious mind and/or my soul. Can schizophrenia invent completely new feelings? My voices claim that the feelings are pre-programmed, and that schizophrenia is a programmed disease:

The fake thoughts seem to mostly prefer the 1st theory; maybe because it could be more dangerous.

According to this site: https://neurosciencenews.com/vocal-hallucination-brain-schizophrenia-7452/
“Research using brain-scanning equipment shows changes in the speech area in the brains of people with schizophrenia when they hear voices.”
The voices have told me things like “We’re now going to move your hand towards the screen” or “We’re going to jump up and down and flap your arms like wings” and then indeed it happens. That seems to indicate that the process controlling the voices is also responsible for controlling my body now. Does that mean the speech area of my brain is also controlling the movement of my body? That would be strange. I’d say that could be one indication that my schizophrenia is different.

I’ve read many cases of schizophrenia on the internet. From what they have told or left untold:

  • I seem to be the only one of them who has lost his free will completely, and permanently - my body seems/feels to be out of my control 100% of the time. Even this is being written by the “spirit” now possessing/controlling Rein’s body, on his behalf and from his perspective. The strange gestures/faces it repeatedly does as a response to different occasions (from what the voices/fake thoughts then are saying it apparently often does it to show its “emotions”: for example when it wants to express dislike about something it makes a facial expression accordingly), and actions that I’d never do (my own mouth has told me things like “I will kill you”, and my body has attempted to kill me several times) confirm that there’s a completely new character in control of my body now.

  • I’m the only one of them who has lost their own thoughts permanently - my mind is almost constantly blank, except when there are voices or inserted thoughts/concepts/feelings.

  • I may be the only one of them who has lost their emotions completely - I used to play computer games, watch films and Youtube videos, listen to music, and do sports on my free time, but they offer me //nothing// now, I’ve become numb to everything. Others have reported reduced emotions as a side effect of medications, for me it came without medications.

  • I may to be the only one of them who no longer feels any stress.

  • I may to be the only one of them who no longer feels any anxiety. I used to have lots of stress and anxiety before.

  • I seem to be the only one who experienced the feeling of torture in my body - a very strong, unbearable feeling. It’s a new feeling, completely different from pain, and worse than pain. There was also some intelligence behind controlling that feeling. When I was in the hospital it was only removed or alleviated during walking, or when doing things that are “important” according to the voices (eating, sleeping, going to the toilet, talking to the doctor/nurse, or being in the line to get my medications). The process controlling it was intelligent enough to recognize those actions and then react. Why it wanted me to walk all day long every day for months is a mystery to me.

  • I seem to be the only one for whom the condition can completely block me from understanding text or speech. When reading it’ll be the same as if you were staring at a row of foreign letters that make no sense. It does this only if it wants to: normally I can understand everything, but it blocks me from understanding written or spoken prayer every time. Sometimes I get fake thoughts saying it does that because prayer might help me escape from this condition somehow. Then occasionally, when watching a film, I get a fake thought along the lines of saying it is pointless/boring to watch it (while I feel no boredom, never felt it since this condition arrived), and it blocks my understanding of what is being said there.

I also have my memory wiped clean from …(unknown time) to summer 2018, except for 2 memories. That unknown time may be somewhere in 2016 or 2017. My condition arrived around Feb 2018 (according to some records; I don’t remember how and when it started). I’ve had fake thoughts claiming it wiped my memory to hide the reason why I got this “condition”. I have written notes from that time according to which I still had thoughts then. Does it means my “condition” blanked my mind permanently on purpose? I don’t know, and I don’t know what would be the purpose, maybe it’s just part of it ridding me from free will and rendering me unable to do anything.

My condition can mess with my senses while I eat. It can remove the tastiness from something in the middle of eating it, and it can add fake pleasantness instead. Then the voices would come asking “Is it tasty or is it pleasant?”, and saying that if I fail to tell the difference it’s going to affect my consciousness/soul badly.

It can mess with my senses while watching something from the TV or Youtube: it can make what I see look like ‘death’, and what I hear sound like ‘death’. Fortunately that doesn’t happen as much any more.

