Journaling for sz, let's start one here. I can show you

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Word of advice, be very careful if you try to go digging for memories.

Back a few decades ago there was a huge blowup in popularity of “repressed memories.” Basically one girl went into a therapist because of whatever issue, and she came out of therapy remembering she had been the victim of horrific cult abuse.

The issue? It was all a lie. None of it had actually happened. Due to prompting from her therapist the memories were sort of planted, and she was given these false memories of abuse which I’m sure caused her even more issues than she had originally. By the point they realized her memories were false, repressed memories had already grown popular in the field of therapy, and soon every other person blamed their issues on some hidden abuse.

The truth is that repressed memories do exist. But they are very rare. People who have experienced abuse typically rememember it, though their memory timeline may be scrambled or blend together. There are a very small group of people who completely lose memory, but again, it’s not a common occurrence.

I was really worried for a long time I was repressing something. But when I looked back on my childhood there weren’t any blocks of missing time I could find where abuse could have happened. I have pretty decent memory of being a kid. And it was also a pretty good time.

What I’m trying to say is, if you to your knowledge were not abused, it’s fairly safe to say you weren’t. I’m not saying it’s impossible you blocked something out, especially if you have large periods of missing time in your memory, but be careful. False memories can be just as damaging as real ones, as those cases in the past demonstrated.

That’s why I dropped that idea and figured it was either psychosis or an evil spirit for myself. Good luck with your search for answers. I hope we both get some in the end.

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It’s very true, it’s not good to get caught up into repressed memories because they can be made up. I think I fear my mother’s death. It’s strange and maybe not
understood but we have learned to hate loving our mother. I love my mother, I have spent time with her, but I love my mother and I have gone through some abuse. The reasons are very clear my mother was very sick with Tuberculosis, her son, my brother died, she experienced divorce and separation when she was young and a devoted Catholic girl. Our cultural roots are strong and our false plays. But my mother is someone I would miss dearly and I’m unprepared for when she dies. My mother is old. We all have our differences in our family but we cherish and adore our mother for her role in this life and her contribution to helping others and so forth. I feel that my sz psychosis is preplanned psychologically because I fear and see trauma just thinking about my mother’s death. Everyone in the family feels the same. We are spiritually rooted to our family veins from the roots of many lives gone. We could be playwrights. I believe each sibling in the family hates, has pain because of trauma and abuse, but we know it’s not our mother’s fault but the pain is strong. It’s difficult to explain but we have act out our lives based on our childhood experience. But I should continue to remind myself that I have my children too.And its most likely they feel this same way about me, because it’s culturally embedded.

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127

If you are up to it, it’s just an old Indian ritual. Why not get some sage and burn it for a week, and a some Native Indian music with it to drive the evil spirits away. Reading on how to rid evil spirits would be a good idea I used to help my sister and nieces. They had really bad ones. You can even sit and do an Indian prayer. You could do research on different ways to get rid of them. Or could be the psychosis, it doesn’t hurt to try getting rid of evil spirits.

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I see what you mean. I hope you can continue to heal, and that over time you will come to accept your mother’s death when it happens. I’m sorry that you had those experiences, and I hope the sz stops amplifying them…no one deserves that.

Actually I had wanted to do a sage purification ritual in that house for a long time. Heck I wanted to call a priest, I wanted to do SOMETHING. My friend and I put oil and salt over the windows to try to ward off demons, but looking back on it I think it was human not demon, so oil and salt would have been useless, and it was. The issue with burning sage would have been that my parents would have noticed and questioned me, and there was no WAY I was telling them about what I was experiencing. (My parents have 0 belief whatsoever in spirits.)

I’m fine now though. Once we moved away from the house it didn’t follow me (another reason why I think it was human). The attacks stopped when I got to our new house in a different state. (Which is weird if it was just psychosis-why would changing houses make it stop?)

Anyways thanks for the concern but I’m good now. No more spirits or anything around, as our new house was just built 5 years ago and we know the previous owners. So that’s a relief.

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Problem is there is not much help dealing with repressed memories. Seems only try and forget them and for me they come up again and again. Or bring more up that have nothing to do with the repeating memories.

Hard when the people involved aren’t even open to discussing it or anything in detail when it comes to me. Leading me to have nothing to do with them any more. Never really been that supportive especially mum who thinks I’m just faking it. Her first words to me my first hospitalization was “it’s your fault you’re in here.” Parenting 101 pass the buck.

Not sure what I do believe but the memories are constantly coming up. Last one I was triggered with about 6 months of constant memories of my childhood. Was during a med reduction. But wasn’t sure if I was just being triggered by someone else as pretty much happened around her. Add the loss of about 3 close people including a friends suicide in a few short years. It’s been a nightmare trying to get help with it all.

