Wednesday March 4, 2015
I skipped a day or so, this happens, I get trapped in my mind or thoughts. I’m in a dream. I don’t feel well, and I feel limited to what I can do. I try to keep up with my routine as much as possible. Has anyone got lost, left home and had no idea where you were or ended up in a shelter or around strangers
5/3/2015
Well I wake up in the morning at 11:47 and I can’t believe I have to face the horror of another ■■■■■■■ day
And the magnificent magnitude of my morning erection merely mocks me like the sun in its optimistic greeting of the day
Managing to manifest a modicum of motivation I meander to the kitchen make a mission out of mixing Nescafe
But the milk is going off and coffee by itself is bitter and there’s ants all through the sugar and the supermarket’s ■■■■■■■ miles away
My life is pretty sad
But I know that I should be glad.
At least I’m not a starving Ethiope
Or a policeman in Bagdad
At 11:53 I instigate the day’s ablutions in the hope my constitution can be altered by some action on the bowl
But the total non-existence of colonic animation seems to me the perfect metaphor for the utter constipation of my soul
By 11:59 I have decided that my life would be immediately improved by a carefully written list of short-term goals
But by 12.05 my list consists of 1-dot put some pants on, 2-dot go to the shop, buy some prunes and Panadol
My life is pretty ■■■■
But I know I shouldn’t whinge about it
I could be a Palestinian
Driving buses on the Gaza strip
Yeah how bad can it be?
Some people have it worse than me
I could be a child prostitute
Or Gary Glitter’s family
I have no right to cry
Some people have it worse than I
I could be a thalidomide kid
With something in my eye
At 12:30 I realise I’m feeling so dejected that I’ve totally neglected the beginning of the Jerry Springer show
So I settle on the sofa try to focus an iota of my motor-neurones on the brilliant insights for which Jerry is known
And although on any other day a show entitled Midgets Midget Midgets would excite me like a virgin at her year eleven ball
Today those little jelly-wresting fellas fail to free me of my misery instead they simply serve to make me feel three foot tall
But how bad can it be?
Some people have it worse than me
I could be a Jewish stand up comedian
In Nazi Germany
Or I could be a Dockers fan
Or an orphan in Pakistan
Or the architect of the World Trade Centre
Or a bobcat driver in Bam Iran
I could be making an investigation
Of a backpack in an underground station
Or I could be a peace-loving speech-writer
In George W’s administration
Yeah I know that I don’t have the right
To be unhappy with my life
I could be Paris Hilton’s mother
Or Shane Warne’s wife
And I know that I shouldn’t be bitchin
I could be in a worse position
I could be a 3-nippled naturopath
In the days of the Spanish inquisition
I know I have no right to cry
Some people have it worse than I
I could have a serious nut allergy
And be shipwrecked on an island with a crate of Snickers bars
A jar of Nutella and a fresh baked pecan pie
Some people have it worse than I
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Feeling anxious about going out tomorrow, have to go to my doctor’s appointment though. Also got a jury duty summons…I wonder if I can have her help me get out of doing that since I can’t focus for long periods of time…my mind will start to wander, and if I’m on the jury unless they have solid evidence I find it hard to place guilt on someone. Of course if they had solid evidence, then why are they at trial and not just serving their sentence? But then again I’m also worried that having my hallucinations while in a court room I might be able to keep them in my head but they’re distracting me from performing what is requested of me. I was picked once before and told the lawyers that I had Schizophrenia, they had me come back the next day to finish the round of questions but they wouldn’t let me answer any more because I told them privately that I had schizophrenia…which made me wonder they had me come back for that second day at all if they knew that ahead of time.
Yes, your pdoc or gp can help to excuse you from Jury Duty for that reason. Can’t see any reason they wont but best of luck with it, just in case.
Are you working part time or full time GTX 1990 do you have mental health disability
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I am working full time,for my parent…it’s 11.5 hours a day it’s a low stress job which include talking to customer and moving some goods.
She gave me a note, and I mailed it back with the form and put my official diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder on the back where they gave me space to explain my diagnosis. It’s in the mailbox today so hopefully they’ll let me stay at home and not make me go out there.
She changed my medications some. It’s still the same medications just higher dosages, now I’m 800 MG of Seroquel rather than 600, and my Lorezapam went from 1 tablet of .5 MG to 2 tablets of .5 Mg.
While the noise in my head has been quiet today, I’ve been extremely tired and light-headed most of the day. Usually eating helps with the light-headed feeling, but it hasn’t today. I think I’m going to go lay back down and rest some more. seems to be the only thing that makes me feel okay.I guess it will take a couple days or so to adjust to the new levels of medication.
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Feeling like I have to live without things so I can move on. I need a break so that’s what I’m going to take.
March 6, 2015
Friday
It’s Friday. I have been going through stories in my head that are delusional, I have hallucinations, I hear voices.
I don’t know how we live with this illness folks. We could easily end up some where or any where. I get PMS pretty bad and at my old age. I could look at my son and he could easily be someone else. Someone who looks like him, but isn’t The delusions creep in from time to time. Good news I heard my son’s new song and its really nice and magical. I hate to say this but my whole family and friends are mentally ill. We are so minority, you know. I think I might have it worst as far as diagnose. I’m just saying being a mixed race could be the reason. I don’t know. I’m Hispanic, and I’m Mixed. I’m Mixed with a European, Spanish Native Indian. I don’t know, but I feel I lack a lot, maybe there is a reason.
