Monday afternoon - Got the fan blowing on me - a little cool. Taking a break from cleaning up for the maids - I have to trick myself into doing this. Too much time spent away…
I’m watching the leaves come out on my little trees. I can see them through my open door. My piece of ground.
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17/3/15
My little bros birthday soon. Wonder if he even knows I’m still alive or even cares?
Seems my anguish is all I’m able to actually write about these days. Think it’s always been the case stuff like this…
The pit of darkness never fails
Anger seeps through and all I feel
Many days of sleep, nights unaided
Wake to an emptiness I face alone
No idea how to share this feeling of all hope gone
Self hatred, self destruction
Why not I am already dead
Or that’s how I feel.
Four years ago or so a friend S rang me up. She was the group leader of the offline support group I went. She was informing me of Karen’s suicide. Anyway as we where talking I pretty much pening a letter/poem I guess you’d call it to Karen. Weird how some can make such an impact on us and some we seem to let go in a instant. But had written that at the time that I’d have troubles with it. Haven’t looked at what I had written about it for awhile. Phone was right by my PC at the time so was using that.
Karen,
I’m sitting in front of the computer because I heard the news you took your own life.
While I thinking of what to write and dreading the things that were never said, realising I can never say them now.
I feel like a failure as a friend as you couldn’t tell me what you were going through then and what has led to this course of action.
Things weren’t always good and we both said some things, but I felt we moved on from that the last time I saw you.
What I can remember was your childlike innocence as you had me on the phone one Saturday night telling bad jokes to you for six hours straight.
We spoke a lot that night more than we had ever spoken in the years that we had passed each other’s sight.
When we met a generosity to a stranger, you offered me a lift home, mind you I only had a couple of drinks but you wouldn’t let me drive.
Still, I knew you were right! Even if it was a lifetime ago.
I am glad I got to know the real you for the short time we really had together, somewhere in-between the stupid games that we played for so long.
Still there is an emptiness, something unsettled, a sadness, a loss. I guess it’s the part that’s having trouble saying goodbye.
[Name withheld]
Not sure how well I do write tbh. An internet friend tried to push me into a short story comp. I chickened out in the end. But expressing stuff in poetry etc was something that seemed to impress Karen. I’ve only really ever written about my own anguish. More so in relationships. So it just sad my feelings for her were expressed but way to late.
Tried a few times to write a genetic poem on the effects of suicide. As most are directed at the memory of the person. I wanted one that dealt with it for everyone. Mine just turns into a angry letter every time. . As S said once that probably extremely healthy.
I’m still hoping this is all a delusional. That none of this is real. I so much need to talk to her. I need to understand why she did it.
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I’m feeling beligerent about now. The reasons must be there. Partly it’s feelings but partly not. Sometimes I don’t let things get to me…things are ok otherwise. Where does a good day descend into a bad one? So that’s my psychological take.
Great song. I don’t think there is really a reason why someone commits suicide. When a person is paranoid or numb inside it can happen. I think a person takes a gamble on life because a person might she survive a suicide but still feel empty inside. Life is funny that way. It’s sad to hear from someone who lost a love one because sz can bring thoughts that trigger these feelings of just doing it.
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Haven’t had any fluctuating moods lately, they’ve been pretty flat. Not up, not down, not good not bad. Had the idea to get out of the house and go to the library this week, but then I got paranoid and decided I wanted to stay home. I wasn’t planning to go today, sometime Friday or Saturday when I could get a ride there from my parents.
I don’t know guess I just didn’t see the point of going all the way out to the library. Don’t have a book I want to check out, have plenty of them on my kindle to read. Don’t want to just sit there reading my kindle because I don’t like people walking around me and looking at me. Maybe I should save my energy for the end of the month when I go up to Iowa for my Grandma’s 90th birthday party. I have such a large family on that side of the family. My dad had 6 sisters and 4 brother’s…each have been married at least once and have one kid though the average I would think is about 2-4 kids. Half of them are married and have their own families going.