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Sounds rough man.

For me I’m barely a person inside anymore. It’s just blank. Every thought I do have takes half a second and I typically reject it and then it’s back to blankness.

I used to love science and technology and all the potential there. I’ve lost confidence and capability to think about that kind of stuff.

Ive got one memory that crops up every time people talk about memories. I’m pretty numb to it now but it’s still there. Like yep. That happened. Oh ■■■■■■■ well. I’ve got one other thing I regret more. Me and my friends pretty much ran a family out of town once. Was really ■■■■■■■ stupid. We should have had some respect. I don’t think about that one as much though.

Forgetting is a tough thing to do. Gotta make peace with the past.

Hope it clears up for you with time.

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Yes, true, people don’t know if your faking the repressed memories or not. It’s difficult to prove something that is just wrong no one wants to admit and take the blame or responsibility. It’s the sick feeding off the sick. I think that is why we have personality disorders, dissociative disorder. We are stripped of our humanity and become isolated for more repressed memories. It’s continuous cycles of abuse, it’s a feed for the criminal intent.

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The problem is we are probably having new repressed memories and those involved won’t let you forget. Some how we need to change the old channel or get a new television. I’m just saying to get better a person has to work through this, demand it, fight it, because no one wants to hand freedom away.

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Monday, March 23, 2015

A few days ago I actually spoke to myself. I said, I was being lazy. I haven’t heard that in awhile. It’s true and I started to think about things I could do to not be so lazy. I have been pulling weeds, cleaning the counters and washing and folding clothes, all on a regular basis.
Today I said, all my delusions and hallucinations are not real. How can they be real if I’m sick with a mental illness. I saw photos of how the brain looks on sz. If my brain is sick and doesn’t look like a normal brain then my delusions and hallucinations and thought disorders are not real. No one is messing with my brain, maybe my thoughts at times if I’m surrounded by other sick people or abusive people, but they are sick too. People can be mean but no one controls my brain, they would most likely chose a brain genius with a normal healthy brain. I’m just an average person in society that has an illness. No one wants my brain.

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Tuesday March 24, 2015

Today I thought about my hallucinations and delusions. I said, guess what my hallucinations, voices, delusions are nothing new. These hallucinations, voices and delusions are based on memories, not some great phenomenon or new scientific invention. There aren’t any miracles or amazing things in my delusions, voices, or hallucinations. I see things I remember from memories, from television, books, childhood, school, what other people said, what I said. There isn’t anything new in my hallucinate, delusions, and voices. If I watched a movies about dogs, I heard someone say I’m fat, heard over the radio a Christmas song “jingle bells” and I was doing a journalism paper, My hallucinations, delusions and voices would use all of those I mentioned, maybe even part of it or mix it up.
My senses and thoughts would use everything I got to manifest fear because of my illness. Movies that have all the elements of action, drama, comedy, horror, romance, emotions, and with great intensity. I would be in my illness. This could even happen with a book I read. Intense feelings and emotions that manifest fear and terror. It’s an illness.

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Dear diary,
I wish I had something shocking to say. I have nothing shocking to say. God has changed my blood and made me meek and uninteresting. He’s the only thing significant that ever happens to me. I wish I could go get a dragon tattoo right now or find drugs.
My twentys at 300 pounds because of resperdal or the blow of the diagnosis I can’t be sure. Finally starting to look like a woman and I’m just to old for anybody. Maybe he wants this.
I’m not depressed, in fact I’m hopeful. Maybe I can fake it. Gotta find a good way to make thought blocking look like brain freezes. My mom pushing me towards God…she isn’t even religious…? She thinks my church will take care of me.

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Finding your entries inspiring and thoughtful Bhhurl1, but also thinking about that spirit stuff. I know what you are saying and you presented it in a way I couldn’t express easily. Schizophrenia feels like a discord between the unconscious mind and will power and self control or control over our own minds and body. If I can’t control my mind, then who can? I put culture and politics into context, and start to think of schizophrenia as akin to the term witch for female prophet and how it still carries to this day. How backwards the world is now and knowing too, that I believe in the future people will look back at 2015 and see most of us as living like KINGS while the rest of the world starves. Also, our rights are starting to erode we need to protect the internet a voice from the future says it will not exist in the future save for wealthy or elite. The world is going to suck if we don’t fix it now.

