On my journal entry It should read Tuesday March 10, 2015
yesterday was a good day,
i had a bath and shave and collected sweeps painkillers for her back,
then i went to my mums and was talking to her and my sister, talking about my mum who is going to see a counsellor soon,
later i came home and then went to the prayer group and realised how much i had missed going and how good it feels when i go, to pray about other peoples problems really helps and takes my mind off of my own problems,
today i think my mum might be coming over but the weather said gales and i am worried about her getting a train bc of her poor sight and hearing etc.
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Cool saves me writing and great timing. 11/3/2015
If anything the last few years has taught me. Itās how little I do know. Had for awhile given me great insight. Although that may just of been where I was with treatments. Kind of back to where I was back then. Which is looking into therapy again. One of those things though. Itās become this consumers nightmare of choice.
The scary thing is I do know what therapy has worked best for me in the past. Iām extremely happy to go back to that but not the therapist. But according to him he;s the only one that does that therapy here. So ask for a referral to next best thing. Done but she was worse then him. Age they where both past it. Retire guys.
But leaves me looking at psychotherapy again. The nets a great help on that but there are hundreds of different types of psychotherapies. Not many therapists are disclosing which one they are doing. Which is what I want to know. Such a mine field to understand the help available for mental illness but you have to be a fn expert to get any decent help. To me it just enforces that part of me that never wanted to go the therapy route and everybody elseās.
It just matryoshka dolls over and over layers and layers. IDK maybe Iām tired. Hmm just tired yes so very very tired just so very tired.
Feeling very like Iām just an disruption lately. Hmm lately been going on for weeks now. Evidence is there in some cases. IDK how do you ask on that. How do you improve on that. I just want my mojo back.
Manta lately is love without evidence is just stalking. Covers a lot of ground. Mind you I feel guilty for sitting on a warm seat. Seriously hate that. Hate again what makes people hate each other. Iām doing it more and more these days. Just that judgmentalness. Jumping to conclusions. Where am I any more.
Just the thing isnāt it this me as a kid. Worked out to face his phobia at like 7 years old. Where has that kid that gumption. That need to survive, That fight gone.
Is it that misplaced hate. Wisdom of age seeing through all the crap. So what would I say if this was some elses life. What advice would I give. Seriously hard to be objective. Lost, direction.
Directions to what? Just that isnāt it Iād be happy to work it all, all meaning everything life the universe and everything. But why What do I really get out of it. Is it what Iām gaining or what Iām trying to avoid.
Hmm like meatloaf through a straw so are the days of our lifeās. Iām still hoping for a fairy tail ending you know and they all lived happily ever after.
.
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March 12, 2015
Thursday
I have been thinking about going to a support group or help facilitate one in my area. I would most likely need a ride. Carpooling would be nice. I would like to do talks some day, write a book, and participate with a charity. My son is doing the charity part for more public awareness and research money for a cure. I would definitely go for one or several injections and be cured. Any way just like the Kindle I must prepare myself and remain calm, because I get anxiety and panic attacks. I went to a university to study Psychology and I was very close to getting my B.A in Psychology. but couldnāt finish one class because of my panic attacks. After my third child my panic attacks got worst. Although I didnāt finish my undergraduate study.
I enrolled online for a PhD program in Ecology and I was accepted thanks to my written papers, experience, intern work, volunteer work and references from professors, and my overall character. I was accepted to the graduate study program. I needed to finish my dissertation and thesis but the panic attacks held me back.