I have been a compulsive journal writer. I’ve been trying to get the courage to burn some of my earliest journals… I keep saying I will… and haven’t yet.
I have dream journals… drug journals… mood journals… and general journals.
there was a time where I had a journal on me at all times… I have been trying to stop being so compulsive about it. I’ve been doing better.
It’s odd when I read my old journals… and can’t relate or figure out what in the world I was saying. I used to write in a brail code. Now I don’t even remember what the code is.
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I think that it’s really great you have all those journals, you could put a book together, you could publish it, do an ebook on Amazon. You could bring a lot of awareness to the public
Thank you for that.
If I ever did a book… I’d really want to write it with my sis.
She is neurotypical, (no mental illness diagnosis) straight edge, (no drugs or alcohol) good student and has been by my side since the day she was born.
She’s kept up on her journaling too… it’s odd reading her take on things… different side of the same situation.
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i posted most of my stuff on the old forum,
wasn’t really a journal though more of a hobby only to do with my illness
but its all lost now 
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may as well write something about my day-
i volunteered this morning and got thinking that i’ve had it pretty rough,
not a lot of luck me, i have been lucky in some ways but unlucky in others
like i was lucky i was given this really good med that allows me to function a lot more than the last one but i have been unlucky because my anxiety has been getting worse
i think my anxiety may be related to my acid in my stomach though but its hard to tell
any way it seems that once i get my mind under control something else pops up and stops me in my tracks and it looks really bad on me bc people cannot see the pain i am in and they think i am faking it (well one person thinks i am any way) i wish i could prove i am unwell with anxiety but i can’t i just need to sit down and rest when it gets too much.
any way the rest of the day was a waste of time and i ended up wanting to do something real bad,
i seem to be wanting to do more with my time now. hate being bored, hate sitting around twiddling my thumbs, i have to have things to do and its driving me mad lol.
later that night sweep and i went for a drink and now i have a nose bleed
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another day another dosage of medication…don’t know if I’m happy about this, or pissed that I have to keep taking medication. hopefully though my increased amounts will give me more quiet days like I had today. It was nice and quiet in my head all day…like the voices took the day off and left me alone. I just get annoyed that I have to take all these pills just to get a taste of normalcy…whatever that word really means.
I’m afraid that it wont stick, and I’m just worn out from yesterday…but I guess we’ll see.
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7/3.2015
Knew the weekend was good for something and finally found the cure for mondayitis. A simple manta that will help man and womankind everywhere.
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Sunday, March 8, 2015
I can feel the vitamin therapy working again. I was able to clean more and feel better. I have to many allergies and effects from medication. I was talking today to my family to really find ways to cope with my illness, and learn as much as they can. I said my illness to me is misunderstood. There isN’t enough research done. There isN’t enough money to find a cure. I said that my illness is like the Walt Disney animations. I’m the Alice in Wonderland. My voices, hallucinations are like a dream. There like the movie when the princess become a Disney character. It’s the fairytale of a live princess become animated. This how my sz feels or is like. My sz is better then any movie created and there are good ones like Star Trek and Star Wars. It’s still not easy to describe sz. So, I said please share with others that when a person, is believed to have changed, from good to this horrible person, how this happen comes to mind. I said, he is misunderstood, he most likely has an illness, he most like tried some pills out there that he thinks might help, like street drugs, and now he is even more misunderstood. Not many people go to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed and treated. There are a lot of people I know that need help. Maybe, they have bipolar, most likely not sz. This is huge for me and my family. I said to my son continue with the charity for sz, so there is public awareness.
Terrible ■■■■■■■ day. I’m slipping. I can’t change this at all. There is no sympathy in my mind. Just a really harsh experience.
Monday 9th March,
Need to take my sups also. Funny how something as simple as stopping having OJ in the morning can stump me on taking them first thing. Was my total vitamin hit first thing. Now I forget to take them. .
Been out for a walk. I probably should be more excited as an attractive women spoke to me while out. Just seemed a chore to speak with her though. Girls have girl germs anyway.
Found some of my word doc journal entries. One I got more from writing it then I ever got from my pdoc or therapy. Only a short novel at something like 9 pages of word so wont post.
Missing Karen more lately. Not a lot of memoires left of her. Even her voice that posh English accent that always melted my heart. All gone. Photos I have of her don’t really do her justice. Just become this martyr to me now. RIP girl.
Must see the GP soon. See if we can find out what with me sleeping all the time and not depressed.
Wish it was helping with me losing weight but far from it. Eating like a horse when I am awake.
Wondering lately if I should write a formal letter to my schizoaffective disorder telling it it’s not wanted. About the only thing I haven’t tried.
Weathers still hot. I’ve no idea who to ring to order some nice weather. Might have to google. I’ll see if they have an address to send my formal complaint to my schizoaffective disorder as well.
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March 10, 2015
Today is Wednesday
I’m feeling better today, getting sleep. My kids gave me a new Kindle Fire HDX. I’m happy. I was ready for it. I said, I wanted a new Kindle, an updated one in three months, this was back in December or so, I was ready, and I’m able to really enjoy it than being surprised. I think being prepared helped a lot. I have difficulty with the unexpected. This could be because of my sz, and maybe other things I have too. I get anxiety besides a few other mental illnesses.
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