Hospitalized back in May, put on meds (seroquel and venlafaxine), initial dosage worked gr8, now the meds seem to do nothing more than keep me in a slight fog all day and make it possible for me to fall asleep. Can’t find a psychiatrist to up the dosage. Tried calling the psych who saw me in hospital, but he didn’t understand my message. Scared to call him back but I need my meds fixed.
I sleep for at least eight hours a day if possible. I’m tired when I’m awake. If something upsets me I want to go right back to bed. I know I’m depressed. My self-care is awful. Most days I do not eat. My memory is ■■■■. Suspicious. Paranoid. Cynical. Spacing out a lot. Hearing voices more often. Having instances of “inserted thoughts” where an angry voice insists negative things I don’t want to believe are actually true, and encourages me to act out. (I don’t.)
Two suicide attempts this year, one resulting in hospitalization in May, the other no big deal. They didn’t even call my therapist to tell her.
Haven’t seen my therapist or my probation officer in close to two months. Scared to see them. Worried they will tell me I haven’t been doing what I’m supposed to do, and put me in jail, or put me back in the hospital indefinitely. Don’t feel like they care. Don’t feel like anybody cares, really. Suspicious that they are both waiting for me to get in touch so they can punish me.
Some major issues going on at home with my son, who has ADHD, is on the autism spectrum, and is showing signs of a developing psychotic or mood disorder. He’s suicidal. Of course I blame myself as the parent. We’re trying to get him the services he needs but it’s an uphill battle. I feel sure he is going to kill himself. I feel there’s nothing I can do to prevent it.
Now I find out we’re going to be investigated by DCF. Due to being on probation, I might be arrested just for being under investigation, because I’m not supposed to get into any trouble and I haven’t been keeping up with my probation or my therapy. If I go to jail the kids will go into foster care.
I want to run away. I want to stop taking my meds. I want to sleep for a hundred years. I want to skip to the end of this year. Maybe I want to skip to the end of my own life.
I’m married but he has his own issues and a social life so he doesn’t do much to help me out unless I am actively in crisis – he will remind me to eat / make me food or insist I need to go to the ER, but outside of that he pretty much lets me do my own thing. This is good when I’m healthy but right now I really need help and I am terrible at asking for help. I never ask for help, more accurately.