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Hey Anna, I once had a dream that a fairy or angel told me to make a tea of calendula flowers and all would be revealed to me. I looked it up and the ancient correspondence is clairvoyance or psychic revelation. I also believe that Holy Basil Herb is something I sort of stumbled upon to protect me against night walkers. I also use Kava to relax. The Holy Basil did the trick though. I also purchased some rose bud flowers with that, but the night attacks stopped. It was draining. I still don’t know who is attacking me. I’m not sure if it is a presence or if its a shard of something bad from my soul or past.

Dear Diary,

I’ve been thinking a lot about letting things be. About letting go of pain and finding inner strength and stamina. I was meditating earlier, and pondering about past lives. I believe I am a mature not yet old soul, but how can such fragile waves like memories even embody such a human presence? How do we come back with memories slipping through our fingers like water? What is at the core of human existence that is true and eternal and pure?

How come woman have been so oppressed throughout time? Did we rule the last Earth incarnation?

I believe there are five worlds, four of which are earthly and the last is a summation of the four. The four exist in three dimenions, and two are parallel while one exists above us. I also think I am the reincarnation of some female prophet. I know it’s strange, but I have a strong compelling collection of memories and thoughts that keep making me think I’m related to the Bloodline of Christ directly and that I am directly descended from Christ and Mary who are not what the church made them out to be.

That they were mere heathens, and Mary was wealthy and heir to a throne but sacrificed and fled to Rome or something, because its me in all these lives. And I never show my powers, other than the clairvoyance and ability to walk between worlds. The statue of Mary being taken out of the Churches in Ireland, like if I dig into my own mind—I see the history of the world if I look deep enough and it crystallizes into a neverending beautiful endless mystery.

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Monday March 30, 2015

It feels like a lazy Spring day. It’s very bright and cheerful outside. I have been reading and watching movies related to schizophrenia. My concern is to get weight off and look better or closer to the way I used to. I don’t want to look like I have Schizophrenia, the illness is difficult enough. I found a site on the history of psychiatry. A YouTube video from a psychiatrist in India, it’s a lecture series. I really enjoyed the video.

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Stardate 20042015

It’s cold outside, there’s no kind of atmosphere,
I’m all alone, more or less.
Let me fly, far away from here,
Fun, fun, fun, In the sun, sun, sun.

I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose,
Drinking fresh, mango juice,
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes,
Fun, fun, fun, In the sun, sun, sun,
Fun, fun, fun, In the sun, sun, sun.

I’ll pack my bags and head into hyperspace
Where I’ll succeed at time-warp speed
Spend my days in ultraviolet rays
Fun, fun, fun, In the sun, sun, sun.

We’ll lock on course straight through the universe
You and me and the galaxy
Reach the stage where hyper-drive’s engaged
Fun, fun, fun, In the sun, sun, sun,
Fun, fun, fun, In the sun, sun, sun.

I’m sure they based Rimmer on me. I’m such a smeghead most of the time.

Anxiety is extremely high at night atm. I keep thinking someone’s breaking in at night. I think it stems from the meds knocking me out completely at night. I’m just feeling so vulnerable of late. But only at night. it’s messing with my sleep.

Oh yeah… I ’ m b a c k…(Insert evil maniacal laughter).

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Sunday April 15, 2015…

Thursday, as some may have read I gave myself a pretty big panic attack when I thought I overdosed on my medication. Turning the negative experience into a positive one could say because I was worried I’d die because of it means that I’m not 100% ready to bite the big one yet, despite how depressed I get sometimes…It’s a fact I have to look at later on when I get in one of those moods.

Today I had problem with a lot of noise in my head. It wasn’t so much voices telling me, it was like white noise, and rain mixed together going on all around me. Yes, it was raining pretty hard out for a while, but this was inside my head, it wasn’t the rain happening outside. I was trying to watch a movie with my parents but had to get up and go in the other room because I couldn’t take the noise in my head and the movie all at once.

Tonight my head has calmed down some. I’m just a little frustrated with all the amounts of anti-psychotic med’s I’m on I’m still having these problems, which makes me just a bit depressed.

All and all, this wasn’t the best week for me.

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Here’s hoping things will be better in the new week for you @sohare1981

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Today is one of those days where I’m overwhelmed again by that painful feeling that I’m not human. It’s stressful. I want to go home. This body is just an avatar I can use to interact with the physical world but it’s so restricting that sometimes it’s near unbearable.

Also I’m so sick of sex being everywhere. Make it go away. It’s being shoved down my throat wherever I look. I DON’T WANT SEX. I just wish I was somewhere far, far away from here.

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Meds aren’t perfect…hang in there.

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Yeah sex is best when it’s in its right place.

I do feel human. But the mind reading thing has made me feel different than everyone else.

You situation makes you feel more like a mind/essence. My situation makes me feel like a body with a mess of shitty impulsive thoughts.

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