Schizophrenia.com

My schizophrenia

How long have you been sick? Sometimes, it can take years to process things and recover somewhat. I think that’s what is happening to me. I was so sick I could not feel anything including reality. I thought I was having Cotard’s Syndrome and ■■■■.

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I have first records of me acting strange from February 2018.

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My schizophrenia can make me cry - not at random or inappropriate times, but when it wants to. More precisely, the process controlling the voices seems to be able to control crying as well.

The voices have told me in advance that “We’re going to make you cry now” and then I started crying. There were fake/inserted thoughts related to the “reason” that would make me feel sad (I saw an item that “reminded” me (via fake thoughts) of the owner of that item, the good old times, and that she’s now living her own life, while I have the most pointless life ever). But since they were fake thoughts I could not react to them in any way (become sad or cry), and even those fake thoughts weren’t there when I started crying - I had a completely blank mind at the time.
Then the voices told me to associate the crying with the sad topic (of the fake thoughts). That was another way for my schizophrenia to mess with me - the voices/fake thoughts have already earlier wanted me to “associate” things, for example that walking equals less torture (which appeared to be true). They’ve said it would impact me badly (in the afterlife) if I associated things that appeared to be related.

The voices have told me more than once that “they’re” going to make me cry, and indeed I started to cry - for no reason (other than the process controlling the voices wanted me to), and while my mind was blank.

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While I was in the hospital, one of the theories presented to me via inserted thoughts/voices was that there is a group of beings who have been suffering from torture for some ridiculously long time (like 50 million years). My schizophrenia made me believe I was in contact with those beings, and I was told I’m going to be dragged into that state of torture after I die. “They” also mentioned that while I’m being tortured there will be a menu written in my head, which I can interact with to try to escape that torture (“they” said it would take also a ridiculously long time to escape it, if I can escape it at all).

Later when I came home I read from the notes I had written earlier that I had a visible menu written in my head (that event was erased from my memory some time after writing the notes, and I didn’t remember it in the hospital).

Is there a bigger plot behind this, and were those inserted thoughts and/or voices reading off a script?
Or is that just a coincidence?

I also assume most schizophrenics do not hallucinate a menu written in their visual field.

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An addition to this:

One day I heard music while shopping. For just a few seconds, my schizophrenia switched on the enjoyment of music, as if to show it can do it, and then off again. The question why it does not let me enjoy things permanently remains; I don’t think I’ll ever find the answer to it (although right now an inserted thought claimed I’ll find it out after death, when I’m going to be tortured).

An exception to this is that these days I can still feel the good in taste (which my schizophrenia also has the ability to remove - sometimes it does it in the middle of eating something and then it is more noticeable).

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How my schizophrenia is messing with me right now:

  • The combination of inserted thoughts and voices: first an inserted thought comes saying I’m going to be tortured after death, then a voice says that’s a lie; sometimes voices claim the opposite by saying the fake thoughts are actually telling the truth, and that the voices are lying. Now the voice said they’re not allowed to tell me why they’re doing it, but before I’ve been told it’s to tell me what’s going to happen to me after death, so I would try to escape this schizophrenia
  • The pleasant taste has been turned off again; food is no longer tasty
  • Controlled dreams continue
  • It has made me again (2 times recently) feel fake will. First time was in a dream, “I” wanted to sit up, but couldn’t - it felt like I wanted it, but probably it was fake will (my schizophrenia can duplicate the feeling of moving my body willfully). After waking up the voice said “You just fought with yourself” (it was a hint of me torturing myself after death), and then inserted thoughts came saying it will “count” after death, when I’m going to be tortured. 2nd time was just after waking from a dream, it was a fake sleep paralysis - it felt like I wanted to move, but couldn’t, and “I” was making sounds with my mouth. Again it was apparently a fake feeling of will. It can make me feel like I’m doing or wanting to do different things, while actually I don’t.
  • Very often it makes me feel fake urge to pee (different from the real feeling). I’m being told it damages me (after death) if I follow that urge, but the “spirit” that controls my body goes to the bathroom anyway and there is nothing I can do. I’m told that each time is “written” into my soul, and will “count” after death.
  • Bad feelings continue, usually they are worse at night. Sometimes it inflicts an unbearable feeling on my left foot, which partially goes away when my leg moves, and comes back a bit after it stops moving; it can continue for a while. The feelings also go away when doing certain things, like checking this forum for new posts.