The voices/fake thoughts are messing with me systematically every day. A repeated topic is how I’m going to be tortured after death. Before they used to say it’s the absolute truth, now they (normally after a fake thought “reminding” me of it) it is untrue and then that it’s true, often going back and forth like that many times. According to the fake thougts they do it to affect my supposed belief in it (I can’t feel it). Another topic the voices are talking about is that I should escape from this condition somehow. Sometimes they say they would like to free me from it, but they can’t because they are not allowed to. Then they would say they are just pretending to be “friendly”, and that they are emotionally numb because they’re just parts of a program. The voices never annoy me or cause any other emotional response, yet they keep messing with me.
I’ve seen people tell the voices can’t know anything that you don’t already know. My voices seem to be quite intelligent at times. One time I hadn’t been sleeping for days and then the voices told “Today you’re going to sleep” and indeed I slept that day. Could be a coincidence. At another time the voices could tell in advance what is going to happen in my dream. I’d say that’s not a coincidence.

My condition is messing with my dreams. The content of my dreams tends to be about my condition, and many times how I’d try to escape from this condition. Then the fake thoughts will come in telling how it was my fault I haven’t escaped from this condition. According to the fake thoughts this is part of the plot to torture me after death for eternity, and I myself will be framed “guilty” in it.
As already mentioned, one time the voices could tell in advance what is going to happen in my dream. The voices call them “fake dreams” and claim that the program that controls the voices produces those dreams. I wake up many times during night, and often when I fall asleep again the dream continues where it left off, or has a similar theme. They tend to be very short towards the end of the night; one night I counted waking up more than 25 times. I’ve had voices in some of the dreams as well. A few times it has made me believe the dream wasn’t a dream but reality. It took a few moments to realize it was a dream after all.

The reason (according to the fake thoughts or voices) all of this is happening is to supposedly program my soul/consciousness or subconscious mind, so that I could be tortured after death. The consciousness is not something tangible, who knows, maybe it does exist in a space that can be programmed by some extraterrestrial species who are advanced/smart enough to be able to tap into it, and program it according to their needs, and affect us from wherever they reside in the universe. The voices/fake thoughts also claim that those species may have reprogrammed themselves via genetic engineering, and removed compassion and/or conscience from themselves entirely, because it limits them - without compassion they could torture others in peace. All I know is that my condition has already tortured me (for some unknown purpose) with an unbearable feeling that is completely new to me. Maybe that torture came from a program that is now “running” in my consciousness? Maybe it can do it after death as well? I don’t know. I certainly wouldn’t want it to happen. I don’t fear it nor do I believe it, maybe simply because I can’t fear, and I can’t believe (unless this condition wants me to believe in something). Or maybe the purpose of it is to mess with my fear or/and belief, which may exist still in some level, although I don’t feel them consciously.

The medications I’ve been taking haven’t had any effects at all apparently.

Is your schizophrenia messing with you as well like this? Also, if I’m wrong somewhere please point out.

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I found out that I’m not the only one to have the blank mind + no emotions combo:
https://www.psychforums.com/depersonalization/topic115643-10.html

and:

I wonder how they’re doing, and managing it.
Although from what I could tell they’re not schizophrenics. I also find it suspicious that back when this condition started I didn’t have a blank mind, it was only blanked after a period of time.

Also, I didn’t mention it, but I don’t think 1-2 years of events wiped away from my memory is typical for schizophrenia. So another thing different from the types of schizophrenia I’ve read of.

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I feel my sz. is so real. I have people wanting me dead which doesn’t make me feel too good. I wish I had people’s caring and understanding but sometimes I don’t even get that from the voices. They say they are just waiting until I die. I want to live though and to be left alone.

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Thank you for sharing your experience, percpetions and some of the ideas that you have generated in order to have some sort of context.

In my experience with perceptions I have found that it is best to take everything with a ‘grain of salt’. It is quite apparent to me after many years of dealing with the phenomena even beyond ‘audio’ and into all other senses, is that it is best not to make attributions or develop ideas or concepts to explain or interpret what is perceived; but, instead to withhold judgement (or coming to a conclusion) about what is happening.