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i am at college just now and i am just contemplating what to do, and whether i can do it,
i had anxiety attacks which are different from panic attacks for me, like i dont get the panic or fast heart rythmn but i get a really bad pain in my chest like someone has my heart in their hand and is squeezing it and it just floors me, its also to do with acid in my gullet but it is triggered by stress and anxiety,
in college i have been able to not let that happen bc college to me is a stressless enviroment, and i am sitting down and relaxed most of the time,
the voluntary work i am thinking of doing might be youth work but idk bc i also want to get into recovery like for addiction and alcohol.
i need to do atleast 120 hrs to get into my next college course and i really need to start doing more bc if i have any hope of getting a job in the future i will need to get ready for it and it is a big massive transition.
right now though i feel like i am doing everything i can but i always have at the back of my mind that i want to do more,
i use to get panic attacks but not anymore thank god and i take an anti-anxiety med which helps with that
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12/3/2015
i slept most of today after taking maxim to school. i came home, took a seroquel and went back to bed. my cpn cancelled on me due to an emergency. i slept walked again. when i woke the back door was wide open and i discovered a bruise on my arm and a pinprick scab? did i stab myself with a sewing needle? thatās what it looks like anyway. apparently, yesterday morning i went out for a whileā¦i have no memory of thisā¦things seem to be hotting up in the d.i.d sense. other than that, voices are omnipresent and have been for about 4 weeks i think. usual triggered ā ā ā ā .
i was supposed to go to self defence class tonight but i took one look in te window and chickened outā¦stupid i know. think i need to get fitter before i start that class. iām going to a dance class next week and maybe chickboxing on sunday nightā¦iāll see how i feel.
itās 12.20am on thursday/friday and i have about 100 pounds to last me till next weekā¦eeek! never been this skint before.
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I got Friday the 13th again. Didnāt we just have one? 13/3/2015
Checked we had one last monthā¦Spooky!
Phone rang 7am. Was up though as alarms set at 6am. They hung up as I was answering. Becoming a common occurrence. So much so Iām afraid to answer the phone any more. Registering with the do not call register hasnāt help the slightest. Not a big problem today though as was still in zombie mode fighting the rigamortis. Still this is beyond a joke.
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I called the govt agency the summons came from + told the person I was schizophrenic + uncomfortable in public places. She said sheād take me off the list. I donāt think youāll end up on the jury whether you are capable or not.
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PT 2ā¦
I should eat something. Just nothing seems to appeal to me at all. Most likely just low blood sugar which would be helped by eating something but nothing appeals to me at all. Everything as usual just seems to go around circles.
Just like indigenous art
And my doodles
Just seems to go around in circles. Whatās it all mean?
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Captainās log supplemental,
Starting to wonder if Iām more lonely then I realise. Such a need to communicate, to connect to people. to be loved, to be needed on these support sites even if it is virtual. I mean I know there are real people at the end of there computers (although wonder on that of often) but Iāve never really had that need to really belong somewhere before. Still a lot resistance from me though to really connect. I guess itās a trust issue and thatās a deep issue that always been there.
Cried today I really needed the release. A good sign but still so forced and mostly was thinking about something else that I know wasnāt the real issue. Although yes was an issue in it self but thatās just a friends are seasonal thing. Internet crushes who needs them. Kind of the thing though was it that I knew I couldnāt have her ergo I canāt get hurt. Or I just pushed her away because of trust issues my ability not to really connect. Thatās kind of thing too after Karen wonder if Iām even capable of a relationship. On some level wonder if thatās always been the case.
More so with that narcissistic personality disorder traits thrown in my diagnosis. As that makes wonder even more how much influence I did have on Karenās suicide. Wish I could write as fast as my heads going atm. Also wonder if this will get posted in the end. My mind wont even think seriously on becoming a Buddhist monk or joining the foreign legion. Negative symptoms I guess. I guess itās just running away on one level. On anther the Buddhist monk and things like meditation is most likely going to help me more deal with myself and the illness.
Still waiting for that perfect dayā¦
Feel so disconnect to everybody and somedays from myself. Billy Joels The Stranger comes to mind. So much trying to intellectualize who I am. Hard to describe I guess trying to understand myself on logical level. Without realizing Iām more complicate then that and just need to except I am what i am. That sort of simplifying it greatly in a way. Just let me be who I am I guess. Trust myself.
I guess the worst thing in life is every bodies extremely happy to tell me whatās wrong with me. Little to actually help with changing it.
My minds all over the place againā¦
Mindless fog of thoughts and sounds
Suspicion breeds, warfare ensures, I battle on
Slumber greatly then sleep so slight
Stupor follows for days to come, back to square one.