I love my family but the thought about being around all those people all weekend long in Iowa, in a small town I was born in, but only visit about once a year for a few days really has me panicking about having anxiety attacks. I know that sounds strange as I type that…I’m panicked about possibly having a panic attack? Since I don’t see them on a regular basic most of my family doesn’t know about my illness, I try to keep that way. I’m just very nervous about going up there for some reason.
my heads been fried the last couple of days 
need to calm down i think, need to chill,
was in town today and got a record and a cd so i am putting that on soon.
signing off
Wednesday March 18, 2015
Two days ago I started pulling weeds in the yard, and the washer is ready but the septic was full, so it took a lot of cash to get it cleaned. I’m definitely more active, in fact, I even chatted with new people and family, so this is a good sign. With my illness I couldn’t remember people, I’m not sure if it’s a symptom of sz or trauma. Prior to sz I was getting really bad migraines and chronic fatigue. Another good news I woke up early this morning and made boiled eggs and shakes for the kids. I also filed clothes and stuck some clothes in the dryer. My morning routine is finally coming back. No matter which way life leads to it seems always be painful, however one side can bring positive effects while the other s I decided is greater pain. So, there is difference in life, it’s not all hopelessness, maybe it is, it just two sides of it I think.
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Friday March 20, 2015
I was definitely not feeling well yesterday but because I have been working on self management I was able to see myself go through a terrible emotional experience of my illness sz. I felt this pain, migraine I think and then an overwhelming sense of negative emotions that were dangerous, harmful, a lot of anger, bitterness, resentment and I was fortunate to talk to myself and see myself in this horrible state of mind. I managed to stay in my room, continue with my schedule and not cause any trouble. It was like it wanted to take over my mind and hurt something. I don’t know where these emotional stresses come from possibly pain, suffering, abuse, trauma, the little girl inside crying for help. It’s seems to happen just a day two after my periods. My periods are so troubling, I have horrible experiences with PMS, pregnancies, where I become sickly. All of this seems to happen because of menstrual flow. I’m sure it’s not the direct cause, I’m sure it’s deeper then that. But I managed to get through the day successfully. My determination to get through all of this is much stronger I think then my illness. There are battles I feel, there are struggles within me. I feel the need to save whether it be to save myself and/or to save my children or both. There is a greater cause. I must fight these demons. I’m not interested in conforming to a statistic, a single statistic that say I have to be this I’ll. I feel the need to experience a journey that takes me to who I am meant to be. My dreams and goals are important. I’m not the blossoming flower of Spring I’m a catcher that is there forever, just there in the desert being nurtured by its environment sending love around it proximity
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“I’m a cactus” typo here keyboard error but it’s not catcher
Today has been a bad day for me with my voices. I woke up and the day was okay, but had a bit of a problem with my concentration. The day grew on…I got a note back from the courthouse saying I didn’t have to show up for jury duty and the negative voices have been having a field day with me ever since. They’re telling me I’m just being lazy, and the usual crap they tell me. It’s been hard to fight it, but the day’s almost over.
More depressing than hearing the voices is still having voices in my head even after my medication adjustment. I thought by now my body would get used to the change in dosage, but the voices are still there. And my concentration is still kind of shoddy.
I tried doing some writing and nothing was coming out good, still working on the scene and figured I’d save it for another day to see if I like it more when the voices aren’t so bad. Mom kind of gave me a scare because she had some testing done, and mentioned her doctor wanted to test her for cancer. Thankfully they didn’t find any, but just the thought frightened me.
Okay that was weird, my quilt looked like it just moved on its own…I know the kitty is lying under it, but this is on the other side, of the bed. Like it’s lightly going up, and going down. Going up, and going back down. Then it fades into like a watery motion, like waves. Then it stops. Then it goes up and down again. It’s not the cat. I know she’s on the other side of the bed, I can see the distinctive lump that is my kitty…this is on the flat side of the bed.
I’m going to take my meds and see if there’s anything I can find to watch. Not tired enough for bed, too much noise in my head to try and relax, because I was trying that earlier this evening and it didn’t work. Today’s just been so frustrating.
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My journal for today…
Woke up at noon. Did homework until my sisters’ birthday party. We took them to a salon with all their friends for “princess makeovers.” It was cute, but overwhelming.
When back home after and did homework and ran errands for parents.
Been having a lot of trouble with symptoms this week. Been fighting panic every night. Seeing things out of the corner of my eyes. Seeing all that trippy stuff too. It’s because my sleep is off because people in my family wake me up before I get the right amount of sleep. Hopefully when I get back on schedule next week I’ll improve.
Been stressing out about my next therapy session because I want to bring up the hallucinated abuse but have no idea how I’m going to do it and still really don’t want to but know it’s important.