Far to often, those in our community fall for in the ‘deciphering or decrypting trap’. Based upon the data and information we have acquired throughout our incarnated memories, collective consciousness, or this life experience or our senses – in bits and pieces – we tend to jump to conclusions. This has the potential to lead us down paths and into areas where in which we are further isolated and messed with.

I suggest that you do not attribute the things you perceive or experience to any particular source, but instead, continue testing these perceptions and experiences. I am not suggesting to become a closed minded skeptic, or go into denial, but instead remain open and simply acknowledge, without embracing or averting, what ever you may perceive or experience. Instead be open to revealed evidence that is held in our communities.

I have to retain a sense of discernment in regard to how I respond in this realm. For instance, most people would jump out of the way of a bus that was speeding towards them, so in turn I should. Likewise, I don’t jump off a building because I “know” I can fly, instead because I wish to retain a conscious affect and effect in this world, I agree with the commonly held consensus that gravity is an immutable Law of Nature and those without wings can not fly.

Of course I am not going to tell you there are no aliens, that they have never visited us, or that they have, in some way, effected or affected us. At the same time, I am not going to embrace that explanation and develop a whole lifestyle, cosmology, theology and world view along that thinking either; because I simply do not know enough and additionally, my attempt is to participate in the world where the consensus among most people is that, all of that, is not “real”.

Essentially, though I have perceptions, experience and even evidence that defies the hegemonic view point most people have accepted and operate from, it would be silly to be so divergent so as to eliminate any sort of good effect I could have on others, by becoming so strident that I alienate others and loose life purpose with them.

It is apparent to me that, I have a life that is kind of balancing act, like walking a thin line that is crooked and wound in such a way, wherein I can experience intense awe or horror if wander off to far and forget why I came here in the first place. This is what it is all about really, walking the line.

I privately find a balance in a rational and reasonable consensus within our communities consensus, especially among those that are not holey sold over to the idea that our experiences and perceptions are only the result of biological or genetic disease AND not embracing the idea that totally numbing myself with chemicals, in the long or short term, is good for me.

There is a point and purpose, you can find it, among those who are not so sure, you are not one of us.

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You’ve got a point there. I (or whatever controls me) will try to keep that in mind. The main purposes of this was to 1) compare my case to others’, and see if some more of the differences could be striked out, and 2) see if for someone else their schizophrenia is also messing with them, as if for some purpose).

You may be right in this one. According to the voices/fake thoughts my schizophrenia is not actually a “real” schizophrenia, but a condition of the soul, meaning I am indeed possessed. That could explain why that 100mg chlorpromazine/day didn’t do anything to me. I have next appointment for the doctor in December, I will then see if I’ll get some different antipsychotics. Although if it would mean hospitalizing me for observation, then, according to the voices/fake thoughts, it is doubtful it would happen.
If the other antipsychotics would work, I wonder what would be their effect then? Since the process that controls the voices also controls my body (at least sometimes), would just the strange behavior disappear altogether along with the voices? Or would the “spirit” that “possesses” my body disappear entirely, rendering me to be completely still, unable to do even the basic things (eating, etc) (since 100% of the time I feel my body moves by itself)? Or maybe it would simply silence the voices, which wouldn’t be much, since they don’t affect me as far as I can feel. The main concern would be the unpleasant feelings. And again I get the inserted thoughts saying the medication probably wouldn’t work because the feelings are a conditioning of the soul, not the brain.

Now my schizophrenia is messing with me by producing a fake feeling of the “need to pee”. The fake thoughts/voices have said it affects my soul badly if I go to the toilet due to a fake feeling, but since I don’t seem to control my body I can’t help it.

I also had yet another dream where I was supposed to escape this schizophrenia, and hints about what would happen if I didn’t. Related to this, I noticed one more curious thing:

From what I wrote, one can tell there is at least 1 central process controlling at least 3 different symptoms:

  • the voice(s)
  • the (unusual) behavior of my body
  • my dreams

The pictures (their content) I am being shown are mostly in perfect sync with the voices or/and inserted thoughts. That could mean that the mind’s eye, or imagination, is also being controlled by this process.
Same with many of the new feelings I have felt/seen. For example, the voices (actually the process that controls the voices) used to put a fake focus on different external objects or my body parts (which I can then see or feel respectively), then name each one of them, and then ask the rhetoric question “How could we possibly do that?” apparently (according to the inserted thoughts) to show how capable they, or their “programmer” was.

