My childhood was so surreal…I was so detached from reality I don’t really know why my parents never did anything…
I hallucinated regularly…reality wasn’t fluid…I never really understood anything that was happening…I had memories that hadn’t happened…
It seems like the more I began to distinguish between “my world” and the “real world” the unhappier I became. The more reality solidified the more my anxiety and depression grew. Now I’m absolutely miserable but more in touch with reality than ever.
I think about the past quite often. I’m told we aren’t supposed to but for me my past is like this insane mystery I want to unravel. Everything was so, so weird.
I don’t really want anything to do with the present currently. 99 percent sure I failed the exam I just took, and I have a pdoc appointment early tomorrow and feel embarassed to admit my psychotic symptoms came back after being minimal or gone for a long time. (I hope she still just sticks me w anti-anxiety meds)
I’m very good at living anywhere but the present really.
I used to be in the same boat as you. And my childhood sounds very similar. Reality will only become “clearer” too which is good thing, and as you get older you’ll get better at living in the present, you’re smart and it will happen. It’s a weird process if you’re the same as I am but it will happen. I never thought I could figure it out but I’m starting to more and more.
Sorry your exam didn’t do too well but don’t stress on it too much is all I could say I guess.
I mean things were so strange back then that for all I know bad things did happen to me and it just blended into everything else that I was experiencing at the time. I have no real way of knowing. I shouldn’t go down that road though I don’t think.
I hope you feel better and I admire you for staying in school and keeping your eye on the outcome of getting your degree.
A lot of people I know would have given up. Congratulations for always working to do to the best you can.
It’s hard when psychosis hits so young. There are a lot of people on here who were diagnosed in college. They got to know themselves pretty well before things crumbled.
My parents have been saying they think my epic melt down when I was 5 was mostly likely a psychotic episode. I don’t remember it… but they sure do.
I don’t know which is better… parents who let you be like your parents… or parents like mine who took me to child therapist… family therapist… doctors… behavioral therapist… on and on. I do appreciate that my parents tried to be super proactive… but as I kid… I hated it. I just wanted to go play… not go to another doctor.
I have always had a surreal childhood. So much of it couldn’t have been true. But in my head… what I was seeing and reacting too was so real… it was more then solid… it was sharp hyper solid.
I can’t dwell on my past… the confusion… the guilt… I can make up for the past by trying to make the now as good as I can. I know other people can really look at their past and pick it apart find the problem and move on.
I can’t and most likely shouldn’t.
@Anna I’m rooting for you and I hope you find a doc you like and one that will restart you getting on the right track. School will even out. Please don’t be so hard on yourself about the test.
Thanks for kind words J…about to go see my pdoc now…very anxious. They closed the exit I usually take on the highway to get there and that threw me for a loop ha!
I hope I find a good therapist as well…I’ll try to keep moving forward.
I admit that I sometimes get stuck in the past. I remember how my life was before and wish I could get back to how things were. It’s hard sometimes trying to press forward.
I think a lot about the past. A lot of it I’ll relive again at any time. … but I’ve done some harm to people along the way during my delusional and paranoid times. Not physical harm but personal ■■■■. I messed with someone’s career through my paranoia. I messed up relationships through my delusions. Things that can’t be undone. It’s things like that, that make not to like some parts of my past.
Wondering which girl “at the scene of the crime” you would relate to most: 1) The one who looked away. 2) The one who look at it and felt nothing. 3) The one who looked at it and went bonkers. 4) The one who decided to bring the bad guy to justice.
I always think about those things. I’d like to think my reaction would be to get to safety and then call the police. But you never know how you’re going to react in extreme situations until you’re in them, honestly.