I have to wake up early tomorrow to volunteer with the cats, which should be fun but it means I won’t get enough sleep again. Then heading back to school. I have to cancel a volunteering date I made and that gives me anxiety.
Things were mostly ok today. It’s just been a hard week for me with the symptoms, it’s made me kind of touchy as well. I’ve been getting weird feelings.
Dear diary,
Been absolutely exhausted from this last week. Just put in another maintenance request because the guy here did the caulking on the toilet/floor then he told me he is leaving in two weeks. I think if I don’t exchange information with him I will never see him again.
I have been absolutely obsessed with a guy I have been talking to for this last year but he just went quite. I don’t know what I did. Love. That’s what I want.
Went to church with my brothers girlfriend. It was so good to see her at peace. Hopefully I will make it to my own church tomorrow. I’m tired though. But these next couple weeks are important and I am already going to miss Bible study this week.
Captains log.
It’s been smooth sailing through the schizoid quadrant. The immediate terrors of this sector have proven to be utterly harmless. They are however effecting navigation and comms. It’s difficult to determine the nature of the phenomenon just through experience. Have to trust logic and fact. Perhaps someday we will make our way bake to the alpha quadrant.
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I experience anxiety often and panic attacks. I have a lot of hallucinating abuse. My brain has gone through so much since I was born and probably in the womb. I get vivid images of people that feel so real and scarey and all they want to do is terrorize me into fear. What do you think this is all about. Is there any truth to it or is it just memories transformed into hallucinations of fear? I was raised religiously and with a lot of different abuse types
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I don’t know…honestly the hallucinated abuse I experienced came out of NOWHERE. I never experienced any abuse. Ever. I had a good childhood. I didn’t even have negative attitudes towards sex or anything before it happened. That’s why it’s so deeply confusing to me and I wish I could find out more about why it happened. It’s one of the reasons why I keep feeling like it really was an evil spirit that did it to me instead of a product of my brain, but who knows.
I have a whole series of events that goes with it that I feel could also lead to evidence that it was an evil spirit. If you’ve actually experienced abuse it could very well be flashbacks in your case, amplified by the psychosis into actual hallucinations that it was happening again.
I really wish I had more answers. Like I said its been really hard finding other people who have had the same experience as me so I’m kind of drawing blanks.
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Saturday, March 21, 2015
I have been going through all kinds of crap. Literally crap. How important is education anyway? I mean really. Who are we kidding here. Should education be for everyone? Should public places be for everyone? I think I’m a conformist to some group out there. I must have found my niche by now. How important am I or am I even a statistic. I’m glad personally that we have the census, I can be counted in North America. Are my hallucinations and delusions true or false. Is there an existence. Does my brain wander into another place or something. The brain feels controlled and brain washed. Where are the little Leprechaun dad. Am I seeing the boogey man, the rapist, the blob. Where does this realms, places, things exist in my brain or just outside my brain being humored by the whole crap. On the continuous spectrum I’m chatting with an old boyfriend that is a good lesson for balancing out my own crap.
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It’s Saturday so, have a good time
I was lucky to find jaynebeal on here. She’s the only one I know whose had something close to my experience. Still very different though.
The only thing that comes to mind for me was actually a pretty cool experience.
I was in coitus in a dream and for some reason thought it was really happening which prompted me to try and wake up. For like a split second there was this translucent girl on top of me. Me waking up ruined it and she sort of climbed off/disappeared while simultaneously saying my name. In dissappointed why did you do that tone… Then I woke up again.
Anyways the ■■■■ you’ve been through sounds horrible. I haven’t heard anything like it either.
Thank You, you helped a lot. I was thinking suppressed deep memories but it takes a qualified psychiatrist or hypnoththerapist to help with deep hidden memories. You mentioned evil spirits, anything is possible. I have a lot of European Spanish Native American in me. Honestly, we believe in everything but we deny it ever happened. When my dad died I would see him around the same time he died. I would say, hello dad is that you. Why couldn’t you have had a normal decent burial, why be cremated. On his death papers his Indian name is Rain, my middle name is Lorraine. There are a lot of spirits in the family in the homes. I have always been sensitive, weak, stomach problems, sickly like, I think because I have seen way too much. I’m an old soul. In del Rio Texas there are museums of my family and old historic places of burial sites of when great grand parents were in the Indian Calvary.
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