My voices also tell me to kill them all.
Sometimes they refer to my grandma or parents
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They do? Iām sorry they tell you that but Iām glad Iām not alone. I donāt know how you handle it. I am suicidal because of it. I hate the idea of hurting someone but I keep finding myself thinking maybe I should just do it like they say. Thatās happening a lot today.
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I know I am not these voices. I know that they are demonic in nature.
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I am stuck going between thinking these voices are a product of my mind and a product of a supernatural force.
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I know they are product of my mind, but I donāt believe it. I believe itās real entities
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I think itās a product of my mind. Thatās the most logical conclusion isnāt it? The voices are still trying to convince me that Iām a god and that this world is a creation of my mind. Trying to convince me to kill. I canāt take it.
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Talk frankly to your pdoc.
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My mom has a meeting so she has to move the appointment to tomorrow. They didnāt schedule me for a crisis appointment so thatās good. I donāt know what my mom told them, but she said I donāt qualify for inpatient. My mom said they probably wonāt change my meds either. This has me wondering what theyāre actually going to do. Probably nothing. I hope Iām wrong.
Why is your mom making the appointments? Can you do they hear it from you?
Well my mom has to take me and pay, so I have to run these things by her. I asked her if she would take me to the hospital and then she started calling around. She sets up all of my appointments.
Thatās nice of her.
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Yeah my mom is really awesome. Still I find myself annoyed by her. I donāt know why. I feel annoyed by my whole family except for my cat.
Actually I do sometimes find myself annoyed by the cat.
No relationship is perfect. We all feel tense at different times with different people.
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My thoughts are becoming violent. I thought my annoyace might be why, but Iām not sure.
I know Iām not supposed to be talking to the voices, but a little while ago I had a really nice conversation with one, about life, death, and the state of my mind. It tried to get me to come to a conclusion about what these voices are (wayward thoughts basically). They are different than normal thoughts, more alive. I donāt know why that is. I think everyone has these wayward thoughts from time to time, be it a critical voice, a conscience, or an impulse of sorts. Mine are just more present I guess. I donāt understand why. I donāt understand my mind. Do I really have schizoaffective disorder? Maybe.
The letters on my keyboard are going in all kinds of directions again. Thatās one of my typically mild hallucinations, though I do occasionally have more complex ones. I donāt even see my keyboard like that all the time, so why do I think my mom might be able to see it?
Voices keep mentioning the seed in my soul. Iām trying to convince myself itās not real, but Iām not being very successful. Now theyāre telling me to go get the baseball bat again. At least Iām not in pain.
They arenāt going to lock you up for a long time @Sardonic. It isnāt like the old days anymore. You have some insight into what is going on, as youāre on here explaining how things are for you at the moment. Thatās a positive sign. All youāre doing is just being honest about how you think and feel at the moment. Please seek help, you really need it. Things can be so much better for you.
Thanks @Sezbot241. I donāt know whatās going to happen. I donāt think my mom called back to reschedule the appointment. I think she called a new psychiatrist though. Whatever happens, I have to be honest. Though truthfully I donāt know how much longer I can handle these violent voices. I donāt know if I will act on them. I donāt want to wait until it gets so bad that I feel like I have to act. Thatās why I want to kill myself as soon as possible, if no one will take me seriously. Thatās what it seems like right now. People arenāt taking me seriously. Thatās a problem. The voices are saying I have to kill my grandpa. Theyāre telling me to just go get the baseball bat. I canāt handle this.
Why am I this way?
@Sardonic, Please listen to us. Do NOT get the baseball bat! DO NOT kill your grandpa. Whatever you do or think in your mind, whatever the voices say, do NOT obey the voices. The voices are a product of your schizophrenic mind. Do NOT obey them. At all costs ignore them. Please!!! If you have to, call 911, the police will come and evaluate you immediately if you call 911, and you wonāt have to deal with your mother. She wonāt have a say in whether or not you are hospitalized. It will be between you and the police. The police will NOT put you in jail. They will place you in a psych ward. Please call 911. I am very worried about you. G-d bless you.
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