I am abandoned but never sense reticent introvert, yet I am
I seem to matter to so few
Perhaps more illusions of the wit
Nothing more to say, today at least.
Yet there is more to say as always. As the sun comes up and the sun goes down.
I suppose Iām at a stage of are things important in what Iām saying. So much procrastination on that. Have some memory of my grandfather saying What a man has to say is important I canāt remember the rest but was condescending that what I was saying was worthless. Thereās a topic that needs to be addressed my grandfather. So many question and digging into it is a minefield with mum. What isnāt with her.
I also donāt know if itās me or her with the problem any more. I wish she did put me therapy as kid when she thought about it. Although wonder often if I would of just be resented her even more for doing. Treatments in the 70ās would of still been somewhat brutal.
Oh rain! Love the sound of it on the roof at night.
Waiting for the punchline of my life to find out Iām really still in the physic ward after my first hospitalization. Doped up to eye balls on god knows what. Fighting my way out of this delusion of my life thatās all a fabrication in my mind. I think to much. Wonder if we love our brains too much and thatās the problem.
.
Sighā¦I need a new muse. My writers block is driving me up the wall lately. No real pose in my work. No flow. No love of writing. Just a need to be heard. Which is weird as I feel everything I have to say is worthless anyway. That must be contradiction #53476896473 by now but whose counting.
What do I want out of life? My minds happy it seems to focus on what I canāt have etc. Refuses to work on what I can do. Can have. Can change. Can be. Itās sad in away as I know I donāt have it as bad as some. still that thought that feeling like Iām the only one to be going through this at times. That Iām a lost cause and thereās no need for it.
Perhaps that some progress on two fronts though.
1 accepting there is a problem ie yes Iām ill. Yes I have had it hard. Where once there was that denial on it all.
But 2. realizing on some level that there are people worse off. But Iām need of healing, In need of more growth, In need of moving on.
Seems so much of knowing and using that knowledge. Putting it to practical use. Everyone is an expert but so few seem to use that wisdom, the knowledge for themselves. Why is that so?
Ramblings of a schizoaffective. How much is just me and how much of me is the illness. My heads going to explode one day. Spontaneous combustion Iām guessing.
Lost my train of thought again. Back to the knowledge thing again. Seems so much of knowing and using that knowledge. Putting it to practical use. Everyone is an expert but so few seem to use that wisdom, the knowledge for themselves. Why is that so? Why am I wasting my time thinking about and not just using it? that 's what I need to ask myselfā¦ Do or do not there is no try sort of thing.
My minds on if Iāll even post this again. Iāve no idea how long it is now. I guess I should apologize in advance if I do. So sorry as I know I can ramble on with my short novels sometimes.
Minds on alpha males for some reason today. Kind of blur of what my minds on about. I guess I just donāt want to go there. Thatās a thing too I donāt want to hurt anyone anymore but so tired of being a doormat.
As the song goes Itās like heads they win, Tails youāre gonna lose.
Still so much Iām holding back of saying. secrets,lies upon lies probably mostly to myself in the end.
Funny where my minds goesā¦ Wondering if people will think less of me for posting this in the end.
The reply in my head was. No itās aright we donāt think much of now as it is. Some reason Iām ok with this
But leads to my stand by joke.
In a very serous tone straight face. āI donāt have to come here and get used abused and insulted!ā
Then the smiles come on" As I can go anywhere I like and get used abused and insulted!
Sort of sad in a way but humours all I have left I feel and thatās starting to fade more and more these days. Some ways itās because of wanting to mature act my age. Some ways thereās not a great deal to laugh about. Geez Mr dreamscape stop feeling sorry for yourself. Wonder what itās really like to have a talk with yourself. Really get it all out in the open. Would it help or just screw you up further?
That damn notification thing is taunting me with a number to go look what itās all about. Itās so stupid as it most likely meaningless but there so much pull to just look. So much more that needs my attention. Starting wonder on ADD on some level.
