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Because my memory was erased I didn’t remember that I was tortured with an unbearable feeling, but my schizophrenia still remembered to torture me (and when to torture me) after that memory wipe. That means my schizophrenia has a different type of memory to use, which can’t be erased (the way my long term memory was erased).
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There was a period of time when my eyes were moving left-right-left-etc. They were moving at a fixed frequency and amplitude. They moved much more rapidly than I could move them.
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The voice told me the drugs (antipsychotics) wouldn’t work, even before I found out (after the memory gap) I’ve been given many different ap-s already and none of them worked. It has told me it would be ridiculous if they worked, because my schizophrenia is actually a condition of the consciousness/soul, not the brain.
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As I have written earlier, it appears to me my body is moving on its own. Due to this, I can’t tell for sure if I am controlling my body or something else. Sometimes my body does things I would never do, sometimes it behaves as I would.
However, when an idea came to write “I, the writer, don’t know if I am Rein or not”, then the voice said “We cannot write that, because the spirit knows whether he is you, or not.” I would admit that I don’t know whether it’s me writing this or not, so if the writer cannot admit that, then it seems the writer is not me. In other words, I (Rein) am unable to control my body. In that case, whatever is writing this here on my behalf and from my perspective, is not me.
But if that is true, how can my body sometimes behave like me? -
After talking with my relatives I heard I apparently had some strange delusional beliefs. I got an inserted thought saying it could have been the spirit (that took control over my body) acting, not actual delusions. I heard I (or the spirit) was also not acting/talking like me during one of those times.
Schizophrenia isn’t a condition of the soul. It’s a condition of chronic brain inflammation.
I managed to heal my blood-brain barrier to a large extent with Daily Essential Nutrients by Hardy Nutritionals, and my SZ symptoms and brain inflammation are quite low now. They’re still there, but I can barely, barely hear them now.
If you just give up on treatment, the symptoms will have their way with you.
Unfortunately I have no proof of that my schizophrenia is entirely a condition of the brain. My schizophrenia was declared treatment resistant after trying 6 different ap-s. The meds that are supposed to affect the brain had no effects whatsoever on my symptoms.
Despite the ap-s not working for me and having no hope of finding anything that works, I’ve not stopped taking the meds. Currently on 200mg of quetiapine, which is the 8th ap I’ve taken so far. My pdoc is increases it slowly, and pnurse at the last appointment didn’t want to increase it. Wouldn’t be surprised if it still didn’t work at higher or maximum dose.
1 more thing I forgot to add to 1st post:
- I have fake (inserted) thoughts that are smarter than me. They’ve pointed out flaws in the plans I had for future before schizophrenia hit me fully, and came to many more ideas regarding those plans. They have also reminded me things that I’ve done wrong/badly in my life, and how I could have done better. I’m saying the fake thoughts are smarter than me, because the things they brought up never occurred to me back when I was thinking about and/or doing these particular things. How can they be smarter than me? Where does this more advanced intelligence that produces those fake thoughts come from?
Also, it seems the fake thoughts are produced by the same thing that controls the voice. Sometimes the voice says in a sentence something like “… things like this.”, and then a fake thought comes to say what that “this” is. That means there is 1 thing that controls all of these: the voice, fake thoughts, my body, and dreams.
I wish I could read this but it’s so much writing 
Maybe if you could summarise it
Thats about her/his sz. I can’t read it either. To much problems myself to figger it out. Hope he/her keeps taking the medication.
Did you told your psychiatrist. They are into that sort of thing.
Forgot to add the mental images. So at least 5 different symptoms working in sick harmony under the control of 1 thing.
I keep taking the medication, even though it doesn’t work.
She was not interested in seeing a long text describing my symptoms.
Here are the points summarised in 1 sentence each.
- My schizophrenia has a different type of memory it can use, instead of the long-term memory of my brain.
- There was a period of time when my eyes were moving rapidly left-right-left-etc.
- There seems to be evidence that I am unable to make any decisions, and something else is doing it instead of me.
- There seems to be 1 thing that is controlling and orchestrating the behavior/appearance of all these: the voice, fake thoughts, my body, dreams, and mental images.
This is very odd, wonder if it couldnt be categorized as a different disorder to schizophrenia or is it maby a delusion and nothing else is controlling you but the feeling is there.
If my body does things I would never do, or if it is unable to do things I would do in a situation, then there must be something else than me controlling it.
Forgot to add 1 of them:
- I have fake (inserted) thoughts that are smarter than me. How can they be smarter than me?
In what way are they smarter than you
I had plans for different projects before schizophrenia fully hit me.
- The fake thoughts have pointed out flaws in the plans I had
- They came up with many more ideas regarding those plans
- They have also reminded me things that I’ve done wrong/badly in my life, and how I could have done better.
I’m saying the fake thoughts are smarter than me, because the things they brought up never occurred to me back when I was doing things, working on the projects, or thinking about them.
But they are coming from you those voices so it’s part of your brain even if it feels otherwise. Maybe your subconscious
After reading the epicrises my doctors wrote, I found out that my schizophrenia was determined to kill me - it tried 3 times, in 3 different ways in early 2018. Those were not suicide attempts - the “spirit” told the psychiatrist “I want to kill Rein”.
I wonder why it no longer tried to kill me once I got out of the hospital.
Found another text file (from October 2017) with notes describing strange things happening. The memory gap I have covers that period, so I don’t remember any of it.
“Somebody/something was selecting things with my finger on the touchpad, in a mindless state.”
That indicates my mind at that time was temporarily “turned off” (the notes come from the time when I apparently still had thoughts). Does that mean my thoughts have an on/off switch? I am currently in a mindless state (haven’t got a single thought as long as I remember having my schizophrenia).
Another line referring to a “mindless state” from the same file:
“Mindless state, can’t remember or think about things I want to recall/think about.”
Several mentions of “something/somebody” controlling/messing with my body.
4 occasions of something messing with my focus, or ordering me to focus on things (“external objects”, “eyes that were changing from evil to good repeately”, “a mental focal point”).
“The reality turned into a dream-like state (like a lucid dream).”
“According to one theory the plan is to mix together 2 souls or spirits”
My body can act normally and abnormally at the same time. For example it can continue typing with 1 hand on the keyboard, while the “spirit” is messing (shaking, etc.) with the other hand. This happened right now, as if it wanted to prove it can do it.
Maybe the plan succeeded.
Gosh, @Rei26, you sound very ill.
Are things better on the medication like do you feel these symptoms are more under control?