When I look back over times that I’ve been psychotic I have unusual ways that I remember things. Things look different. I remember in little movie clips or pictures. And they seem odd. Tell me what your memory is like. Is it different? Dreamlike?
My memory for that part of my life is very blurry, so I don’t know if it’s different or if there’s just less of it.
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Great question honestly I’m gonna have to think about that. Certainly they were different memories being psychotic. I was kinda out of control but on a path. Honestly I think of it like a roller coaster. I was strapped in on a ride of a lifetime. I almost felt invincible like nothing too terribly bad could have happened, thinking back. Well I guess I’m lucky nothing did happen past getting arrested a few times and that’s probably why I feel this way. I feel like I was on a thrill ride, but I never could’ve gone totally off the rails because of god or something purely (just my belief)
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I think about it and can’t comprehend it, even not step by step cause its so traumatic, it looks foolish today unlike the past.
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TRIGGER WARNING
I remember at the start of it all me yelling at my landlord through the walls. I lived above him.
Then, I remember taking a hit of my water pipe as I saw and heard many soldiers click magazines into their assault rifles in the forest at night. As if to engage (shoot at) me. It was probably just raining. I lived in the middle of nowhere so it was eerie. Luckily I had my parents there and after similar events such as these, I was diagnosed SZA. Lol.
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I then woke up on the ground, looking up. Who knows how long I was out. I should probably tell a doctor or counselor about it but eh I hate reliving it a bunch. This was 4 years ago.
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I’ve been taking supplements for memory and I have the same experiences as you @Leaf . maybe it’s just our minds telling us to look at those memories from a different perspective.
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I kind of look at my psychosis objectively. I look back on those first two years of solid psychosis and I don’t really put myself in that state of mind.
I remember that I was really sick, I remember the hospitals and shuffling through the hallways and I know I was sick but I was never able to describe to anyone what I went through.
I’ve been evaluated a dozen times or more and when they ask me what’s wrong with me I can’t put into words that people understand. Part of the problem too is that for most of those early years I looked and sounded normal. I used to always make sense when I talked and I have had therapists and psychiatrists tell me that if they hadn’t read my charts they would have neve been able to tell I was sick.
But anyways, I know I’ve suffered and went through hell and I would kind of want to put myself back in the frame of mind to remind myself of how sick I was. But it’s kind of like looking back and trying to describe an LSD trip. It’s hard to put into words.
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It has been 10 plus years since I was psychotic. The strong emotions from those specific memories have all but disappeared. I remember I was in a lot of pain, but don’t feel it now. So it is more like a slide show.
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