There’s more going on, but these ones, I’ve been told, have a reason behind them.

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Did you find a med that control your symptoms yet? Does seroquel help?

No, they upped the quetiapine (Seroquel) to 150 mg from 100 mg a few days ago, and still no effect.

Also, I mentioned to the pdoc that I read online that different ap-s seem to work for different people, and maybe I should try different ones. To that she simply replied: “You already have an antipsychotic”

For voice, usually need 300mg. Do you feel sedated on 150mg? Does it calm you down a little or stop the racing through?

Next appointment is in December, it will take a while to reach 300mg if she will increase it in increments of 50mg… and some are even taking 800mg. I wonder why she didn’t increase it to maximum dose straight away to see if that drug is even working for me.

I don’t feel sedated, there is nothing to calm down as I have zero anxiety, and I have no thoughts at all (therefore no racing thoughts) - as I mentioned my mind is blank, except for the fake ideas/thoughts produced by my schizophrenia, and they have not been affected by medicine.

Just be careful not to over-analyze things. That seems to happen with a lot of schizophrenics, everything takes on a sense of importance. It’s still just life, and sometimes you’ve got to wing it.

This disease has made me think and feel things I wouldn’t have normally felt. If you’re the type of person who blames yourself for negative thoughts (not saying you are, but some people are), you’ll have a hard time with this illness because it will insert negative or dirty thoughts of all kinds into your head at random sometimes.

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My schizophrenia can apply a “filter” to the entire visible area of my view that applies a certain vibe or emotional state to it. It can be “terrified”, “mocking”, “cruel”, “disappointed”, etc. Apparently this filter can be applied to both me, or “another person inside me”. For example the “cruel” or/and “disappointed” filter would seem to be applied to the “another person inside me”, apparently to express their attitude towards me (this often happened when I was being constantly accused by the inserted thoughts about things I’ve done wrong in my life, perhaps to connect those inserted thoughts with that “another person inside me”, as if to express that person would be thinking such thoughts about me). It does not make me believe there is a person inside me - I can see that person is only theoretical, or imaginary. Sometimes it starts physically messing with my body (such as doing faces, and/or swinging with my arms all over the place) and displays related mental images right after displaying such “filter”, as if trying to annoy me, or to express that I should be annoyed by such doings.

Often it uses such “filter” to express emotions/situations that are completely alien to me - ones that I can’t even name, but somehow am able to understand.

In other news, the pleasant taste turned on again for a while, but it turned off as soon as I took the first bite of a cake and felt the delicious taste. The voices said they did it.

In my childhood I had a couple of times a nightmare where I felt like I was being crushed by something infinitely big, dense, heavy and hard. There was nothing else, nothing to be seen, only that feeling.

Shortly after coming home from the hospital, my schizophrenia produced exactly the same feeling, while I was awake. The feeling was quite unpleasant. I wonder if my “schizophrenia” could have been messing with me back when I was a child.

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I had something similar in childhood.
Something like nightmare, overwhelming, coming again and again. It was a feeling and not something visible

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my schizophrenia is light compared to you guys. i am mostly in control and only half of me is affected. it is still very confusing. it feel like a time delay sometimes, a warp. it is such a bother to make me work extra hard just to maintain. i get so angry sometimes, double the work just to sit and watch youtube.

I had nightmares as a child too. I don’t remember them now.

Right now, out of the blue, it produced an intense smell of “enemy”. How can something even smell like enemy?

And now the fake thoughts/voices told me it was a clue. ???

An addition to this:

Earlier, while pacing in the corridor, “I” (or the “spirit” that controls my body) looked at that man, and he snapped at me “Don’t look at me! Spirit,” followed by profanities.

Sleep paralysis is a real thing, I’ve had it a few times. It’s pretty scary, but normal. When I feel like this, I just remind myself it’s temporary, and that maybe there was something in the dream I still needed to solve. Sometimes I doze back off, and sometime I can finally move. The real big thing here is not to panic, anxiety makes it worse.
As for the negative feedback, I try to ignore the negative voices. When I focus my mind on the visions I can usually find one that’s saying good things. If I have to listen to voices, its better to listen to the nice ones rather then to the disturbing ones.

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When dealing with delusions, hallucinations, personal beliefs, and a “reality based upon non-schizophrenics” I try to walk a path in my life that I would take no matter which story is true.