I went to look for the baseball bat, couldn’t find it anyhow. I found a hammer, but I thought to myself “what the hell am I doing?”, so I left. I don’t know if I am capable of killing anyone, and I wouldn’t much like to find out. I just need to chill out. Voices are telling me to kill and that sucks, but I need to calm down. I haven’t actually done anything. I’m just scared I will. My appointment was moved to tomorrow. I can wait until tomorrow before I kill myself. Maybe they will help. I need help.
You can call 911 and tell them you are having a psychiatric emergency. That you are hearing voices to attack your family and you are very close to acting on them. That you also have serious suicidal ideation.
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I think I can make it to the appointment. I don’t need to call 911. It’ll be okay, I’m telling myself that they’ll help.
I definitely hope so. Looking for the bat is a pretty bad sign as to your ability to refuse the voices. In your appointment you gotta tell them how dangerous your state of mind is becoming . You will be taken to a mental hospital and NOT a jail. You just have to be honest.
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I agree. Please call 911.
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Now my mom wants me to wait until the 29th. I told her I don’t think I can wait. She hasn’t answered yet. She’ll probably say I can wait. She doesn’t know I went to look for the baseball bat. I don’t want to tell her. The voices are saying get the hammer just to have it. I think that’s a bad idea. What’s the next step? I don’t need to call 911, I can wait until this afternoon. I just have to do a better job of ignoring the voices.
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Sounds like a good idea 
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If you can’t wait until the 29th, call 911. Do not touch the baseball bat or hammer. You don’t want to have a slip of the mind and actually do it. Put safeguards in place. Is their anyone else’s house you can visit?
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I can’t call 911. There’s no way in hell my mom would be okay with that. My mom’s not taking me to my appointment today. My mom said I’d end up in a state hospital where they strap people down and use strait jackets. There’s no way in hell I’m going there. No. She said I do not want to end up there. She said don’t try and kill myself just because I want to go to the hospital. She doesn’t get it. I want to kill myself so I don’t hurt anyone. But I’d have to make sure it would work. Like, I’d have to be sure. Maybe I should just take the hammer to my own skull. I don’t know how that would work. It feels like there’s no way out of this situation. I don’t have anyone to visit no.
Your mom is thoughtful, kind, and loving. But she is not always right. Why can’t you go to a local hospital? Why can’t you see a doctor sooner than the 29th? A state hospital does not necessarily mean restrained.
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There are no beds at any local hospitals. My mom wants me to see a new psychiatrist so she called and her earliest appointment is on the 29th. My mom says state hospitals are a bad place to be.
Basically how it goes is, I’m having a problem but I’m not having an emergency. All I have to do is keep myself from touching any potential weapons and stop myself from looking through my grandpa’s pills. I have to suffer through. I’ll try to make it. Voices telling me to kill my cat. Telling me to just do it. I love my cat. I don’t want to hurt her. Maybe this is what it’s like when the darkness catches you.
911 is for emergencies only. This is not an energency. I need to figure out how to push through. Is it normal to get commands in your thoughts? Because my mom calls them command hallucinations and impulses. The voices are thought-like but are they thoughts? Yes, they are a different brand of thought, wayward thoughts. Can I handle them? Sometimes my mom says I’m doing a good job, but other times she gets mad because I’m not trying hard enough. Now they’re wanting me to kill the dog. “Nobody likes that stupid dog.” I have images of going to get the hammer and beating her to death with it. That’s wrong.
The darkness hasn’t caught you. Light makes everything visible. You are able to see what’s going on inside and around you. You are able to understand what people are telling you. That’s light. The ER can’t turn you away if you are a danger to yourself for others. Are you in the states? Bed shortages don’t continue for days on end. Beds become available every day. You just have to be on the list for one. I want to make sure your mom is telling you the truth.
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I didn’t have thoughts like this before, not to this magnitude. And I’ve had voices warning me I would hurt people for a very long time. I thought it was the voice of OCD but now I know better. It was a warning. Maybe there is light. There is a force pushing me to kill, but there’s also a force pushing back. I have a conscience. I know that killing is wrong unless you’re doing it in self defense or for food or for something like that.
A couple of hospitals are only taking people from the ER, and the others don’t have beds. I’m pretty sure my mom didn’t put me on a list. I am perhaps too dependent on my mom, but I don’t have any other way to survive. It doesn’t matter because this is not an emergency. The hospital probably won’t help anyway. My mom says my meds are doing what they’re supposed to and that the rest is on me. She says being in the hospital won’t help me, basically that it’ll be an expensive waste of time. I don’t remember everything from my other times being there, and my mom is mad about that.
You have the right understanding. OCD instrusive thoughts and voices can be similar. Both are distressing.
I understand what your mom is saying about the hospital. It is said to me, too. We can’t live in the hospital. It is appealing sometimes because you know you are safe there (and everyone else is, too). But you bring your thoughts with you, and when you come out it is just as hard. It’s a needed break sometimes though.
It would be helpful if you could build some additional support. Maybe take an easy class at the y, or join an in person support group.
Sometimes the voices sound just like thoughts and sometimes they are louder. I don’t know what to make of them. The whisper says “kill her (the dog), no kill yourself.” This is not going well. I am distracted by these voices. They’re saying the beings are real and that they’re not thoughts. You’re right I need to find more social things to do. I’m not really big on socialization because I always feel like people hate me.
I am 19 years old, considered an adult yes.
You are an adult, @Sardonic, there’s nothing your mother can do to stop you from getting the care you need, if you really want it. Your home state will pay for all your care at a state hospital and will pay for all of your medications. You or your mother might not believe it but believe me, you are in an emergency situation right now. You are fully justified in calling 911 right now. The police, I am sure, will agree with me and everyone else here on this forum that you are in need of emergency care. Please call 911. You can do it. You are not a child anymore. You don’t need your mother’s approval.
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