My schizophrenia 3

DX'd - Other
1

How my schizophrenia is messing with me right now:

  1. As soon as I started eating the dessert and felt it taste good, it switched the pleasant taste off. This has happened several times now.
    When I started eating gummy bears to see if the pleasant taste would come back, it started switching between being not tasty, fake tasty (not pleasant) and tasty after every few seconds. It also added “somewhere between” tastes/feelings to it (maybe to confuse me, or/and make the transitions appear smoother).

Not sure why it’s doing it. Pretty much everything my schizophrenia is doing supposedly revolves around the purpose of making me suffer eternal torture after I die. It has applied many different alien feelings in me, with the apparent purpose to confuse me or trick me into perceiving things in the wrong way.

  1. Every now and then it creates a fake “urge to pee” feeling. When I (or the “spirit” controlling my body) go to the bathroom, the voice asks “Why did you go there? You didn’t have to.” Then an inserted thought comes up with a reason like “Rein didn’t do it, the spirit did.”, or something else.
    Then the voice says “We’re going to take that thought away” in the sense that they’re going to ask the question “Why did you go to the bathroom?” again in the afterlife, and if I can’t come up with an answer (because they’ve “taken away” that thought/answer) I’m going to be tortured.
    The voice asks such questions a lot throughout the day, and for each answer it says “We’re going to take that thought away”, except if the answer is too general, or if the answer is another question (except for a rhetoric question, which, too, gets “taken away”).
2

I stopped eating the dessert when that happened. Now I continued eating it and the same happened again. It seems it’s doing it on purpose.

3

Occasionally my schizophrenia inflicts physical pain or discomfort on me, by stretching certain muscles or beating with a fist. Sometimes it does it on purpose, and at one of those times my mouth told me “I want you to feel pain”.
Recently such behaviour has become a bit more common.

4

Mental illness is no fun.

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5

I have mentioned that the inserted thoughts seem to be smarter than I am, but that’s not all.

Not only the inserted thoughts, but the thing controlling the voice(s), mental images and inserted thoughts is more intelligent than I am. It is noticeably better at problem solving, and I have been shown better solutions than I came up with via mental images, inserted thoughts and the voice.

6

My Memory and Intelligence are not all at my conscious command.

J.

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Schizophrenia is a helluva drug…:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

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@Pillowbugg

Schizophrenia ranges from the absurd to the sublime.

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I prefer sublime…but relish the absurd…

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10

Hey man - thanks for everything. I’m sorry you got a guilty type conscience about being on the mods radar… you’re consistent enough and I value your posts. I love astronomy to boot.

11

Thank you kind sir. I enjoy our conversations as well. I like to venture outside the comfort zone and explore avenues less traveled. So many, with so many different experiences. I was introduced to this site via a link. I feel I can share, even my deepest pathological theories to an audience of understanding brethren. A gift from solitude. I value your company. Thank you.

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12

Sure dude… I like the comparison to count of monte Cristo where Edmund Dante’s meets the priest in the jail. He’s able to get outside his head and discovers the truth.

13

I’ve mentioned before there seems to be an on/off switch for my thoughts (and possibly will). If there is such a switch, it might mean it’s a decision of my schizophrenia to keep my ability to think switched off, and prevent me from living my life.

14

Well I went to see a new pdoc.

He suggested following the rehabilitation and recovery plan, and going to the clubhouse, and said my will will come back.
I see no purpose in it. I’ve been robbed of all of my emotions, feelings (except pain and senses), thoughts and will. I’m incapable of wanting anything, I have pretty much complete anhedonia, I don’t like doing anything, nothing is interesting, and nothing is funny any more. The only thing I still have is the pleasant taste (which the voice/inserted thoughts claim is a ‘fake pleasant’ taste, and helpful in torturing me after death), unless my schizophrenia decides to take it away (which seems to happen often recently, with desserts), and unpleasant alien feelings.

My body is now in the basic survival cycle + eating sweets + helping mom.
There appears to be an on/off switch for my thoughts and will, but my schizophrenia has kept it in the “off” state for the past 2 years. There doesn’t seem to be any indication of it going to turn it back on.

I asked if my schizophrenia can be smarter than me. He said a disease can’t be smarter than me.
I gave him the reasons why it seems to be the case (how my schizophrenia came up with things I never thought of, related to some projects I had planned and things I’ve done wrong). He said he doesn’t know what to say.

I’ve been told “You would have probably come up with the same things”. But I didn’t! One small project already failed, because I could not come up with a working solution. But my schizophrenia could - it came up with a method that would have been successful, as soon as the thing came up in my mind.

He said the brain can’t invent new, alien feelings.
My schizophrenia is apparently capable of instant feeling invention.

  • Once when a woman touched me when I was walking by I felt a ‘female touch’ feeling in my hand where she touched me.

  • One day my mom called me, and instantly I felt a ‘getting caught in doing something wrong+guilt’ feeling, while I was lying in the bed.

  • A few days ago I heard children scream outside, and the childrens’ screaming had a ‘terrifying+dangerous’ feeling to it.

All of those are alien feelings, which I have never felt before.

He suggested to go back to the previous pdoc, and ask for an increase in the quetiapine dose (currently at 200mg).

15

Forgot to add the activity that occupies most of my time - doing nothing.

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I also do nothing. I’m good at it

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17

Seroquel is notorious for relapse because it takes so long to reach a desired therapeutic effect. It sounds like you are wanting some relief immediately. Sorry I can not be of more help.

I take a subclinical dose Seroquel, and I’m glad I have it.

I have known folks who told me they take 800 mgs a day of Seroquel. Therefore, your doctor has a lot of room to increase the dosage if desired.

When my mind was gone, I worked on myself to take a Pacifist stance. When I was gentle to myself and others, the voices became less aggressive. I assume you crave some peace of mind, and it doesn’t help to be so upset about seeming unacceptible treatment of one’s self.

It is the dubious privilege of nonpsychotic people to respond angrily and even violently to what seems injust in their world. My judgment is just too poor.

Jayster

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18

As mentioned before, my body appears to be moving by itself.

There have been a few instances when my body was behaving overall similar to how I would behave in a situation, but it did something differently, and then something remembered how I would have done it, and then changed the behavior to match how I would have behaved. This may indicate that I’m not controlling my body even when it behaves as I would, because what is controlling my body is copying my behavior.

19

Earlier the voices claimed that if I call the thing that controls my body a “spirit”, then in that case they are “spirits”. My body appears to be moving on its own, and the voice occasionally seems to control it, like when it says “We’re going to the bed now” my body goes to the bed.
Now I read a bit about DID (dissociative identity disorder), and that they may hear different personalities as voices in their head, and when the switch from one personality to another happens it could be said that one of their voices takes control over the body.

Coincidence? I don’t remember if the voices told “in that case we are spirits” earlier than showing “they” can control my body, or later. If it happened earlier it could mean they have knowledge of the inner workings of my schizophrenia.

This wouldn’t be the only case. They have proven to possess knowledge of the inner workings of my schizophrenia earlier already: one time the voice knew in advance when I’m going to fall asleep, and another time it knew in advance what I’m going to see in a dream.

20

I heard a hallucination coming from the apartment upstairs for a long time (possibly more than a year), before more obviously strange things started happening. Even though the sound sounds a bit odd, I never paid much attention to it.

Why did my schizophrenia wait for a long time, only playing a two-tone sound repeatedly, before it started messing with my mind and body in a much more obvious manner, and eventually tried to kill me (3 times, in 3 different ways)?

I don’t know if there’s a plan that my schizophrenia is following, or is it improvising.