The intelligence that controls when to switch on the torture, aches or/and other unpleasant feelings might be a part of the same process or separate from it.

Someone mentioned that the reason for all this might be because the brain is a complex thing. If you ask me, that seems quite a bit of complexity (symptoms) to muster up by an error in the brain, for all of it to then gang up and work in tandem against its owner.

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@Rei26, I don’t relate to any of what you say, thank goodness. I’m sorry about your symptoms. Have you asked your pdoc about polypharmacy?

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Don’t encourage delusions, guys. Obviously, this guy is psychotic. I have had to remove posts that should never have been posted.

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Dude, I also have inserted thoughts/fake thoughts, as you call them.
Usually it’s Lucifer or his assistant Louisa.
I also have no control over my body, because Mr Thoughtless takes over, and he is a childish hebephrenic. I understand you.
Are you on meds?

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No, apart from some lorazepam on the morning and at noon, and 50 mg of quetiapine in the evening to supposedly help me sleep. They took away the main antipsychotic last time I was in the hopsital and didn’t prescribe another, because my symptoms didn’t worsen. I managed to get an appointment for the doctor next week, maybe I’ll get something to relieve the unpleasant feelings at least. Those feelings are the main concern, because when I was in the hospital the torture went very bad, and the “spirit” tried to kill me there on several occasions (it could have been because my condition was so bad I maybe preferred not to exist, and the “spirit” detected that).

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This spirit is your subconscious.

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The voices claim that this spirit is part me, part “their” spirit. I assume in that case “their” part of the spirit is in action when, for example, my own mouth tells me “I will kill you”, or when it flaps my arms like wings while jumping up and down. I don’t think my subconscious does these things.

There is no way of telling if and when “my” part of the spirit is in action, since the feeling that my body moves on its own is constant, and only rarely it behaves like I did (the spirit even speaks differently, than I did before this schizophrenia came).

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In case a voice says “slap your face”, as in my case, who is to blame? Them? Some unknown force? My subconscious? My self?

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Some other odd things that have happened to me:

  • When I was in the hospital, I had a visible menu in my head where there was written the phone number of a local radio station. I saw a person in the hospital who seemed to be under some sort of psychosis and wrote the name of that same radio station and its frequency.
  • When I was in another hospital I (or the “spirit” controlling my body) was pacing in the corridor, a man out of nowhere came up to me and said: "Jesus said: “The spirits of the aliens”. ". I had fake thoughts immediately reminding me of my situation where I am apparently possessed by an “alien spirit”, and wondering how the man could possibly know my situation. Also, to my knowledge, Jesus never said anything about “the spirits of the aliens”.
  • One day I heard a train horn right after waking up (there are railways nearby where I live), and before that I got an inserted thought that I’m going to hear a train horn; an inserted thought after that claimed that I caused the train driver to blow the horn, because I’m a god
  • One day when I was heading home (the “spirit” was controlling me again, and had my eyes stare at the sky all the time while walking, for some reason), a man on a bicycle stopped and started screaming at me for no reason. No words came out of his mouth, just screaming several times. Later the fake thoughts came in claiming that I was causing him to scream at me, since I am a god.

All odd coincidences or hallucinations?

One theory of those fake thoughts is that I’m a severely limited demigod, and the deity is under the control of the same process that controls the voices or/and the fake thoughts, in effect making them the god instead. At the same moment I supposedly became demigod this “schizophrenia” arrived to take control over me, and supposedly this control will persist after death in the form of torture. Apparently someone does not want gods popping up all over in the universe.

According to the voices/fake thoughts their ultimate plot is to torture me endlessly after death, and make me believe that I’m a god and causing this torture upon myself, with no way out of it. Some time ago (and recently also) they’ve been saying to me that I’m supposed to be a god and it’s my own fault I haven’t escaped from this “schizophrenia”. While in the hospital, I had different mystical theories presented in my head by the fake thoughts, and dialogues between “fake me” and fake thoughts. All of them reasoned why I should be tortured after death endlessly.

