I keep having memories of a time when I lived in a different town years before I went schizo. I’m in a library delivering for jimmy johns. Thinking everyone is telepathic and my mental behavior is as important as my physical. In the past I somehow had days where it was like that and days where it was not. I had forgotten about it entirely. Maybe it’s a false memory but I think my thinking in those days really crafted the experience I’m living through now. It’s so troublesome to go through this and feel like a good person. I’m so critical of myself. I created a new world to live in and it’s terrible.
I can’t even imagine what it must be like to have something like this sprung on you…to have to deal with memories of when life was normal…it almost makes me glad that I’ve always been this way. I don’t have anything to compare this to.
I think human beings are really strong, and that includes you. You’re managing to adapt to this new life that’s so much harder and that’s really amazing. I think you could take pride in that.
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Thanks Anna. Sometimes I’m on top and in control and other times it’s overwhelming. I’m glad I lived a normal life before this. I made a lot of friends and I still rep the benefits from that. I basically have to turn myself into a “perfect person” mentally if I want to be happy with myself. It’s tough, so much of it is not thinking and breaking behavioral patterns. It’s just really weird to get telepathic messages from people real or not. At least I can recall the primordial mix of things I was going through which formed this schizophrenic framework. It makes it seem less real.
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I can recall my first psychotic break, but I didn’t recognize the repercussions at the time. Transitioning into delusional thought was like slipping into a warm bath. It was very discreet in the beginning but escalated from there.
It’s easier to recognize now but it’s just so subtle. I could be delusional at this very moment without the slightest idea my thought-processes have become warped.
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Yeah man. It felt like something I was supposed to do. 3 years later and I’m just now finding solidarity and sense of self that is reasonable.
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I can look back to a time when I was well adjusted, but I can see the seeds of my decomposition even then. I also remember in high school sitting in class so scared I felt like something had to break inside me. I didn’t think you could be that scared and not do damage to yourself.
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Interesting I can kind of see my path to psychosis pretty clearly. I’ve basically developed an internal superconscious which watches me and tells me when I’m being bad. I’m working on developing a feeling of love for all things. I believe I’m already feeling it I just have to tune in. Focusing on that is much preferable to this introspective nightmare.
I long for earlier days before it was triggered. Part of the problem is knowing that I used to be “normal” and really enjoyed life, family, friends, work, community, and my person spirituality. Fighting it makes things worse, but it’s difficult to accept the latter.
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When and if I was ever ‘normal’ is beyond my recall. I went from problems and no diagnosis to problems with a diagnosis.
Amen to that @Firemonkey, I know that all too well.
I’m in @Anna 's boat. I was never “normal” I was hit young with this. I have nothing to compare my state of mind to.
That is how I try to describe sneaky brained thinking… small… gentle and then it’s escalated.
Also there are times where I get through my day, but have no idea the sneaky brained thinking has gotten a hold until things don’t seem to make sense anymore.
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It just sucks in my second reality. That which happens in my mind. I became a thought broadcaster I can ignore it if I want but that’s the scenario I’m continuously dealing with. I’m getting better at it. Brain silence at least periodically will bring me peace. To be free of impulse just feeling not thinking.
That is a lovely state of being and I love hitting that… feeling not thinking…
For me… that’s what swimming is for. I don’t have to think about anything when swimming… it’s just feeling.
The only thing to see is the line at the bottom of the pool… no real noise… not a team work sport so no people to keep track of… just 21 strokes… flip turn… 21 strokes … flip turn… repeat… repeat…
Maybe a good run or a workout at the gym? Tread mill? just feel and leave the mind behind.
A good suggestion, but as a smoker I fatigue easily. I’m trying to find a more all encompassing approach to mental control.
Running puts me in the zone but I still have the occasional psychotic thought.
(probably because there are TVs in the gym).
Whew… no T.V.'s in a swimming pool… 
I tried getting into swimming a while back — it’s much better for full-body conditioning, but I’ve been a runner since I was a kid so I stick to what I’m good at.
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i have memories but it isn’t a lot of things, things have been coming back gradually but i have forgotten a huge amount, i think we suppress a lot of these memories, buried deep within our unconscious minds and it only surfaces when we get to a certain point of recovery thats my personal experience of it anyway,
idk why i suppressed my childhood memories like that maybe i didn’t want anyone to see me as a child, maybe i decided to push that part of me away for whatever reason, some of it has come back to me though and i like that.
i didn’t start to get problems until i was about 14/15 yrs old so i have a lot to remember 'not that i’ll remember all of it though.
some things i do remember includes
- youth club
- swimming class
- climbing the church roof and throwing tiles off (flooding the church)
- getting money from ‘scrambles’ at weddings
- shouting ‘scramble’ at a funeral and having the minister come to our door to complain
- jumping gardens and smashing greenhouses
- drinking and smoking
- stealing from my mum
- stealing from shops
- fighting
- playing football
i was a bit naughty but i got better,
from 0-5 i was noisy then i think i was ok from age 5-12 then naughty from 12-14 then brief period of normality followed by pre-sz symptoms, then i worked from 16-19 and was diagnosed at about 19/20 yrs old then 20-27yrs over medicated, then 27-32 doing better in recovery until present lol,
my whole life in a nutshell lol, the blink of an eye.
I dunno if you ever saw my telepathy coping post on here, but I broke my thought broadcast delusion by forcing myself to just think all the worst thoughts all the time that I was trying so hard to control. (Trying to control thoughts is exhausting and futile) Then nothing happened, people didn’t treat me weird, or start hating me or anything so I eventually got over the worst of it. Maybe you could try the same? Just let it all out, haha.
The media is so poisonous sometimes I feel. Like I can be doing completely fine and all of a sudden something related to what’s going on in my inner world just happens to pop up and then I get sent spiraling.
It would probably be better to give it up altogether, but I would rather get set off than give up my favorite shows to be honest, haha. The lack of sleep when it happens is irritating, but whatever.