I had a life once wasnāt exactly mine. More what my parents chose for me. Chances are I might of done it in the end as the pull was there. But itās like it had been forced on me. Felt that a lot growing up. wasnāt so much encouraged as thrustered (sp) upon. My dyslexias kicking in. Seems to come out more when Iām stressed, tired etc. Confused how that could be so missed overlooked growing up.
Remedial classes where beyond insane in the 70ās. Pretty much teach you what you already know. But you where where so bored with school or did I just give up back then I just didnāt try. What ever we where going backwards in our learning while the rest of the class went forward and that was there attempt to more us forward with our education. Just that invisible problem again out of sight out of mind.
Weird how well I always seemed to improve but more attention more focussed teaching. Mind you in therapy I can hear the same thing over and over and it just wont sink in. Then one day someone takes the time to explain it better and it just sinks in. Problem is itās like 10 years later. Iām just not the majority especially on learning.
Wondered after a therapist said depression can cause concentrations problems if thatās what affected my schooling. Some level I wonder if that means my depressions is worse then others. Donāt really see that though. May of had some part of it though. But are a great deal of people with depression with extremely high education. Do have memories of seeing auras around everything back then. I was constantly focused on them and little else, Had the same thing around 2003 I think it was. Put it down to just being tired at the time.
I can dribble some ā ā ā ā sometimes. What is the point of keeping writing today? Most likely just time wasting. Meds Med time. Minds all over the place today and started to think about getting my script filled
this morning. I have over a weeks supply left. I must be doing better then I think I am. Normally itās like oh ā ā ā ā I need to fill the script like now!
I really need to get my swearing in check more and my posture. Still feel so comfortable in fetal like positions.
My mind My mind. Iām often on top of my delusions pretty quick. But wonder how many have slipped through that Iām not aware. On some level I just want to be swallowed up by one and float into fairy land. That wants only happened the last few years. Sorry I stopped myself from creating my internet crush. Well a hallucination of her. I was so close. No idea what stopped me. The game would of been over pretty quick though. No way could I be so close without at the very least a hug, Not sure if the fight club thing is possible IDK though stranger things have happened at sea.
Atlantis! Atlantis! Always my mind comes back to Atlantis!
My mania is so minimal these days but the depression is high. So little is getting done because of it. I want my mojo back.
My mojo lies over the ocean,
my mojo lies over the sea,
My mojo lies over the ocean,
O bring back my mojo to me.
Bring back, bring back, O bring back my mojo to me, to me:
Bring back, bring back, O bring back my mojo to me.
Maybe there is some mania after all lol. Oh I need help in more ways then one lol.
Sigh.
Bed time I think. To post or not to post that is the question? Iāll leave it to a coin toss.
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Doesnāt 
everyone?
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btw just incase you are wondering, i cant read big long posts as it is too difficult and thats why i keep my replies short as possible and easy to read.
today was pretty good, i did my volunteering and i ended up changing from kitchen duties to befriending within the cafe so now hopefully i wont get anxious and have the chest pain that i always get in there,
after that i had a rest and then sweep and i went to a shop to return something and afterwards we went to a KFC and i met my aunty in there and we had a chat, went home and had a chat about my mum and nephews on the phone.
day in a nutshell 
starting to feel pretty bad though so i might take an extra dose of my med
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That was quite the supplemental.
We all appreciate your participation here.
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Oh, yeah, I love art. Art therapy and dream therapy would help in interpreting the art. A psychiatrist would know or psychoanalyst. I taught art therapy and we did the mandala wheel and that is much like the indigenous art. Drawing or painting circles, could be the collective mind, world connecting as one. Example would be circle crops, or a large group of people having the same dream. Dreams are significant here. Itās a very deep connection and primitive. Maybe studying your ancestry, visiting galleries or museums would be good to release something within or become connected to something deep.
Here is a great web site about circles http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/circle-circles-circling/
March 15 2015
Sundayās
I really enjoy Sundayās. Itās funny how we can relate a mood, the weather, foods to any given day of the week.