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For the record (regarding the previous post), I do not believe that I am a god. These are just some strange interactions I’ve had with people since I’ve had this schizophrenia.

About me being delusional, neither do I believe that I’m going to be tortured after death - I simply can’t, because my schizophrenia controls my belief now, and I cannot have paranoia since I don’t have any thoughts. What I wrote about the torture is me simply relaying what the voice or/and the fake thoughts are saying. And whether you consider the likelihood of me being spiritually possessed (or in other words my “schizophrenia” being a spiritual condition, rather than a brain based) to be impossible or not depends on your belief system; I understand it is not in theory impossible because the possibility has not been scientifically disproven (nobody has done a brain scan on me, and the medications I’ve received so far have not had any effects or side effects whatsoever). I don’t believe an exorcism could help me, and the “spirit” (or “me”) already tried to join the congregation of a local church, but that may be impossible, because the requirement is that I should want it - I can’t want anything apparently, since it seems I lack free will. Or in other words, if my body would go and get me baptized, that decision may be made either by me (if it’s me, it would have to be an “invisible” decision, not a conscious one), or by the process that makes my body behave in unreasonable ways:

I cannot know which would make that decision - me, or the process. A fake thought just told me they won’t let me make that decision, so according to “them” the decision will be made by the mentioned process, and therefore I won’t be baptized. I do know it would be pointless to do it regardless, because I’m missing my entire inner world (including thoughts, ideas, beliefs, will, emotions, etc), which is essential for any spiritual or religious ambition. There is only the fakeness (fake thoughts, concepts and feelings) produced by my schizophrenia, and there is nothing to do with that.

There is one more thing I remember, related to this “process”:
I had a dream. I was playing a computer game in that dream, and I liked it - it was as if in the old times. That indicates that my “anhedonia” is also under the control of that same process that controls the voices, which is being maintained by my “schizophrenia”. For what purpose is my schizophrenia keeping me from enjoying the life, and making it unpleasant by applying foreign feelings - I have no idea.

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What meds are you taking, and do they help, and if they do, how do they help you?
Is “Mr Thoughtless” still controlling you on medication?

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Me and pdoc have lowered doses.
Now i take: 30mg abilify, 20mg zyprexa, 200mg clozaril and 150mg haldol monthly.
They do help. I don’t have voices everyday.
Mr Thoughtless conquers my mind occasionally.
For agitation, which is caused by Thoughtless, I take a fifth antipsychotic: nozinan is called here in Greece

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2 more things that may be of interest:

  • The “spirit” that controls me has reflexes that I didn’t have. Like when it (or I) accidentally almost pushed the radio off the table it reflexively showed my tongue. Immediately after that it made faces as if it didn’t want me to find it out that it has such a reflex (the voices acted the same way). It has a habit of showing tongue in different situations, but avoids doing it (or showing any other strange behaviour) in front of others, at least recently. Another time when it dropped the toilet paper my mouth muttered “Damn it” reflexively. I never used that word. Then it also acted like I should not have heard that. Maybe my subconscious mind has been partially overwritten.

  • My schizophrenia knows what consciousness is. It has the ability to visually highlight the vision itself (everything I currently see), and upon doing that the voices usually say something like “Yeah, that’s consciousness”. This highlighting is not just any visual effect, but when it does that I understand/see what consciousness (or at least the visual part of it) is.

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U on meds, my friend?

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I am on 100mg of quetiapine for the night. First it was 50mg to help me sleep, then she added another 50mg when I told her I get unpleasant feelings at night. Others are taking up to (or even more than) 800mg. I’ll see if I’ll get an appointment at another pdoc. It would take a long time to find what works for me (if anything works) in such small increments, and the next appointment is in December.

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Got another appointment at a different pdoc - in February. If I could hope, I’d hope the feelings won’t get as bad as they did when I was in the hospital.
I wouldn’t mind getting prescribed a maximum dose on every available ap there is and then take them at the same time (unless it would kill me), to see if anything works.