Everything seems to be connected. I skipped some days here journaling, but there are time when I just donāt feel good.
Iām having a lot of stuff go through my head. They feel like real conversations between me and people I Know, but Iām always getting the bad end of the deal. On the bright side Iām being more active, and hopefully this can result into losing more weight.
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today i had a very bad head on, i tried my best to get rid of the fuzziness but there is still some cotton wool between my ears and maybe a bit of jelly in my eyes
but despite this i still managed to do 4 hrs in church and 4 hrs at my mums so its been a busy day despite all this head blurriness,
i also had a few twinges in my chest which worry me bc i think my anxiety is getting even worse despite the doctor puting my anxiety med up last eek and they are quite powerful i think,
so it was communion first for an hour then i usually dont do the main service but i felt compelled too today bc communion had got me in a good frame of mind (still had the fuzziness though) but just a bit more of an awareness which helped me,
after that i felt a bit better and so i went to my mums and she is still very anxious about her tinnitus so we were just trying to help her (my sister and me) but she just isnt listening which is a shame, these horrible sounds in her head have got a real hold over her, affect her so much 
so we have been suggesting things like background music and breathing exercises, stuff like that.
after that i came home and had some fish for dinner and then another service at night, they are always very interesting but its hard to remember what the minister says but i remembered today as it was very interesting.
anyway thats my day Sundays are always very eventful for me (i love my Sundays)
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I was encouraged to keep writing my journal by Elyn Saks. I turn it remarkable entries to my shrink, whether they are good or bad.
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15/3/2015
left early today (after i was rudely awoken by the phone) to go pick up my pooch from my mumāsā¦so 32 mile round trip. quick coffee with my aunti jax which was lovely home again to take maxim to football, then surfed for most of the day. loaded dishwasher, put a darks wash on, cooked an aybsmal roast dinner either iām coming down with a cold or iāve lost my mojo for cooking roast dinners. spent a lovely 30 minutes or so in the bath,then blowdried my hair. then back on the net talking to friendsā¦all in all a very unproductive ālazyā day but itās ladytime so i donāt really mind so much today. hope fully get back on track tomorrow.
itās now 3.05am and iām wondering whether to go to sleep or not. gotta get max up for school at 6.30/7am and iāve got a facebook page to write too.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1428492340756522
in case anyone is interested, itās a ghost experiences page. not sure if the link will work but try it anyway if any of you are on facebook. so apart from writing on that today i havenāt done much else. didnāt take the doogies to the woods simply because my belly hurt and i felt like poo. giving myself another day to get over lady time then itās back on track hopefully.
seeing as itās already 3am i mayaswell stay up now and do some housework once my painkillers have kicked in. first up? bedroom, then kitchen, then put a dry on, then do a whites wash. think iāll be happy with that little lot tonight.
voices talking usual ā ā ā ā , wanting me diagnosed sz which iām not obvs or i wouldāve been dx years agoā¦they also want my kids dx sz later n life apparently which is an odd thing for voices to want but there you go. all they are is personalities anyway so ā ā ā ā 'em. my kids don;t take drugs or have any genetic history of shiz so getting them diagnosed would be pretty difficult i reckonā¦and why would part of me want that anyway? it;s all very odd to me but itās the usual threatening ā ā ā ā , do this or you die, do that or you die, doing impressions of all those around me but obvs not falling for it at all. not one iotaā¦itās crapā¦complete and utter bollocks from start to finishā¦lies backed up with physical āevidenceā which is questionable at best. hmmm at at iām not falling for their crap anymore. itās been 6 years since my last big break and i plan on making it 7 years next year 
truth is, they lie all the time as they are inverse personalitesā¦ie: against meā¦my selves against me and boy do they like to talk ā ā ā ā . as if i would believe a single thing they say after 14 years of total ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā . lol. itās laughable really. so theyre hear 24.7 but i doānt give a flying ā ā ā ā anymore well thatās ot for today
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Looks like various centers - like maybe in the brain. Somethingās really happening in the bottom one.
When my blood sugar is really low I eat 2 or 3 glucose tablets.